Chapter 4: Understanding Genesis.
p. 98 By blocking out the distractions of the world, silencing the chatter in their heads, and focusing their attention on one thing, Kabbalist mystics were able to tap into a level of consciousness in which they could comprehend the divine truths or concepts that otherwise eluded them.
I believe the same would be true today - focus devotedly on God and wait for Him to teach His truths. I think of the Bible verse, "Be still and know that I am God." from Psalms 46.10.
p. 106 One of the first legends in Judaism is that God created the world through the letters of the Hebrew alphabet. Actually it says that 974 generations before God created the heaven and the earth. He created the Torah, and through the Torah He then created the universe. Through the letters of the Torah, he created all that exists in the Torah; thus He created Creation. This is an area of Kabbalah called "letter mysticism."
That is interesting but over my head except as a generalized understanding: God created the universe through His Words.
p. 116 "Kabbalists believe that the story of Adam and Eve is an allegory for how the concept of duality became actualized in our world, and how the entire aim of Creation is to rejoin the parts into the one."
Learning to see things as more then the surface story, i.e. Adam and Eve were real people in a real garden; but to go deeper to find the lessons available through the surface story is a new way of thinking for me. I like it as it adds more depth to my faith. I didn't realize the concept of duality would be in my writing again today after having written about it last night. I yearn for holistic, non-dual, non-separate life -- of being at one, at peace. For me that road-to-peace process started when I found peace with God through accepting Christ. But that doesn't mean I automatically have a non-dual peaceful thought life --- my propensity is to see things black/white, right/wrong, us/them. I want to grow out of that egocentric thinking pattern.
p. 119 and p. 120 "Other outside me to define me. I exist as me, because I am not you. Otherwise, without you, without something outside me, I am the whole world." and "According to Kabbalists, God created in order to "know" Himself. As we said about the infant, in order for her to fully recognize her identity there has to be someone outside herself. There is no relationship, and no realization of the self, without another. So God sent a part of Himself outside Himself in order to undergo a process of evolution and return to Himself a higher being, a being that knows himself..... God creates in order to know His own goodness...."
I can understand humans require "other" to know self... to learn the boundaries of where they end and the other begins; and then to learn to take responsibility for the self. I can't understand a sovereign God requiring the same or Him becoming more Himself.
p. 120 "While the consequence of the sin of Adam and Eve is a regretful one (there are no rewards or punishment in Kabbalah, only consequences), it is perhaps a necessary one. Unlike the traditional reading of the Bible, which places blame on Adam and Eve and straps us all with original sin before we're born, Kabbalists believe the soul needed to descent in order for it to evolve. The "punishment" was actually an act of love designed to elevate souls from a point of simple knowledge to conscious understanding (it's not just that I now; it's that I know I know).
I find that interesting because I've read part of Matthew Fox's book, "Original Blessing" so the concepts have a framework to slightly understand the above. I am also starting to understand the difference of punishment and consequences which is a major departure for me from my Fundamentalist background.
p. 121 "The repenter is stronger than the person who is always righteous, because the repenter has had farther to climb back. He's had to batte impulses and overcome them, while the righteous has not even exercised a muscle."
I really liked that. It reminded me of Jesus's story about the woman who washed his feet with costly perfume and dried his feet with her hair. He said, "her many sins have been forgiven. Her great love proves that. But whoever receives little forgiveness loves very little." (Luke 7:47 God's Word Translation).
p. 125 "Part of the repair work that we have to do, then, is to rejoin the physical and spiritual, to elevate the physical world to its former place of union with the spiritual. The aim of Kabbalah is to teach us how to reconnect the two: how to elevate the physical to the spiritual."
I like that. To me, that is one major way of growing in unity and overcoming dualism. Christ exemplifies that in three ways: (1) by His Incarnation; (2) by His bodily resurrection; (3) by His promise to resurrect us not only spiritually but our dead bodies will be resurrected and we'll be given glorified bodies.
The lesson for me is to learn how to live that Incarnationel, rejoined life in this lifetime; to shed the dualism that so easily pulls me away from Christ and away from others and even shatters the bonds I have with myself.
Chapter 5: The Tree of Life
p. 134 "The word for Elohim, Kabbalists point out, is composed of a feminine singular root with a masculine plural ending, im."
Very interesting. After reading about Hebrew words that have gender, it made sense that English interpretations depict God as male since we have no gendered words or articles. I took part of a semester of French at Bethany College in Lindsborg, Kansas. I soon dropped out. Assigning gender to nouns was outside of my realm of practical. I could have cared less if I needed a feminine or masculine pronoun for table, chair or door. But those few weeks gave me enough understanding I could understand why English missed lots of the nuances of Hebrew or Greek.
p. 137 "Hochma on the human level represents pure, undifferentiated judgment. It is the act of living in the moment and of simply being aware of our place in the universe."
I like that. I want to learn to live more in the now - to be aware of God now, not of the historical interactions of God and me or hopes for future interactions of God and me; but to be aware - t be alive to God in the current moment. Sitting in my rocker, I can sense the peacefulness of my home, the quietness of the area where I live, a tweet of a bird, the creaking of the rocker, the warmth of the room's heater, the bright gray of the sky shining in through the window. Sitting here quietly and not typing for a few moments, I could sense God's presence. I breathe in His love and exhale my love for Him. I am at peace. I love the times I am sitting in that awareness while a friend is talking - I can listen with empathy and not feel I need to have an answer ready, but can just inhale God's love and exhale my love for God and my love for my friend/s.
The author mentions judgment. When I am at that loving place, the only judgment I can pass is love. I don't feel inadequate, scared, insecure or that I think I have or need all the answers. I can not judge my friend/s but just touch their humanity that they are so generously sharing with me.
I wish I could live there always; but I am grateful I know it is possible and God is slowly gifting me with that special place more frequently. I am happy. I am grateful.
p. 141 "Kabbalists call God in exile the Shekinah, the feminine presence of God. It is the queen exiled from her king, and exile persists for as long as the king and queen are not united. It was believed by the early Israelites that the Shekinal dwelled in the Ark of the Temple in Jerusalem. But Kabbalists believe that, in essence, we are the Shekinah. The king is represented on the Tree by Tifert, the symbol of balance of harmony. Tiferet stands in the spiritual world while we stand in the physical one. Tifert and Shekinah were difided with the Fall of Adam and Eve. Therefore when Kabbalists speak of the union of Tiferet and Malkhut, they're talking about a symbolic union that expresses a desire to reunite the physical and spiritual worlds."
In case anybody reads this, Tifert and Malkhut are each one of the ten circles that diagram Kabbalah thought. Reading it out of that context makes it seem strange rather than a method to better understand the God of the Bible and ourselves in relationship with Him.
As I read that paragraph, it amazed me how it parallels my inner thoughts since having studied the "Song of Songs" about 8 years ago. That book is a beautiful example of God's love and longing for us; and how he awakens us to His love and eventually we're loving Him back and wanting to do things He would do and then discuss them with Him. Studying the "Song of Songs", to me is a beautiful pattern of Christian maturation process that opens our yearning for God and better understand Christ's yearning for us.
At one time my Christian walk was my desire to please God by rule-keeping. About 10 years ago (thanks to my godly 12-step sponsor) that started shifting to desire to know God intimately and personally - and living rules impeccably was secondary and dropping. Yet, the more intimately and personally I know Him, the less I tend to sin and it seems I more easily see the motives that urge me to sin or to act holy - and, unfortunately, a some of the right things I do are motivated by my desire to serve Christ, but many are my own ego-centric needs trying to get met. Yet, the older I get the more eager I am to go to heaven and see my Heavenly Lover face to face and to enjoy relationships with those who were loved ones here - relationships that have the promise to not get bogged down in the ego needs that tend to boycott relationships here.
It seems odd, but there is a correlation between my desire for non-dual here that seems to grow at the same rate as my desire to be reunited fully with Christ at death.
p. 144 "The Tree of Life is a blueprint of us."
The next two paragraphs are amazing in the scope of study that is encompassed in Kabbalah and how every aspect of humanity is represented in the tree.
p. 148 "Repair consists of two types: those that restore the world on the outside--on the physical level--and those that restore it on the inside--the psychological and spiritual levels. The outside is repaired through thoughts, words and actions; the inside is repaired through deveoping spiritual awareness by study, meditation and prayer. If both types work together, there will be good done through conscious intention and awareness."
I like action plans! Three steps to wholeness and five steps to good relationships or 12-steps to recovery. These self-help plans have benefited me in the past. And they are beneficial as far as they go; but they seldom find balance between the inside and outside. Of course, God's plans are perfect and balanced - especially if we use His tools in a balanced way.
That takes me through Chapter 5. so I may take quotes from the rest of the book on another day.
Blessings to those who read here.
Wednesday, 6 November 2013
Tuesday, 5 November 2013
Thoughts on my Christian Walk - NonDualism and Metaphors
I spent several hours today watching sermon videos and reading Christian blogs. It seemed the overwhelming topic that stuck out to me was dualistic thinking v unitive or non-dualistic mind. I have been understanding this concept for a while but struggle with consistent non-dualistic thinking. I am joyful that I eventually catch myself and then stop petting my ego and looking down on others with dualistic (me vs them) thinking.
I realized today that as I switch from fundamentalism to liturgical, from dualistic to non-dualistic thinking that at times I've switched to a different set of criteria for reverting to dualistic thinking. I won't list the list of my egocentric thoughts; even though I just became aware that I have changed one set of criteria for another to continue to embrace dualistic thinking - even though I know how harmful it is to me, to relationships and especially to my relationship with God.
Jesus was non-dualistic. His teaching was beautifully non-dualistic and at times He even uses metaphors and parables that clash with what He said in other scripture. He's called the Prince of Peace - then says he brings a sword; He says He came to save all - then says he teaches in parables so people won't see or understand. I know there are many more, but these two pop into my mind. To find any inner peace, I had to find intellectual sense to make them agree or put them into a framework so they would agree or pseudo-agree. I am learning to live with the dissonance and finding joy in the opposites written in Christ's red letters in my Bible. Sometimes I wonder if God did that to teach me to trust Him even when my mind can't make sense of it; to help me learn faith is not by intellectual understanding but my trusting Him; and to remind me words are symbols of what they point to.
Example: When I hear the words "Sports Car" what comes to my mind is a white 1994 Mazda Miata with optional hard top that I once owned - the joy of driving on the freeway late at night with the top down and my long hair pinned back so I didn't get a mouth full while driving - speeding around and changing lanes and listening to Christian rock or cool jazz while loving God in the freedom of speed. I doubt if many people have a deep-seated sense of spiritual freedom or even being fully alive or fully abandoned to Christ when they hear the word "Sports Car". Every word from baby-babble to a PhD candidate's discipline's vocabulary is a container for the dictionary meaning; however, it is much deeper than that - it carries all the knowledge, education, experience, emotion, hopes and desires that goes along with the word.
When hearing Biblical words, I have to remember they are more than the dictionary meaning, the interpreter's meaning (since I read the Bible in English) but include the denomination meaning, person's historical interpretation and all of the above list I mentioned in the last paragraph. It's no wonder no two people can interpret the Bible the same; in fact, it's a miracle that two people may even agree on any part of the Bible!
That's where metaphors and parables help me accept people even though they have very different interpretations of the Bible then I have. Even the words they tell me about their beliefs are containers for something deeper - for explaining not only what they believe but it also says a lot about who they are. It helps me remember I am a person in process and just because I believe something today - as I experience life and the Holy Spirit deals causing my beliefs and priorities to change that day by day, how I interpret my faith and practice my faith will change. It's growth - scary but an adventure. There's times I like to study the Word from another frame of reference; it may help me grow and change my beliefs; or it may help me embrace stronger what I already believe - but overall, it seems to help me be more loving and accepting of those who hold different concepts of Christianity or different doctrines. Those God-ordained encounters help me grow in non-dualistic thinking and at my current place of faith - I feel God is wanting me, encouraging me and helping me shed the non-dualism as He creates the "mind of Christ" in me. I am grateful He showed me I'd just changed a few of my dualistic, or thought areas of "me vs them" but was still in the ol' game of proving myself instead of enjoying myself, others and God.
Father God, deliver me from egocentric self who needs dualistic thinking to survive. Please deliver me from the need to be right or prove myself. Help me grow in the compassionate goal of loving others like Christ did. Help me remember when Jesus spoke strongly to those who he didn't agree with - it was done in compassion and not in judgment and help me remember I'm not called to judge or correct since I can't do it from a place of perfect love. Help me to offer a listening ear and compassion. Amen.
I realized today that as I switch from fundamentalism to liturgical, from dualistic to non-dualistic thinking that at times I've switched to a different set of criteria for reverting to dualistic thinking. I won't list the list of my egocentric thoughts; even though I just became aware that I have changed one set of criteria for another to continue to embrace dualistic thinking - even though I know how harmful it is to me, to relationships and especially to my relationship with God.
Jesus was non-dualistic. His teaching was beautifully non-dualistic and at times He even uses metaphors and parables that clash with what He said in other scripture. He's called the Prince of Peace - then says he brings a sword; He says He came to save all - then says he teaches in parables so people won't see or understand. I know there are many more, but these two pop into my mind. To find any inner peace, I had to find intellectual sense to make them agree or put them into a framework so they would agree or pseudo-agree. I am learning to live with the dissonance and finding joy in the opposites written in Christ's red letters in my Bible. Sometimes I wonder if God did that to teach me to trust Him even when my mind can't make sense of it; to help me learn faith is not by intellectual understanding but my trusting Him; and to remind me words are symbols of what they point to.
Example: When I hear the words "Sports Car" what comes to my mind is a white 1994 Mazda Miata with optional hard top that I once owned - the joy of driving on the freeway late at night with the top down and my long hair pinned back so I didn't get a mouth full while driving - speeding around and changing lanes and listening to Christian rock or cool jazz while loving God in the freedom of speed. I doubt if many people have a deep-seated sense of spiritual freedom or even being fully alive or fully abandoned to Christ when they hear the word "Sports Car". Every word from baby-babble to a PhD candidate's discipline's vocabulary is a container for the dictionary meaning; however, it is much deeper than that - it carries all the knowledge, education, experience, emotion, hopes and desires that goes along with the word.
When hearing Biblical words, I have to remember they are more than the dictionary meaning, the interpreter's meaning (since I read the Bible in English) but include the denomination meaning, person's historical interpretation and all of the above list I mentioned in the last paragraph. It's no wonder no two people can interpret the Bible the same; in fact, it's a miracle that two people may even agree on any part of the Bible!
That's where metaphors and parables help me accept people even though they have very different interpretations of the Bible then I have. Even the words they tell me about their beliefs are containers for something deeper - for explaining not only what they believe but it also says a lot about who they are. It helps me remember I am a person in process and just because I believe something today - as I experience life and the Holy Spirit deals causing my beliefs and priorities to change that day by day, how I interpret my faith and practice my faith will change. It's growth - scary but an adventure. There's times I like to study the Word from another frame of reference; it may help me grow and change my beliefs; or it may help me embrace stronger what I already believe - but overall, it seems to help me be more loving and accepting of those who hold different concepts of Christianity or different doctrines. Those God-ordained encounters help me grow in non-dualistic thinking and at my current place of faith - I feel God is wanting me, encouraging me and helping me shed the non-dualism as He creates the "mind of Christ" in me. I am grateful He showed me I'd just changed a few of my dualistic, or thought areas of "me vs them" but was still in the ol' game of proving myself instead of enjoying myself, others and God.
Father God, deliver me from egocentric self who needs dualistic thinking to survive. Please deliver me from the need to be right or prove myself. Help me grow in the compassionate goal of loving others like Christ did. Help me remember when Jesus spoke strongly to those who he didn't agree with - it was done in compassion and not in judgment and help me remember I'm not called to judge or correct since I can't do it from a place of perfect love. Help me to offer a listening ear and compassion. Amen.
Saturday, 2 November 2013
Gratitude List
It's been a while since I've made a gratitude list. I've felt such gratitude welling up inside me - often into silence of God's peace and at times into God's joy - and maybe they are the same: gratitude, peace and joy from Father God.
Tonight I'm grateful for:
Amen.
Tonight I'm grateful for:
- the warm day and the beautiful colours of leaves on the green grass
- my little cottage filled with solitude and peace
- that my home is warm - physically and, to me, it wraps loving arms of welcome around me and guests.
- my job that I like
- my boss's compassion and helpful suggestions
- that I produced a lot at work today
- that I know God loves me
- that I know God's freedom
- for Richard Rohr's "Falling Upward" that has had such a powerful impact on my life
- that Father Gerald taught me to meditate and contemplate
- that I was ready to learn this blessed method of prayer when a teacher was available
- for my Fundamentalist background
- for the strength to move from that Fundamentalism into...I know not what to call it but it is such a wonderful place of liberty. It was not an easy transition; but it has helped me love God more and I hope that love spills over into loving others in a more Christ-like way.
- for being a part of my mothers passing (although I missed the last 18 hours)
- that Mom saw Rick and our son in heaven as she was rejoicing over the people waiting for her
- for the vision I had in the airport before I left to be with Mom
- that God always comes through - always, no exceptions, no errors, no doubts
- that I am learning to be open to see God's grace more and more
- that I know that in heaven not only do our physical disease end; but so does the things that held us back and we will ... (no word, but fly high may touch the edge of the word I don't know) in Him without anchors holding us down - anchors like self-doubts, fears, health, aging, limits.
- that I am grasping a tiny bit of Kabbalah and feel so close to Jesus who would have been trained in this Jewish mysticism as a boy and young man. It helps me understand the gospels better and to feel I know Him better.
- that I can laugh, unafraid of my deteriorating health - I've named my sick liver Olivia and know she has about 40 million viruses to be her friends and for a few days I've known she has new toys to play with - a lot of liver cysts, that she probably things are balls to play with. Anthropomorphizing my liver to playing with her wounds may seem silly - but it helps me mentally play with my future demise and make sense of it and set goals for the now.
- that suffering is a beautiful gift - hand-picked from God to season our life with subtle flavours of Christ-likeness. Yet, I'm not suffering - I'm rejoicing. I could be distraught and angst-laden but I have peace and joy - what a wonderful gift. Yet, even if I would mentally or physically suffer with this disease, God would use it to work all things out to my good (Rom 8.28).
- that I have grown past the thought of fighting for healing and have come to love resting in God's never-failing arms with abandoned trust... without guilt or shame for choosing that path. In the light of eternity - just resting in Him makes more rational and spiritual sense to me then in spending the rest of my life fighting aging, the devil, sickness or anything. One thing... (Ps 27.4)
- that God has taught me the joy of suffering - not that I seek suffering, in fact it's hard to notice suffering when joy is the predominant emotion.
- that the handy-man will do some maintenance things around the house tomorrow - this is a big blessing because he now works full time but will make room in his busy schedule to help me. I'm so blessed because some things I don't know how to do and some things I'm not strong enough to do. Praise God!
- for my four friends who I know I can telephone day or night and you'll be there for me - and I know it is reciprocal. I am so blessed.
- for this joy that doesn't stop - at times I wonder what I did to deserve it, and realize there is nothing in my life I could have done good enough to get this much joy; so I count it God's grace and am overwhelmed but grateful.
- for music
- for my new Christian instrumental CD with lots of saxophone. I remember loving to hear Dad play the sax and listening to this tape, touches deep places where God is palpable and although I'm laying on the sofa resting, my spirit is worshiping God by dancing around the room.
- that I have a heart of gratitude - must have been a gift from God as my natural response to life was worry, fear and resentment, but gratitude is a much more restful response.
- for God's love
Amen.
Sunday, 27 October 2013
US Secret Service and Sacrificial Living
Romans 5: 7-8 "We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him." (The Message Version)
May seem an odd topic to have pondered over the last few days, but I watched a documentary on the US Secret Service who are trained and willing to die for the US President. That made me wonder who I would be willing to put my life on the line for: my sons, my grandchildren, my niece and her children, Pope Francis and the current Dalai Lama. It's a fairly small circle in comparison to the 6 billion people in the world. I wish it was larger. I am grateful it's not a list of 0, but it does let me see that I have major room to grow as a Christian.
Although the circle is small of who I would die for; I'm more than willing to use this "earth suit" to help others after my demise. One of my disappointments is when I die that my organs can't be donated to save other lives; neither can my body go to science to train young people to become MDs; nor have I ever been able to donate blood. I have found an organization in the US who will accept my brain as a donation to help learn about brain injuries for athletes who need them so badly they aren't picky! ;) I am grateful for that.
1 John 3.16 says, "Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren."
I want to learn to live more sacrificially; but I don't have a 21st century model of how that looks for an older woman in frail health. It will be an adventure, I'm sure. God loves to keep life moving forward and adding excitement.
May seem an odd topic to have pondered over the last few days, but I watched a documentary on the US Secret Service who are trained and willing to die for the US President. That made me wonder who I would be willing to put my life on the line for: my sons, my grandchildren, my niece and her children, Pope Francis and the current Dalai Lama. It's a fairly small circle in comparison to the 6 billion people in the world. I wish it was larger. I am grateful it's not a list of 0, but it does let me see that I have major room to grow as a Christian.
Although the circle is small of who I would die for; I'm more than willing to use this "earth suit" to help others after my demise. One of my disappointments is when I die that my organs can't be donated to save other lives; neither can my body go to science to train young people to become MDs; nor have I ever been able to donate blood. I have found an organization in the US who will accept my brain as a donation to help learn about brain injuries for athletes who need them so badly they aren't picky! ;) I am grateful for that.
1 John 3.16 says, "Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren."
I want to learn to live more sacrificially; but I don't have a 21st century model of how that looks for an older woman in frail health. It will be an adventure, I'm sure. God loves to keep life moving forward and adding excitement.
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Reading: "Simple Kabbalah" by Kim Zetter (Part 1)
Today I finished reading a book on a topic that has interested me since high school, Kabbalah. I became interested because of the similarities of my last name to this practice. As I read the book, I realized I was right on time - not 45 years late as the calendar may show from the time I had interest until I was ready to read about Kabbalah, or Jewish mysticism.
As I read the book, I had to return to view the author - so much of the information was almost identical to what I'd read and began to love about Richard Rohr's teachings. They were concepts I was not ready to read until I had matured in my faith - started my second stage of life. Slightly different language, but a new depth of understanding to the spiritual and Biblical truths I already embrace.
I not only was pleasantly surprised how the teachings mirror Rohr's teachings, but it helped me understand what Jesus was saying.
Here's a graphic of the Kabbalah Tree of Life. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/d/d5/Ktreewnames.png/288px-Ktreewnames.png
Now I'll give some quotes from the book and comments.
Chapter 1: What is Kabbalah?
p. 1 "What is Kabbalah? Nothing short of an answer to the questions of our universe and the ages. More specifically, Kabbalah is the mystical, esoteric side of Judaism that delves into a deeper understanding of the Hebrew Bible (or Old Testament) beyond its literal interpretation to provide us with information abut the soul; the nature of God, Creation, and the spiritual world; and about our individual relationship to God and each other."
The book explains how Kabbalah is traced back to Moses when he was on the mountain receiving the 10 commandments; and possibly what Moses received was a fuller revelation then what Moses had been taught through tradition from the patriarchs. Through the centuries (millennium?) Kabbalah had times of greater popularity and times only a few were interested in its study.
p. 12 "Just as we are composed of an inner and outer layer--the physical and the spiritual--so, too, is the Torah (i.e. first 5 books of the Old Testament). The narrative Torah is the outer layer, while Kabbalah is the inner layers."
p. 14 Kabbalah masters...had a strong foundation in the literal interpretatios before they embarked on the spiritual journeys that led them to the knowledge of Kabbalah."
p. 18 "...four levels on which we can read and interpret the Torah: the literal meaning, the metaphorical meaning; the allegorical; and the secret or esoteric."
I have been wanting to learn new ways, besides literal, to discover deeper truths in the Bible - so it sounds like this might be a method. But one book is certainly not enough information to decide if this is a method for me. As I checked online, I found many occultists have adapted the Kabbalah to their teachings, too. Thus if I feel led this direction, I will have to use discretion and possibly spiritual direction to assure I don't derail my faith.
p. 20 "Further to these four levels of reading the Torah, the work also has, according to tradition, "seventy faces, meaning that spread among these four levels are seventy possible interpretations of the text. Think about the complexity of this."
It sounds a bit overwhelming. But it seems it would shove me out of black/white thinking if I accepted there was 70 interpretations and each one was as valid as the next. What a door to greater acceptance of self and others - to unity..... to shed the legalism that so easily trips me.
p. 25 "The purpose of Kabbalah is to teach us that there is a deeper truth to life and to bring us closer to God. The story of Genesis was not given to us to satisfy our curiosity, it was given to us to teach us the path from which we came, and thus to give us a map back to the source."
As I begin to know my Source (God through Jesus Christ), the better I know myself, accept myself, value myself and the greater propensity I have to know, value and accept others without trying to change them.... but trust God to change them in His timing. As I read the book, I could see Kabbalah would impact every part of life - from time management, emotions, intellect, relationships, ecology, compassion, giving, sexuality, etc. It seems very thorough - but what else would I expect from something that could be a help in redemption - of setting things (me since that's my locus of control) closer to God. Scripture to support that premise: "work out salvation with fear and trembling."
p. 28 "It [Kabbalah] is about living a conscious life, and this is an ongoing, lifelong process."
I've heard this from my priest - maybe in different words, but the concept. My interpretation: living aware of God in me, and God in the other - and honouring that. Not walking on auto-pilot and living by rote.
Chapter 2: A Brief History of Kabbalah
p. 32 "Some Kabbalists suggest that the coat of many colors that Joseph received from his father and of which his brothers were envious was actually a metaphor for the secret teachings of God that Jacob passed to his favorite son."
p. 38 "... about Ezekiel's account. The suggestion that God might be found anywhere by anyone who had the skills to reach him. God was accessible through a power that we possessed, if only we could learn how to develop it."
In the New Testament, we know we can do that through Christ, but to have come to that conclusion 1,000 years before Christ shows an enlightenment that surprised me - I knew King David had reached that knowledge, but hadn't thought of other Old Testament personalities who shared in that truth.
p. 40 "This is knowledge that cannot be obtained through mundane intellectual study. It comes only through deep meditation, through releasing the rational nature and allowing the spiritual nature to soar in the realms of the divine."
In just my few years as a novice meditator on the Word of God, I can see the wisdom and practicality of the above statements. What is so wonderful, is it's simple and do-able and, for this woman who struggles with legalism, meditation can't be done wrong!
The next part I'll just summarize. Just as chemistry has discovered bonds that hold electrons, neutrons and protons together, Kabbalah sees the Hebrew letters in words similar to the periodic chart. The letters tie together spiritual principles the same way elements are held together. It's like spiritual understanding paved the way to scientific understanding.
Chapter 3: Some Key Principles of Kabbalah
I often said, "Oh" and "Aaah" as I read this chapter. The concepts were easy to understand since I was taught by my father when I was a child to see God in science and in nature.
According to this chapter, the equivalent of black holes were already a spiritual concept centuries before scientists found them and named them. Instead of using quotes, I'll summarize my understanding. When God chose to create, everything was filled with himself - so he had to contract himself to have a space to create something new - what we call Creation. One example the author used was taking a square piece of paper and cutting a round circle in the middle - then cutting the circle portion into tiny stars until all the pieces were star shaped - then putting them back in the circle. Another example given was breathing - God inhaled part of who he was so he could exhale creation - all was his breath.
p. 82 "It is as if God sucked in a part of the light that was Him, and then blew out a smaller stream of it. The black space created is at the center of the universe and into this space the emanation is sent. Recall that Arthur Waskow suggested that the name of God, YHWY, is the sound of breath. God 'breathes' the letters of his name into the emptiness to create the universe."
Rohr and my priest often teach the last half of the above paragraph; however, I love the deeper (to me) understanding of black space and creation being part of the God-breath, especially when I inhale and exhale His wonderful name. Although it may be an anthropomorphism, I think of God breathing now - still creating, still breathing more life into me (and you, dear reader) since each of us is one of His creations. I like the thought of when I meditate that God's exhaled breath is my inhaled breath, and as I exhale, he inhales it. It's probably that way when I'm not aware or not meditating - but just how spirituality works.
As the author discusses breathing in and out - or stepping back and moving forward, she says on page 84: [stepping back and forward]..." led Kabbalists to the concepts of sinning and making mistakes as steps toward redemption and renewal."
I hadn't thought like that. Yet, in hindsight I can see each sin and mistake has brought me to a new level - of self awareness, self-denial or God-awareness and grace. This "narrow path" is often meandering through the mountains and valleys and not straight or easy.
p. 93 "For Kabbalists, Creation is not a question of Darwin or God, but of Darwin and God. They see no contradiction between the two paths. As far as they are concerned, scientists and theologians are describing the same events. Scientists are describing Creation as it occurred on the material level--involving measurable energy forces and matter--and theologians are describing Creation as it occurred on the immaterial level - the source behind those energy forces and matter."
_______________________
That's the first three and now it's time to decide if I want supper or to just go to bed and sleep. I'll comment on a few more chapters in the next few days.
Blessings to those who read here.
As I read the book, I had to return to view the author - so much of the information was almost identical to what I'd read and began to love about Richard Rohr's teachings. They were concepts I was not ready to read until I had matured in my faith - started my second stage of life. Slightly different language, but a new depth of understanding to the spiritual and Biblical truths I already embrace.
I not only was pleasantly surprised how the teachings mirror Rohr's teachings, but it helped me understand what Jesus was saying.
Here's a graphic of the Kabbalah Tree of Life. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/d/d5/Ktreewnames.png/288px-Ktreewnames.png
Now I'll give some quotes from the book and comments.
Chapter 1: What is Kabbalah?
p. 1 "What is Kabbalah? Nothing short of an answer to the questions of our universe and the ages. More specifically, Kabbalah is the mystical, esoteric side of Judaism that delves into a deeper understanding of the Hebrew Bible (or Old Testament) beyond its literal interpretation to provide us with information abut the soul; the nature of God, Creation, and the spiritual world; and about our individual relationship to God and each other."
The book explains how Kabbalah is traced back to Moses when he was on the mountain receiving the 10 commandments; and possibly what Moses received was a fuller revelation then what Moses had been taught through tradition from the patriarchs. Through the centuries (millennium?) Kabbalah had times of greater popularity and times only a few were interested in its study.
p. 12 "Just as we are composed of an inner and outer layer--the physical and the spiritual--so, too, is the Torah (i.e. first 5 books of the Old Testament). The narrative Torah is the outer layer, while Kabbalah is the inner layers."
p. 14 Kabbalah masters...had a strong foundation in the literal interpretatios before they embarked on the spiritual journeys that led them to the knowledge of Kabbalah."
p. 18 "...four levels on which we can read and interpret the Torah: the literal meaning, the metaphorical meaning; the allegorical; and the secret or esoteric."
I have been wanting to learn new ways, besides literal, to discover deeper truths in the Bible - so it sounds like this might be a method. But one book is certainly not enough information to decide if this is a method for me. As I checked online, I found many occultists have adapted the Kabbalah to their teachings, too. Thus if I feel led this direction, I will have to use discretion and possibly spiritual direction to assure I don't derail my faith.
p. 20 "Further to these four levels of reading the Torah, the work also has, according to tradition, "seventy faces, meaning that spread among these four levels are seventy possible interpretations of the text. Think about the complexity of this."
It sounds a bit overwhelming. But it seems it would shove me out of black/white thinking if I accepted there was 70 interpretations and each one was as valid as the next. What a door to greater acceptance of self and others - to unity..... to shed the legalism that so easily trips me.
p. 25 "The purpose of Kabbalah is to teach us that there is a deeper truth to life and to bring us closer to God. The story of Genesis was not given to us to satisfy our curiosity, it was given to us to teach us the path from which we came, and thus to give us a map back to the source."
As I begin to know my Source (God through Jesus Christ), the better I know myself, accept myself, value myself and the greater propensity I have to know, value and accept others without trying to change them.... but trust God to change them in His timing. As I read the book, I could see Kabbalah would impact every part of life - from time management, emotions, intellect, relationships, ecology, compassion, giving, sexuality, etc. It seems very thorough - but what else would I expect from something that could be a help in redemption - of setting things (me since that's my locus of control) closer to God. Scripture to support that premise: "work out salvation with fear and trembling."
p. 28 "It [Kabbalah] is about living a conscious life, and this is an ongoing, lifelong process."
I've heard this from my priest - maybe in different words, but the concept. My interpretation: living aware of God in me, and God in the other - and honouring that. Not walking on auto-pilot and living by rote.
Chapter 2: A Brief History of Kabbalah
p. 32 "Some Kabbalists suggest that the coat of many colors that Joseph received from his father and of which his brothers were envious was actually a metaphor for the secret teachings of God that Jacob passed to his favorite son."
p. 38 "... about Ezekiel's account. The suggestion that God might be found anywhere by anyone who had the skills to reach him. God was accessible through a power that we possessed, if only we could learn how to develop it."
In the New Testament, we know we can do that through Christ, but to have come to that conclusion 1,000 years before Christ shows an enlightenment that surprised me - I knew King David had reached that knowledge, but hadn't thought of other Old Testament personalities who shared in that truth.
p. 40 "This is knowledge that cannot be obtained through mundane intellectual study. It comes only through deep meditation, through releasing the rational nature and allowing the spiritual nature to soar in the realms of the divine."
In just my few years as a novice meditator on the Word of God, I can see the wisdom and practicality of the above statements. What is so wonderful, is it's simple and do-able and, for this woman who struggles with legalism, meditation can't be done wrong!
The next part I'll just summarize. Just as chemistry has discovered bonds that hold electrons, neutrons and protons together, Kabbalah sees the Hebrew letters in words similar to the periodic chart. The letters tie together spiritual principles the same way elements are held together. It's like spiritual understanding paved the way to scientific understanding.
Chapter 3: Some Key Principles of Kabbalah
I often said, "Oh" and "Aaah" as I read this chapter. The concepts were easy to understand since I was taught by my father when I was a child to see God in science and in nature.
According to this chapter, the equivalent of black holes were already a spiritual concept centuries before scientists found them and named them. Instead of using quotes, I'll summarize my understanding. When God chose to create, everything was filled with himself - so he had to contract himself to have a space to create something new - what we call Creation. One example the author used was taking a square piece of paper and cutting a round circle in the middle - then cutting the circle portion into tiny stars until all the pieces were star shaped - then putting them back in the circle. Another example given was breathing - God inhaled part of who he was so he could exhale creation - all was his breath.
p. 82 "It is as if God sucked in a part of the light that was Him, and then blew out a smaller stream of it. The black space created is at the center of the universe and into this space the emanation is sent. Recall that Arthur Waskow suggested that the name of God, YHWY, is the sound of breath. God 'breathes' the letters of his name into the emptiness to create the universe."
Rohr and my priest often teach the last half of the above paragraph; however, I love the deeper (to me) understanding of black space and creation being part of the God-breath, especially when I inhale and exhale His wonderful name. Although it may be an anthropomorphism, I think of God breathing now - still creating, still breathing more life into me (and you, dear reader) since each of us is one of His creations. I like the thought of when I meditate that God's exhaled breath is my inhaled breath, and as I exhale, he inhales it. It's probably that way when I'm not aware or not meditating - but just how spirituality works.
As the author discusses breathing in and out - or stepping back and moving forward, she says on page 84: [stepping back and forward]..." led Kabbalists to the concepts of sinning and making mistakes as steps toward redemption and renewal."
I hadn't thought like that. Yet, in hindsight I can see each sin and mistake has brought me to a new level - of self awareness, self-denial or God-awareness and grace. This "narrow path" is often meandering through the mountains and valleys and not straight or easy.
p. 93 "For Kabbalists, Creation is not a question of Darwin or God, but of Darwin and God. They see no contradiction between the two paths. As far as they are concerned, scientists and theologians are describing the same events. Scientists are describing Creation as it occurred on the material level--involving measurable energy forces and matter--and theologians are describing Creation as it occurred on the immaterial level - the source behind those energy forces and matter."
_______________________
That's the first three and now it's time to decide if I want supper or to just go to bed and sleep. I'll comment on a few more chapters in the next few days.
Blessings to those who read here.
Saturday, 21 September 2013
Anger and Hell
Two topics that are floating around my brain:
ANGER:
The anger seems it is related to the amount of energy I feel. Some is probably the anger of the grief cycle of Mom's death, so I acknowledge it as such and am trying to look deeper into myself to see what I need to bring to God to heal. On the physical front, after 3 months of on and off of antibiotics for rotten teeth, and spending hundreds of dollars to get referred to dentists who may or may not remove the offending teeth - I am weary. I feel no closer to finding a dentist who has hospital privileges so he/she can administer the platelets I require before surgery. The latest hope is an oral surgeon who comes from Nova Scotia. Unfortunately, the gov't has drastically reduced dental surgery under socialized medicine - it is unclear if I'll have to pay for the day in the hospital and buy the blood products and will probably have to pay $150 per tooth (12 teeth need removed which means upper dentures). I want local anesthetic, so at least I won't have to pay for an anesthesiologist. This run-around, this potential financial burden, this frustrating not knowing is adding to my anger. I just want to feel as good as possible at this stage of life - and with this infection from my teeth that has gone to my sinus and lungs, I am weary - so very weary.
DOCTRINE OF HELL:
I've been googling "History of the Doctrine of Hell" because I heard a place of eternal damnation was not part of the first century church or part of Judaism. It seems what I heard agrees with Bible scholars. The words gehenna, tartarus and sheol had the connotation of being purified while on earth to help us mature - think Malachi 3.3. It seems logical to me because had Jesus changed the understanding of the afterlife from what it had been during the millennium of Judaic doctrine, it seems logical he would have been very specific in defining and explaining that change. I could delineate some of the scholarly and practical reasons why I think mankind created hell, but as I "try out" this doctrine to see if it's the path God has for me as I learn to rightly divide the Truth of his Word, My first thought is I know I love God because He loves me but my second thought is how much more I love a God who is so magnanimous in his loving that He offers forgiveness to those who don't accept Him, worship Him, or worship other Gods or even ask Him for forgiveness. It compels me to love God more and to want to cling closer to Him. It would feel so beautiful to fall at the feet of the Lord, cast my crown at His feet and know that there is not people He is punishing with eternal damnation - but that He was Victor in all things - even over unrepentant sinners. It feels glorious to think of heaven without thinking of those who are in eternal torment being punished by a God who tells us He is a God of love.
ANGER:
The anger seems it is related to the amount of energy I feel. Some is probably the anger of the grief cycle of Mom's death, so I acknowledge it as such and am trying to look deeper into myself to see what I need to bring to God to heal. On the physical front, after 3 months of on and off of antibiotics for rotten teeth, and spending hundreds of dollars to get referred to dentists who may or may not remove the offending teeth - I am weary. I feel no closer to finding a dentist who has hospital privileges so he/she can administer the platelets I require before surgery. The latest hope is an oral surgeon who comes from Nova Scotia. Unfortunately, the gov't has drastically reduced dental surgery under socialized medicine - it is unclear if I'll have to pay for the day in the hospital and buy the blood products and will probably have to pay $150 per tooth (12 teeth need removed which means upper dentures). I want local anesthetic, so at least I won't have to pay for an anesthesiologist. This run-around, this potential financial burden, this frustrating not knowing is adding to my anger. I just want to feel as good as possible at this stage of life - and with this infection from my teeth that has gone to my sinus and lungs, I am weary - so very weary.
DOCTRINE OF HELL:
I've been googling "History of the Doctrine of Hell" because I heard a place of eternal damnation was not part of the first century church or part of Judaism. It seems what I heard agrees with Bible scholars. The words gehenna, tartarus and sheol had the connotation of being purified while on earth to help us mature - think Malachi 3.3. It seems logical to me because had Jesus changed the understanding of the afterlife from what it had been during the millennium of Judaic doctrine, it seems logical he would have been very specific in defining and explaining that change. I could delineate some of the scholarly and practical reasons why I think mankind created hell, but as I "try out" this doctrine to see if it's the path God has for me as I learn to rightly divide the Truth of his Word, My first thought is I know I love God because He loves me but my second thought is how much more I love a God who is so magnanimous in his loving that He offers forgiveness to those who don't accept Him, worship Him, or worship other Gods or even ask Him for forgiveness. It compels me to love God more and to want to cling closer to Him. It would feel so beautiful to fall at the feet of the Lord, cast my crown at His feet and know that there is not people He is punishing with eternal damnation - but that He was Victor in all things - even over unrepentant sinners. It feels glorious to think of heaven without thinking of those who are in eternal torment being punished by a God who tells us He is a God of love.
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Immigration, Families & Grieving
I have felt quite angry lately. I don't even like to spend time with myself because of my poor attitude. I realize anger is a part of grieving and I must be grieving. It was two weeks ago today that Mom died and I have not had a deep, boo-hoo, hiccup-making cry yet. May or may not - time will tell. There are many times that I think of something humorous that happened that I'd like to tell her next time we talk on the phone; then I remember she can no longer hear well enough to hear me on the phone; then I remember she isn't near a phone. I laugh at myself because I know it will take a while to adapt to the new change. Yet, I know she was ready to go and she's with Dad and I'm happy for her and him and for Jesus who orchestrated the whole thing.
Yet, I know in heaven she knows and she is known. (1 Cor. 13.12 - "I shall fully know, as also I was known") I believe she now fully knows me and fully accepts me. That was not possible when she was on earth. It gives me comfort and joy to experience that now. I am happy for that. I am happy for her that she is now known by God and accepted fully. I love the story of the prodigal son and am reading Henri Nouwin's book, "The Return of the Prodigal." Fully loved and accepted - whether the returning prodigal or the stay-at-home bitter older son. Both are loved and accepted. So am I. I feel accepted by God - just as I am... a little bit younger son and a little bit older son included in my character.
I have become dissatisfied with my life. I love when I recognize that gentle, inner gnawing that makes me uncomfortable and dissatisfied; because it is God's way of growing me up. I no longer fear those times of mild or intense dissatisfaction because I know the rewards of growth will become great. (I just re-read the Beatitudes and they fit here beautifully.)
I was mentally itemizing what things might be annoying me and can be changed to grow me into greater life satisfaction. It hit me in church - like a ton of bricks. I love my church family and feel accepted and loved; the people's unconditional love and acceptance has given me the courage and strength to grow. I am grateful for Father Gerald who has touched my life with that type of love... which doesn't mean he can't be a burr under my saddle at times... yet I try to pass on to others the Christ-like, brotherly love he's shown me. Okay, so I have a terrific church. Hallelujah! But that's only a few hours on Sunday for 4-5 months a year and more the other 7-8 months - so that means I can't expect my church activities to meet that need to accept and be accepted. Although that helps meet my need for belonging, there is still a big gap in filling that need. I think that will be the growth - how to feel I belong when it's sporadic and very transitional; or what can I do to fill the gap, even with my limited energy?
The first thought was take in foster children and give them a place to feel accepted and where they belong (at least temporarily). I don't think my health or age would allow that.I doubt if I'd meet the requirements for such a responsibility.
Next thought was finding a partner. Then I laughed at myself. Not because I'm against remarriage, but hunting for an intimate, rest-of-my-life relationship so I feel I belong would be the wrong motive. I won't do that to me or some man. It's an unrealistic expectation to place that "make me feel I belong" onto one person. What a weight to expect one person to carry. No way! A few days before she passed, Mom said her and Dad had discussed me and they were hoping I would remarry - parental pressure from the grave, eh? That's left me a bit confused since Mom was so against that after I divorced 5 years ago. It's a moot point since there's nobody I'm interested in or that has shown interest in me. I'll let God figure it out and I'll remain open to God. Most of the time, I'm very content solo; I have a few good women friends who are there for me and I feel very blessed.
Next thought was finding ways to connect with my children. When both sons and 8 of my 10 grandchildren were together at Mom's bedside, it was so wonderful to have extended family near. Sharing history, enjoying laughter, comforting each other, nursing Mom and getting reacquainted. I miss that long-term connectedness so much. It was the first time my two sets of grandchildren met each other and they had a blast. Two of the little girls cousins enjoyed dance and were having a terrific time talking about that and dancing around the common room at the rest home - to the smiles of the residents. The boy and one girl cousins enjoyed art and they were busy making posters for my mother and others. The teen girl was practicing her ASL (American Sign Language) with one of the deaf residents. The toddler was enjoying the attention of being the only preschooler. My two daughters-in-law were talking like old friends. My niece, her partner and her oldest daughter were there and I gained a greater respect for the compassion, intuition and giving that Gypsy ministered to others - took my breath away. What a powerful woman. I discovered her partner, Patrick, is a wonderful man and see why my niece is crazy-in-love with him. It was so wonderful to be a part of it all. It was amazing to watch the dynamics between people develop and grow. Because of our grief, we were able to put down the defenses and walls and be there for each other in new ways. I am so very grateful for that time. That healing time. As my sister said, even in her death, Mom was still teaching us.
I love living here, but there are times I miss family so much I can hardly stand it. If the US government doesn't increase the retirement age, in four more years I'll be eligible to come back to the US. That means all but two grandchildren will be teens. I will have missed their infant through childhood years and have almost-adult grandkids. I love children and wanted a dozen; but I love my two sons deeply and I'm grateful God chose them to grow next to my heart and in my heart and in my life. I love them very much. But they are so far away. It is so hard to stay close so far away. It is hard to stay connected when they are busy with their families of 5 children each (so far) and working on their MBA degrees while working full time. I'm grateful they want to continue to grow educationally - they learned that from me! I'm not complaining, just stating the time constraints and respect that as I know their families are priority - and I taught them that. It's great to see that happening - they are both wonderful daddies... the youngest quit work for several years to be the stay-at-home-daddy. They are awesome men and picked compatible wives.
Like I usually do when something is upsetting, I read about it, study it, figure out what it's about and then experience it. I was surprised to read there is grieving after immigration and it hits missionaries particularly hard. I'm obviously not a missionary; but a woman who followed her heart to an island that has it's own national culture (as it was it's own country until 1949); but the island somewhat shares the same English language but some dialects and words are still confusing to me. Yes, it was an adjustment but I adapted to the changes when I arrived out of my love for ex. After his betrayal, I had to remain here because I am unable to get health insurance nor am I able to work full time if a company could hire and insure me in the US. One thing Obamacare has done is lowered the pre-existing disease to 12 months, so I'd only have to wait a year after working full time to be insured and hope my disease didn't flare up and I'd lose everything I've worked for to pay the medical bills; but I don't think I am able work 40 hours a week, thus, I'm not eligible for insurance. That means Canada is home for 4 more years minimum or whenever I'm eligible for US old-age health insurance.
I've often tried to look at the bright side: at least living 4,313 KM away, I can't be accused of being a meddling mother-in-law. So that is the silver-lining blessing. It's 3,722 KM from where I live to London, England. OMG, I'm a long way away and I didn't bring Toto with me on this yellow-brick road.
I am done grieving the loss of my exes, my children, my US citizenship, my health, etc... but I haven't grieved not getting to dandle grand babies on my knee. Seeing them for a few days a year just isn't enough to carve a relationship or have sleep-overs. So, I need to grieve that loss and maybe that will help me figure out how to grieve for Mom.
I miss my offspring. I miss my beloved niece. I miss I didn't have the chance to know my great-nieces.Yet, I live in the age of e-mail, phones, flights - and I know in my grandmothers' time, women left their homes to travel to other countries or other parts of the country when they may only get to share a letter every few years. I know I need to grieve; but I know I am blessed, too.
I don't know what God is growing in me; but first I will grieve and I trust He will show the next step. I pray it brings me into feeling greater belonging and connectedness - to not feel so isolated or alienated. I talked to Mom about that once. She said from age 47 when dad died until she turned 70 and her co-workers and friends' husbands start to die like flies, then she finally felt greater acceptance by other widows/women. She said single mature women are alienated which is why many rush out and remarry so they will be socially accepted. That is comforting and discomforting. That may mean 7 more years; and it means grief and pain for others as they adjust to losing a loved one; but it is comforting that I may not always feel so alienated. Or maybe God will teach me to feel belonging even if it's on such a sporadic basis. I will continue to trust Him to lead me on the journey that He has planned for my good.
Well, that's a vulnerable blog entry. A bit more self-disclosing then I'm really comfortable with. But it is where I am right now.
Yet, I know in heaven she knows and she is known. (1 Cor. 13.12 - "I shall fully know, as also I was known") I believe she now fully knows me and fully accepts me. That was not possible when she was on earth. It gives me comfort and joy to experience that now. I am happy for that. I am happy for her that she is now known by God and accepted fully. I love the story of the prodigal son and am reading Henri Nouwin's book, "The Return of the Prodigal." Fully loved and accepted - whether the returning prodigal or the stay-at-home bitter older son. Both are loved and accepted. So am I. I feel accepted by God - just as I am... a little bit younger son and a little bit older son included in my character.
I have become dissatisfied with my life. I love when I recognize that gentle, inner gnawing that makes me uncomfortable and dissatisfied; because it is God's way of growing me up. I no longer fear those times of mild or intense dissatisfaction because I know the rewards of growth will become great. (I just re-read the Beatitudes and they fit here beautifully.)
I was mentally itemizing what things might be annoying me and can be changed to grow me into greater life satisfaction. It hit me in church - like a ton of bricks. I love my church family and feel accepted and loved; the people's unconditional love and acceptance has given me the courage and strength to grow. I am grateful for Father Gerald who has touched my life with that type of love... which doesn't mean he can't be a burr under my saddle at times... yet I try to pass on to others the Christ-like, brotherly love he's shown me. Okay, so I have a terrific church. Hallelujah! But that's only a few hours on Sunday for 4-5 months a year and more the other 7-8 months - so that means I can't expect my church activities to meet that need to accept and be accepted. Although that helps meet my need for belonging, there is still a big gap in filling that need. I think that will be the growth - how to feel I belong when it's sporadic and very transitional; or what can I do to fill the gap, even with my limited energy?
The first thought was take in foster children and give them a place to feel accepted and where they belong (at least temporarily). I don't think my health or age would allow that.I doubt if I'd meet the requirements for such a responsibility.
Next thought was finding a partner. Then I laughed at myself. Not because I'm against remarriage, but hunting for an intimate, rest-of-my-life relationship so I feel I belong would be the wrong motive. I won't do that to me or some man. It's an unrealistic expectation to place that "make me feel I belong" onto one person. What a weight to expect one person to carry. No way! A few days before she passed, Mom said her and Dad had discussed me and they were hoping I would remarry - parental pressure from the grave, eh? That's left me a bit confused since Mom was so against that after I divorced 5 years ago. It's a moot point since there's nobody I'm interested in or that has shown interest in me. I'll let God figure it out and I'll remain open to God. Most of the time, I'm very content solo; I have a few good women friends who are there for me and I feel very blessed.
Next thought was finding ways to connect with my children. When both sons and 8 of my 10 grandchildren were together at Mom's bedside, it was so wonderful to have extended family near. Sharing history, enjoying laughter, comforting each other, nursing Mom and getting reacquainted. I miss that long-term connectedness so much. It was the first time my two sets of grandchildren met each other and they had a blast. Two of the little girls cousins enjoyed dance and were having a terrific time talking about that and dancing around the common room at the rest home - to the smiles of the residents. The boy and one girl cousins enjoyed art and they were busy making posters for my mother and others. The teen girl was practicing her ASL (American Sign Language) with one of the deaf residents. The toddler was enjoying the attention of being the only preschooler. My two daughters-in-law were talking like old friends. My niece, her partner and her oldest daughter were there and I gained a greater respect for the compassion, intuition and giving that Gypsy ministered to others - took my breath away. What a powerful woman. I discovered her partner, Patrick, is a wonderful man and see why my niece is crazy-in-love with him. It was so wonderful to be a part of it all. It was amazing to watch the dynamics between people develop and grow. Because of our grief, we were able to put down the defenses and walls and be there for each other in new ways. I am so very grateful for that time. That healing time. As my sister said, even in her death, Mom was still teaching us.
I love living here, but there are times I miss family so much I can hardly stand it. If the US government doesn't increase the retirement age, in four more years I'll be eligible to come back to the US. That means all but two grandchildren will be teens. I will have missed their infant through childhood years and have almost-adult grandkids. I love children and wanted a dozen; but I love my two sons deeply and I'm grateful God chose them to grow next to my heart and in my heart and in my life. I love them very much. But they are so far away. It is so hard to stay close so far away. It is hard to stay connected when they are busy with their families of 5 children each (so far) and working on their MBA degrees while working full time. I'm grateful they want to continue to grow educationally - they learned that from me! I'm not complaining, just stating the time constraints and respect that as I know their families are priority - and I taught them that. It's great to see that happening - they are both wonderful daddies... the youngest quit work for several years to be the stay-at-home-daddy. They are awesome men and picked compatible wives.
Like I usually do when something is upsetting, I read about it, study it, figure out what it's about and then experience it. I was surprised to read there is grieving after immigration and it hits missionaries particularly hard. I'm obviously not a missionary; but a woman who followed her heart to an island that has it's own national culture (as it was it's own country until 1949); but the island somewhat shares the same English language but some dialects and words are still confusing to me. Yes, it was an adjustment but I adapted to the changes when I arrived out of my love for ex. After his betrayal, I had to remain here because I am unable to get health insurance nor am I able to work full time if a company could hire and insure me in the US. One thing Obamacare has done is lowered the pre-existing disease to 12 months, so I'd only have to wait a year after working full time to be insured and hope my disease didn't flare up and I'd lose everything I've worked for to pay the medical bills; but I don't think I am able work 40 hours a week, thus, I'm not eligible for insurance. That means Canada is home for 4 more years minimum or whenever I'm eligible for US old-age health insurance.
I've often tried to look at the bright side: at least living 4,313 KM away, I can't be accused of being a meddling mother-in-law. So that is the silver-lining blessing. It's 3,722 KM from where I live to London, England. OMG, I'm a long way away and I didn't bring Toto with me on this yellow-brick road.
I am done grieving the loss of my exes, my children, my US citizenship, my health, etc... but I haven't grieved not getting to dandle grand babies on my knee. Seeing them for a few days a year just isn't enough to carve a relationship or have sleep-overs. So, I need to grieve that loss and maybe that will help me figure out how to grieve for Mom.
I miss my offspring. I miss my beloved niece. I miss I didn't have the chance to know my great-nieces.Yet, I live in the age of e-mail, phones, flights - and I know in my grandmothers' time, women left their homes to travel to other countries or other parts of the country when they may only get to share a letter every few years. I know I need to grieve; but I know I am blessed, too.
I don't know what God is growing in me; but first I will grieve and I trust He will show the next step. I pray it brings me into feeling greater belonging and connectedness - to not feel so isolated or alienated. I talked to Mom about that once. She said from age 47 when dad died until she turned 70 and her co-workers and friends' husbands start to die like flies, then she finally felt greater acceptance by other widows/women. She said single mature women are alienated which is why many rush out and remarry so they will be socially accepted. That is comforting and discomforting. That may mean 7 more years; and it means grief and pain for others as they adjust to losing a loved one; but it is comforting that I may not always feel so alienated. Or maybe God will teach me to feel belonging even if it's on such a sporadic basis. I will continue to trust Him to lead me on the journey that He has planned for my good.
Well, that's a vulnerable blog entry. A bit more self-disclosing then I'm really comfortable with. But it is where I am right now.
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