It may seem an odd topic for Easter, but I've been thinking about a topic my priest brought up at spiritual direction. He asked if my reading of Richard Rohr is why I chose Franciscan. I said I didn't think it did; that does not minimize the impact this wonderful author/speaker has had on my spiritual formation.
As I think of being a Franciscan, I think of finding God in nature, of loving all created things (and God created everything), of humbly being a guide on the side to those God sends alongside me (2 Cor 1.4). Maybe instead of guide on the side to view myself as a gardener who nurtures so the plants become healthy specimens of what they were created to be. I think of being a peacemaker. I think of humility. I think of living in the now. I think of simplicity. I think of poverty. I think of celibacy. I think of great passion for Jesus. I think of faith so great it is shown in empathy, compassion, simplicity, gentleness and kindness - of being fully in the now (or at least growing that skill-set and attitude). Not great exploits for God but continual love-giving in the small things... not only to others but towards self. I know obedience is part of a Franciscan's vows and I'm not sure how that works as a tertiary - but I like that idea. Just as I had a 12-step sponsor to "obey" as I learned to embrace sober thinking and greater sobriety; I can see obedience to the right hierarchy become instrumental in my spiritual formation.
As mentioned above, I love the teaching of Franciscan Richard Rohr. As I view him, I see a scholar and teacher. I don't know a lot about the various orders, but I would see him more as a Jesuit or Dominican then a Franciscan. That probably shows my ignorance and possibly erroneous expectations; but it is a step to understanding and growth so I'm okay with being wrong; after all, accepting not-knowing is the first step to starting-to-know. Being a Kansas with a Germanic lineage, Rohr's practicality meshes nicely with my world view so I feel able to receive from him. Plus, he hasn't said anything I haven't heard from the pulpit since becoming Anglican (well, except never heard my parish priest explain what to do with condensed milk). Okay, that's some of my off-beat humour - it's Easter, I can shout Alleluia and enjoy some goofiness.
So, who's influenced me to "try on" the discipline of St. Francis to see if it will work for my spiritual growth? I'll mention them below while balancing that with anonymity for these people.
(1) The movie, "Brother Son, Sister Moon" was a big impact. Jesus said we have to be like little children to enter the kingdom. I loved the childlike faith, the trust, the exuberance, the non-traditional approach Francis had towards life and ministry. His humility lead those who followed. I sense his thought life was not a heavy anchor holding him back; and I covet that freedom of using thoughts instead of thoughts using me.
(2) A local Franciscan man's life has impacted me. He is a scholar and teacher. He is very giving and caring for the many children he sponsors in third-world countries and his caring goes far beyond just writing a check. Jesus washed feet; for a couple of years this man cooked, served and washed dishes at the parish I attend - and he's not even a member there. When I lived in Oklahoma, I had a woman pastor who had a teaching gift as strong as his; she was able to talk about how that gift often hindered her pastoral ministry, marriage and healthy friendships; understanding her struggles (thank God she could articulate them) has helped me view people with a strong teaching gift with more compassion then I'd normally have.
(3) When I was pregnant with my first child, we spent Palm Sunday weekend at Catholic University in Washington DC. My children's father had been deeply impacted by a Capuchin (an offshoot of Franciscan) priest who had been his National Guard chaplain and who was completing his doctorate. Some of the things he believed didn't set right with me (like to honor his collar when he went to strip clubs he put a $20 in the dancer's G-string instead of the traditional $1) but as he gave us a tour of Mary Queen of the Universe cathedral and talked about life as a monk, I was intrigued. I realized he was deeper then a party animal. Hopefully the part that disgusted me became resolved for him as he matured and came to understand his vow of poverty and chastity. My second son was named after this Capuchin. I went to google where is he now teaching (was in the Vatican for a while) and discovered he has died. Thank God for the resurrection.
(4) One of the volunteer priests in my parish has a Franciscan bent. I watch as he cleans tables, washes dishes, cooks and serves. He goes through the trash for recycling and answers questions on being ecologically responsible. He's mentioned a hobby is camping so I extrapolate he finds God especially close in nature.
(5) The viruses who share this "earth suit" have had an impact on choosing the Franciscan way. I've mentioned that before in this blog, so won't rewrite it. But the 39,000,001 of us who share this flesh and blood body are trying to negotiate friendship and cooperation. My last quarter's blood tests are the best they have been in a while and the cancer markers fell 4 points. Sounds like a win-win to me. Thus, being ecologically responsible just meshes with Franciscan spirituality.
(6) Like most of the Western world, I have had my eyes on Pope
Francis. As I thought of the media blitz, it reminded me of Princess
Diana's press coverage from her engagement forward. The press loved her
so people loved her. I pray Pope Francis can continue with the spark of
hope his life is showing and that he's genuine and not a figment of the
press's blitz. Even my Pentecostal and Salvation Army friends are
watching and reading about this humble leader. It reminds me once again
of why St. Paul tells us to pray for leaders. As a newby to understanding the various religious orders, I view Pope Francis more with his chosen name then with his chosen order. I've been impressed with his humility. I've been impressed with his willingness to step outside the box and act like Jesus - who stepped outside his religious perimeters to take liturgy from the temple to the river Jordan where he was baptized by John. St. Francis certainly stepped outside the box of traditional religion to practice his faith -- without Him, Christmas would be celebrated much differently.
(7) As far as I know, one of my most inspirational Franciscan spiritual mentors is not a Franciscan or even has taken tertiary orders; she was raised plain-clothed Quaker. What I've seen of this young woman's life embodies what I understand of Francis's teachings. This Kentuckiana woman is proactive in ministering to the poor, wounded and hurting. She is a charismatic, world-changing leader. She passes out dignity to others like a politician passing out handshakes. She is active in her local church and while employed there as church administrator (I think that was title) she introduced contemplation, prayer walks and new ways of cuddling closer to God. She is very inclusive; very -- she flabbergasted me with her universal acceptance of people - just where they were. She leads but with gentleness and trusting God to work in each person in His timing. She is very present in her conversation, her writing, in her caring. She has developed her art, her mind, her inner-life that shows in her love-walk. It was through her friendship online and later in person, that gave me an example of Christian growth and awakened the fire within to move in that direction.
(8) My dear friend on the other side of the island has been an inspiration to me. She has taught me acceptance; especially self-acceptance where I can laugh at myself. I imagine Francis with a big smile and enjoying life, camaraderie and taking time apart to enjoy solo time with Father God. She has taught me about vulnerability and boundaries and allowing God to be strong in me.
(9) My 12-step sponsor, is certainly not Franciscan but her life exhibits many of his qualities. As a single adult, she has adopted and fostered many special needs children and loved and parented them. She has buried several of the children. She talked about missing them; at other times, she would laugh that they must make quite a site when going to church or shopping: with three in wheelchairs and three needing special care to not get lost and wander away plus one "normal" child - who often caused more stress then her six special needs children. Even with her busy life, she made time for me for long daily e-mails. She knew I didn't have addictions because I had healthy coping strategies; but because I needed to see myself as God sees me. To do that, I had to learn God was not the mean deity of my childhood but a loving, involved, caring, cherishing Father. She started me on the journey to both sobriety and recovery. She earned my trust to show me who I am and to realize at the core of me is God. The more I know me, the more I know God; the more I know God, the more I know me. Day after day for six years, she corresponded and listened to my petty problems and helped me learn to perceive them in a more eternal light. She could perceive who I was and gently guide me in that direction which catching all the tricks an addict uses to get back into their addiction - and firmly helping me be proactive in my own self-life so I could walk-out of the self-harming behaviours. Eventually she knew it was time for her fledgling bird to be kicked out of the nest. I miss her, but I trust she used wisdom and God's guidance. She taught me to like and befriend myself. She knew my warpedness was so deep that only the Holy Spirit could change me; she had me memorize passages and chapters of the Bible to replace those deep and erroneous perceptions. The cleansing of the holy Word washed away that wrong thinking and taught me Abba Yhwh (Daddy God).
(10) I can't forget my friend who daily and sometimes more then daily helped me during the first year I was single. She held my hand, wiped my tears, laughed with me, cried with me, encouraged me, inspired me.. but mostly she was there for me in a way that I needed at that time. Then God moved her to Ontario so I'd have to depend on Him and not on her. God is good.
(11) Last, but certainly not least, is my Benedictine priest, confessor and spiritual director; who has encouraged me to grow and expand in the practice of my faith; and who is very present during spiritual direction. He was also very encouraging when I discussed becoming Franciscan.
Thank you to those who have been lights along the path of my life; may God bless you. Typing those made me realize how very, very blessed I am. God has blessed me with many mentors to help with my Christian growth.
Easter blessings,
Debbie
Sunday, 31 March 2013
Saturday, 30 March 2013
The Tomb is Empty.... am I?
On this night of the beautiful Easter vigil liturgy, I felt so close to God. I know He lives in me and in Him I live and move and have my being. Tonight I had a wonderful sense of my own rebirth -- that initially happened at 3:30 AM on Saturday, October 11, 1975, when I first experienced my awakening to knowing God; yet I often still have epiphanies, or mini-rebirths, or thin places that change and enliven me.
I had one tonight while progressing in the line to the Eucharistic feast. The thought came,
"The Tomb is empty... am I?"
I wrestled with that question as I stared at the dark stained glass window of Christ on the cross. I wondered if it is such an elementary question that everybody innately knows how to be empty so they can be filled with God and maybe I'm the only one who is confused about how to be empty.
I shut down the thought to participate as fully as possible in being thankful for Christ's shed blood, broken body and resurrection. The joy was overwhelming and I wanted to dance and twirl and throw my arms out and embrace all the wonderful life God has bestowed. Knowing I can twirl and dance before the Lord (or dance with the Lord) at home, I restrained my exuberance and approached this holy day with proper decorum exteriorly while my spirit was leaping inside me celebrating this marvelous, mystical holy day. I couldn't stop the ear to ear grin or the lone tear of joy that escaped.
Back at my seat, I held my prayer cross and thought-talked to God. Then I thought on the question once again.
"The tomb is empty.... am I?"
Jesus died for our sins and to show us how to live.
Romans 6 tells us when we were baptized that we died in Him so we can live in Him - can live His life, kingdom life, eternal life -- now.
Jesus rose; but no man or woman saw Him; they first saw the empty tomb.
The tomb is empty... am I?
When the tomb was empty, then Mary saw Him in the garden and mistook him for a humble, loving gardener.
When I am empty, then others will see the humble, loving Christ in me.
I want to be empty.
I don't know how to be empty. I want to know. I presume it's like most things: grace.
Thank God for grace.
Thank God for the empty tomb.
Thank God for answering prayers.
Thank God for faith - I believe He will direct me to deeper emptying.
The two scripture passages below spoke to me as I typed this blog entry. Yes, it is grace that empties my inner tomb of death and selfishness that would hold me back from a fuller life in Christ.
I had one tonight while progressing in the line to the Eucharistic feast. The thought came,
"The Tomb is empty... am I?"
I wrestled with that question as I stared at the dark stained glass window of Christ on the cross. I wondered if it is such an elementary question that everybody innately knows how to be empty so they can be filled with God and maybe I'm the only one who is confused about how to be empty.
I shut down the thought to participate as fully as possible in being thankful for Christ's shed blood, broken body and resurrection. The joy was overwhelming and I wanted to dance and twirl and throw my arms out and embrace all the wonderful life God has bestowed. Knowing I can twirl and dance before the Lord (or dance with the Lord) at home, I restrained my exuberance and approached this holy day with proper decorum exteriorly while my spirit was leaping inside me celebrating this marvelous, mystical holy day. I couldn't stop the ear to ear grin or the lone tear of joy that escaped.
Back at my seat, I held my prayer cross and thought-talked to God. Then I thought on the question once again.
"The tomb is empty.... am I?"
Jesus died for our sins and to show us how to live.
Romans 6 tells us when we were baptized that we died in Him so we can live in Him - can live His life, kingdom life, eternal life -- now.
Jesus rose; but no man or woman saw Him; they first saw the empty tomb.
The tomb is empty... am I?
When the tomb was empty, then Mary saw Him in the garden and mistook him for a humble, loving gardener.
When I am empty, then others will see the humble, loving Christ in me.
I want to be empty.
I don't know how to be empty. I want to know. I presume it's like most things: grace.
Thank God for grace.
Thank God for the empty tomb.
Thank God for answering prayers.
Thank God for faith - I believe He will direct me to deeper emptying.
The two scripture passages below spoke to me as I typed this blog entry. Yes, it is grace that empties my inner tomb of death and selfishness that would hold me back from a fuller life in Christ.
Galatians 2: 16-21
(The Message)
16 We know very well that we are not set right
with God by rule-keeping but only through personal faith in Jesus Christ. How
do we know? We tried it - and we had the best system of rules the world has
ever seen! Convinced that no human being can please God by self-improvement, we
believed in Jesus as the Messiah so that we might be set right before God by
trusting in the Messiah, not by trying to be good.
17 Have some of you noticed that we are not yet
perfect? (No great surprise, right?) And are you ready to make the accusation
that since people like me, who go through Christ in order to get things right
with God, aren't perfectly virtuous, Christ must therefore be an accessory to
sin? The accusation is frivolous.
18 If I was "trying to be good," I
would be rebuilding the same old barn that I tore down. I would be acting as a
charlatan.
19 What actually took place is this: I tried
keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I
quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man.
20 Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me
to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been
crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important
that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no
longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is
not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me
and gave himself for me.
21 I am not going to go back on that. Is it not
clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion
would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with
God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship
with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.
Galatians 5: 13-26
(The Message)
13
It is
absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that
you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and
destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love;
that's how freedom grows.
14
For
everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love
others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom.
15
If you
bite and ravage each other, watch out--in no time at all you will be annihilating
each other, and where will your precious freedom be then?
16
My
counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you
won't feed the compulsions of selfishness.
17
For
there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free
spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two
ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at
times another way according to how you feel on any given day.
18
Why
don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions
of a law-dominated existence?
19
It is
obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the
time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional
garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness;
20
trinket
gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition;
all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love
or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided
pursuits;
21
the
vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and
uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This
isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this
way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.
22
But
what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the
same way that fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others,
exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things,
a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness
permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments,
23
not
needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies
wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way.
24
Among
those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and
mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for
good--crucified.
25
Since
this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make
sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our
hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives.
26
That
means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better
and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives.
Each of us is an original.
Friday, 29 March 2013
Spirituality of Buying a Home. Hum....
Six weeks ago, when I made an offer on a house, I asked for April 9 closing and they accepted my offer with the counter-offer to move closing to the last week of March. I was concerned it would cut into my Easter spiritual
journey and take away the beauty of this season. It seems to have added
to Easter for me. I'm spending less time then hoped for doing spiritual
exercises; however, there's just something very spiritual in preparing
the home - that symbolizes refuge and hospitality to me.
Jesus was allowing his home (earth suit) to be killed to allow us access to Father - and Jesus said he was going away to prepare a home for us.... and the Bible says it is in Him we live. He is my spiritual home. Yet, he was a carpenter and he has done so much repairing of the ravages of time and abuse - without needing to use his carpenter's hammer. Being able to do that to a building that will house me, has such a pleasant aroma of Jesus. So this may have not been my desired closing date - but it was apparently God's because He had some lessons to teach me.
I have been praying for a life more grounded in simplicity - back to basics. I'll need to get rid of about 1/3 of my stuff for the smaller space and that brings me joy - less to dust and care for and to be distracted by. With e-books, do I really need 1000 books on my shelves? I'm looking forward to working with nature - and that is already in place and I just need to take over from the previous owner: septic, well, compost paraphernalia, gardening equipment, lawnmower, beautiful English garden, bird houses, big deck. I am looking forward to sensing God in nature and working with the Earth in my little spot - and praying it helps me expand in new ways spiritually and intellectually.
With the closing on Tuesday - which actually happened on Wednesday because of some glitches, this week had the propensity for intensity or maybe for insanity. I handled it okay... God's grace was sufficient and the only change I noticed was dreams that woke me and made it difficult to go back to sleep - so my days were tired but my responses to life happening still felt peaceful and maybe a little frustration but not unduly so. I think the Christian prayer disciplines of meditation and contemplation have been very helpful in helping me not respond with drama-mama angst. But I also know that this is a big life event change - taking on a mortgage and home care solo.
I occasionally lay down and take a 20 minute cat nap that refreshes me for the rest of the day. Last night I attended the prayer vigil of Maundy Thursday, drove a friend home after so didn't get to bed until almost 3am. I decided to take a cat nap. I awoke 6 hours later - I missed Good Friday mass. I did not beat myself up about it but was able to laugh at the timeliness - since the disciples did the same in the Garden of Gethsemane when Jesus asked them to stay awake. What a wonderful glimpse of reality, of recognizing my own human-ness - of seeing my story match the Bible story.
I have tried for about 8 years to take a weekly "day of rest" (sometimes successful and sometimes not). Today volunteered itself for that special day. To stay in that spiritual restful place and because I have been blessed watching Pope Francis over the past week; therefore, I plan to watch the movie, "We have a Pope" on youtube this evening. I can remember in the movie the pope running away and I imagine he returned with more humility and being in touch with people more; as I don't recall the ending. I sense that about Pope Francis. If so, I wonder how he grew that level of common sense and humility. I'm sure it was from our Lord. A learned Jesuit with a Franciscan heart. How blessed the Roman Catholic communion is for having him as an earthly leader.
Jesus was allowing his home (earth suit) to be killed to allow us access to Father - and Jesus said he was going away to prepare a home for us.... and the Bible says it is in Him we live. He is my spiritual home. Yet, he was a carpenter and he has done so much repairing of the ravages of time and abuse - without needing to use his carpenter's hammer. Being able to do that to a building that will house me, has such a pleasant aroma of Jesus. So this may have not been my desired closing date - but it was apparently God's because He had some lessons to teach me.
I have been praying for a life more grounded in simplicity - back to basics. I'll need to get rid of about 1/3 of my stuff for the smaller space and that brings me joy - less to dust and care for and to be distracted by. With e-books, do I really need 1000 books on my shelves? I'm looking forward to working with nature - and that is already in place and I just need to take over from the previous owner: septic, well, compost paraphernalia, gardening equipment, lawnmower, beautiful English garden, bird houses, big deck. I am looking forward to sensing God in nature and working with the Earth in my little spot - and praying it helps me expand in new ways spiritually and intellectually.
With the closing on Tuesday - which actually happened on Wednesday because of some glitches, this week had the propensity for intensity or maybe for insanity. I handled it okay... God's grace was sufficient and the only change I noticed was dreams that woke me and made it difficult to go back to sleep - so my days were tired but my responses to life happening still felt peaceful and maybe a little frustration but not unduly so. I think the Christian prayer disciplines of meditation and contemplation have been very helpful in helping me not respond with drama-mama angst. But I also know that this is a big life event change - taking on a mortgage and home care solo.
I occasionally lay down and take a 20 minute cat nap that refreshes me for the rest of the day. Last night I attended the prayer vigil of Maundy Thursday, drove a friend home after so didn't get to bed until almost 3am. I decided to take a cat nap. I awoke 6 hours later - I missed Good Friday mass. I did not beat myself up about it but was able to laugh at the timeliness - since the disciples did the same in the Garden of Gethsemane when Jesus asked them to stay awake. What a wonderful glimpse of reality, of recognizing my own human-ness - of seeing my story match the Bible story.
I have tried for about 8 years to take a weekly "day of rest" (sometimes successful and sometimes not). Today volunteered itself for that special day. To stay in that spiritual restful place and because I have been blessed watching Pope Francis over the past week; therefore, I plan to watch the movie, "We have a Pope" on youtube this evening. I can remember in the movie the pope running away and I imagine he returned with more humility and being in touch with people more; as I don't recall the ending. I sense that about Pope Francis. If so, I wonder how he grew that level of common sense and humility. I'm sure it was from our Lord. A learned Jesuit with a Franciscan heart. How blessed the Roman Catholic communion is for having him as an earthly leader.
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
Answer to: "So tell me what is Franciscan?"
The first friend I remember having as a
child is Janeen. I introduced her to her husband of ... 44 years married!!!!
Wow. How time flies. I remember the BRC, Girl Scouts, twirling,
playing dolls, your horse, riding bicycles, unscrewing the odometer
so Mom wouldn't punish me, playing circus with inner tubes under the dresses we borrowed from our mothers, and your wedding and later babysitting your beautiful little boy. I loved you parents – they were both so
kind, fun and involved – and very much in love with each other and it showed.
After writing yesterday's blog entry,
Janeen asked me “So tell me what is Franciscan?” Great question. What does
becoming Franciscan mean to me. That is a great question as I take my
first steps into this new adventure. Thank you for the great
question, Janeen.
I'm still learning about St. Francis.
He lived in the 12th century. The movie “Brother Sun,
Sister Moon” is about his life. Like many religious orders I've
read about, it includes a vow of poverty, chastity and obedience; and
I'm sure for married Franciscans the chastity has a different
definition but includes enjoying the marital sexual union in a way
that honors the partner and God. I was drawn to this order because of
the focus on ecology, contemplation and sensing the closeness of God
in nature. The area where I may need to grow is in becoming more
active on behalf of those who can not stand up for themselves; or
maybe my lay ministry will count as being active. I found it
interesting the new Roman Catholic Pope was Jesuit but chose Francis
as his Pope name because he likes the Franciscan way. Very
interesting and I pray he can lead like Jesus and like the ministry
of Francis.
This is a new experience for me, so I
have a lot to learn about religious orders and especially being
Franciscan; so what I say may be incorrect; but it is my early
thoughts on what it means to me and how I am interpreting being
Franciscan. I also know this understanding will grow and expand
through my 3 year training.
I have been blessed the past few years
to have a spiritual director; for those who haven't heard that term
(like I hadn't 5 years ago) possibly the term spiritual counsellor
explains it, too. I periodically talk to my pastor/priest about where
I feel lead to go in my Christian walk, where I am struggling and he
gives feedback and suggestions to help me; he asks questions to help
me clarify my thoughts about the spiritual direction of my life and
even guidance on practical things in life that are hindering me
spiritually. It's very holy and holistic. On rare times he gives
correction or asks questions to help me see myself better so I
self-correct with God help. His willingness to walk beside me in my
faith journey, and in becoming Franciscan, is important because his
ministry will help me grow spiritually. We call it spiritual
formation; I think of it as a periodic spiritual health physical; and
as a way to become more formed in the image of Christ. (Rom 8.29)
One of the initial steps is creating my
“Rule of Life” that will become the foundation for future growth.
This Rule has several requirements set by the order and some that are
developed between my spiritual director and I as I tweak my
obligations to fit my work, church and social life.
EUCHARIST: For me, taking Communion,
at least weekly, is imperative and a form of prayer that not only
feeds me spiritually and helps me grow; but helps me recognize the
unity of all believers and helps me feel connected to them.
PENITENCE: To daily examine my life –
not as a way to beat myself up for my mistakes, but to evaluate the
areas where I need growth and work on them as God leads. A component
of this is forgiving others and repenting and forgiving myself. I
find annual confession helpful – I know God has already forgiven
me, but talking to my confessor gives me an incentive to keep growing
even when it's hard. It also feels very cleansing to hear someone I
respect hear my worst thoughts, behavior and actions and reaffirm God
has forgiven me and to continue to treat me with love, respect and
dignity. He doesn't validate the sin or what lead me into sin; but
validates me as a beloved daughter of God.
PERSONAL PRAYER: I am slowly adding
part of the Divine Office (Daily Office or Liturgy of the Hours) into
my prayer life. I'm moving at a slow and comfortable rate. I like
this method of prayer as when I pray these set prayers, I realize
thousands or possibly millions of Christians around the world are
praying the same prayers throughout the day and it helps me realize
“church” is more then my local body or the people I feel affinity
with who are in my local body of believers. It also reminds me that
through the centuries that Christians have said these same set
prayers and it helps me realize that the “church” is more than
just the currently alive and walking on earth body, or the people of
my denomination; but the sisters and brothers who are in Heaven and
those who are yet unborn but called to Him. Since Jesus and the early
Christians had set times of prayer through the Jewish faith, I feel
united with Christ as I pray at set times. I still have personal
prayer of fellowship with God and intercessory prayer for those God
lays on my heart. Francis was a Christian mystic and I enjoy
Christian meditation and contemplation and find it expands my faith.
As I grow into more of the various prayer times, it seems it would be
a bit more difficult to fall into sin when I am in the habit of
stopping life to get away with God every few hours. I'm not sure how
many of the prayers my Rule of Life will include, but that will be a
discovery. When I first started these prayers, I was curious if they
would become monotonous and rote; that hasn't happened (except
occasionally); but usually the prayers grow in depth and get down
deep in my heart and change me – which often changes my perception
of the personal requests I bring to God.
SELF-DENIAL: This is a way to grow
spiritually by telling myself no; and also by saying yes to others.
Spiritual direction is helpful in this area because my spiritual
director can give feedback and as an experienced director, can see
traps ahead and help me guard myself from mistakes. Another part of
this is accepting feedback for areas of growth.
RETREATS: Often the retreats are
silent retreats. I've attended several and found them very
beneficial. Since I live alone, I wasn't certain how I'd manage a
silent retreat – to be surrounded by people and keeping mum. I
found I loved the companionship of quiet. I found it comfortable and
bonding. It has helped me find God in the quiet places of my life...
or maybe by becoming aware of God in the quiet places of my life has
helped me find God in a community of quiet or even times of noise.
Since I sense the presence of God in nature – along the coast, in
the mountains, in the breeze and taste of salt air; I feel positive
that some quiet retreats will be day trips or half day trips on the
trails – with maybe some encouragement and friendliness shared with
others on the remote trails in my beautiful Newfoundland. I may not
be talking to God, but I will be sensing Him and that awareness of
God will follow me back to the bustle of life and work. I also find
God when driving on the freeway and when I lived in Tulsa, I`d often
put the top down on my Miata and drive the almost deserted freeway
downtown in the cool of a hot summer`s night and pulled into the
driveway feeling braced and embraced; I doubt if that will become
part of my Rule of Life... ;-)
STUDY: My father taught us girls the
joy of learning and I've carried that through my life. I am very
grateful for that. I have about 40 linear feet of books (mostly
Christian) in my bookshelves. I have given away hundreds of books.
Now I have the internet and a Kindle. I love to learn – not just
from books but from others and from life. As I start to learn about
Francis and religious orders, I find the whole process of learning
this new topic delightful; yet it's more then the thrill of learning,
because I can see how practical this learning can be used in my daily
life. This will be an enjoyable aspect of becoming Franciscan and I
am willing to have my spiritual director to assist or require
specific reading to help me grow.
SIMPLICITY OF LIVING: Even though I
live modestly, there are many ways my life becomes devoid of
simplicity. Many of those are in my thought life: my home is
relatively neat and organized but my inner life, my thought life and
my emotional life, is often chaotic and cluttered. One thing
mentioned in my reading is a hindrance to simplicity is spending time
trying to meet “belonging” needs. Over the past few years I have
come to acceptance on being single; however, since the New Year, I
have found deep contentment in being solo. Not sure if that is for
the rest of my life or for a period of time; but I being single sets
well with my soul so it is no issue whichever. Life seems much more
serene and simple with letting go of my need for belonging and
realizing I belong to God and am blessed to have several good friends
who will be there for me and they are women I love and trust and they
love and trust me. I've also found being solo in a married world
makes it even more of a miracle to have a few married-couple friends.
Yet, I also know if any of these people would move away or walk away
that I would grieve the loss, but I wouldn't loose the sense of who I
am. Their loss would hurt on many levels; but it wouldn't wound my
sense of self. Yet, I am sure I will discover many other areas where
I can grow in Simplicity. Not sure how simplicity and humility fit
together, but I think they are cousins.
WORK: It seems Franciscans have a
broad definition of work for Tertiary (Third Order) Franciscans.
Third order are those who do not join a monastic order but live in
the outside world independently and/or in families; work at jobs and
serve God including their Franciscan Rule of Life. Work for Third
Order Franciscans includes what we do to earn money, but also what we
do to be Christ's hands extended in our family, church, community,
country and world. This is an area where I think being a Franciscan
will help me grow. So often there are things I want to do as a lay
person to show Christ's love and I procrastinate or let it fall
through the cracks and it doesn't materialize. I think this will give
me the accountability I need to achieve what I haven't been able to
self-motivate to do. That will mean people who help me on this
journey will be Christ's hands extended to me to help me become
rooted in this discipline. In time, hopefully God will use me to help
others.
OBEDIENCE: This will include meeting
the above obligations and a few others that I will accept when/if I
become Franciscan.
Three topicss seemed to recur:
Accountability, Outreach and Humility.
Accountability: Being single and living
far from family, I know I need the church community to help me not
become self focused but keep expanding my life for a more
spacious-in-God life.
Outreach: This touches on both
Accountability and Motivation to follow through on desires and goals
that I felt were planted by God.
Humility: Maybe Surrender is a more
accurate word. I know God is enough; however, I have come to
recognize that I need the feedback of others to help me stay on the
path towards God. Not people who will run my life; but people who
care enough about me to be open to observing me and giving valid and
valued feedback – even when it may make me cry. The reason I feel
this is humility and/or surrender is because I could go the rest of
my life thinking I can hear accurately from God and possibly
shipwreck my life (been there done that – learned some lessons)
(Proverbs 15:22 and more).
Franciscans come in various
denominations. I use to think of their order as strictly Roman
Catholic (and concrete statues of Francis in the garden with a bird
on his finger); but have discovered many denominations have
Franciscans. The Catholic/Orthodox tradition: Roman, Greek,
Russian, England, etc; but also in other denominations. Although
it's not the Missouri Synod, Janeen, there are Lutheran Franciscans:
http://lutheranfranciscans.org/Home.html
The first book I read on Francis is "Chasing Francis" and is a novel, not about his life but how practical the Franciscan lifestyle is to today's culture. It's worth a read for any who like to read or would want to read about St. Francis.
Great question, thank you for having me
put my thinking cap on.
God bless you, Janeen, and thank you once again for the great questions.
Update on My Path
Today I went to spiritual direction and confession. I talked to my Benedictine rector who was very understanding of my desire to become Franciscan. I have e-mailed for the application. I feel very excited yet a but nervous about this big step. Yes, I realize excitement and nervousness are very similar in the physical manifestations they create. I will say it is mostly excitement as that sets in a more peaceful place emotionally.
I sense no reason to be nervous about this new journey. Nervousness seems to imply that this journey becomes a goal rather than a path of adventure. I can see various outcomes: (a) I find I love the blessings of being Franciscan and it becomes a major part of my practice of Christianity. (b) I find it helpful in spiritual formation but decide it's not for me; in which case I will have the good lessons learned by the exercise and can step away guilt-free. (c) I discover Third Order life is not for me. I am growing to the place where I will not beat myself up no matter what the outcome but will do my best to listen to God and follow Him. Becoming Franciscan is not a goal for me, it is a potential method to help reach my goal of loving God more and because of that love, being able to love people more.
Instead of finishing the Matthew Fox book, I will follow the directions of my spiritual director. These are my two of my three recommended readings that I will probably journal about here:
Conferences of John Cassiun
Sayings of the Desert Fathers
The day it became available online, I signed up to take Richard Rohr's online class "Beyond the Bird Bath: Richard Rohr Teaches the Courageous Heart of the Franciscan Way." It starts April 17 and I am looking forward to it. Hopefully I will have moved into the home I am in the process of purchasing about the time the class starts. New journey into Franciscianism, New home, New freedom in Christ.
Today at spiritual reading group, the leader had us sit quietly while God gazed at us; later she had us sit quietly to gaze at God. It was only a few years ago and I would have felt shame, guilt and dirty/sinful to have participated in God gazing at me. Yet, today I could feel the sunshine of God's love pouring into me like a sweet and warm honey. I love sitting quietly and letting God gaze at me; and sitting quiet and gazing at God. It was through the inner quiet of contemplation that I came to befriend the God I have studied in the Bible for decades. The God I meet in contemplation much more resembles the God my Saviour Jesus emulated and taught: the God of love and dignity rather then a God of reward and punishment based on rule-keeping.
I am concerned the next will sound vain; however, it is not coming from that egocentric space, but from great humility, reverence and incredible awe. The more I know God, the more I know me; the more I know me, the more I know God. That makes Biblical sense as John 14:20 and many other verses explain God in me and me in God. It is a wonderful concept that gives me... the fruit of the spirit... the joy, the happiness, the ability to be kind when part of me wants to be rude. Paul tells us that we are dead and the life we now live is Christ. Knowing this truth is why I can sit and openly let God gaze at me without feeling shame, inadequate or fear.
I am soooo blessed by my loving Father.
Debbie
I sense no reason to be nervous about this new journey. Nervousness seems to imply that this journey becomes a goal rather than a path of adventure. I can see various outcomes: (a) I find I love the blessings of being Franciscan and it becomes a major part of my practice of Christianity. (b) I find it helpful in spiritual formation but decide it's not for me; in which case I will have the good lessons learned by the exercise and can step away guilt-free. (c) I discover Third Order life is not for me. I am growing to the place where I will not beat myself up no matter what the outcome but will do my best to listen to God and follow Him. Becoming Franciscan is not a goal for me, it is a potential method to help reach my goal of loving God more and because of that love, being able to love people more.
Instead of finishing the Matthew Fox book, I will follow the directions of my spiritual director. These are my two of my three recommended readings that I will probably journal about here:
Conferences of John Cassiun
Sayings of the Desert Fathers
The day it became available online, I signed up to take Richard Rohr's online class "Beyond the Bird Bath: Richard Rohr Teaches the Courageous Heart of the Franciscan Way." It starts April 17 and I am looking forward to it. Hopefully I will have moved into the home I am in the process of purchasing about the time the class starts. New journey into Franciscianism, New home, New freedom in Christ.
Today at spiritual reading group, the leader had us sit quietly while God gazed at us; later she had us sit quietly to gaze at God. It was only a few years ago and I would have felt shame, guilt and dirty/sinful to have participated in God gazing at me. Yet, today I could feel the sunshine of God's love pouring into me like a sweet and warm honey. I love sitting quietly and letting God gaze at me; and sitting quiet and gazing at God. It was through the inner quiet of contemplation that I came to befriend the God I have studied in the Bible for decades. The God I meet in contemplation much more resembles the God my Saviour Jesus emulated and taught: the God of love and dignity rather then a God of reward and punishment based on rule-keeping.
I am concerned the next will sound vain; however, it is not coming from that egocentric space, but from great humility, reverence and incredible awe. The more I know God, the more I know me; the more I know me, the more I know God. That makes Biblical sense as John 14:20 and many other verses explain God in me and me in God. It is a wonderful concept that gives me... the fruit of the spirit... the joy, the happiness, the ability to be kind when part of me wants to be rude. Paul tells us that we are dead and the life we now live is Christ. Knowing this truth is why I can sit and openly let God gaze at me without feeling shame, inadequate or fear.
I am soooo blessed by my loving Father.
Debbie
Friday, 8 March 2013
Reading: "Original Blessing" by Matthew Fox - Path 2, Step 12
Step 12: Being Emptied: Letting Pain be pain: Kenosis
p. 141 - When Christ was in pain, we were in pain. All creatures of God's creation that can suffer pain suffered with him. The sky and the earth failed at the time of Christ's dying because he too was part of nature. - Julian of Norwich.
I like what Julian of Norwich says. What an enlightened woman. I can see why she is under consideration sainthood and to become a doctor of the church. I find it interesting that Roman Catholic women can't become priests, yet four women are now Doctors of the Church.
p. 141 - It would seem that our culture is not well adapted to deal with pain. Pain is today's unmentionable reality, much as sex was unmentionable in the Victorian period. And pain is everywhere--deep, ineffable, unfathomable, cosmic pain. And it needs to be named for what it is so that we can pray our pain, i.e. enter into it.
I like what the author says. It's so easy to ignore or minimize pain to not have to sit with it (or pray our pain as the author says). I wish the Bible gave more concrete examples of how Jesus prayed his pain. He wept when Lazaruth died and he sweat tears of blood in Gethsemane - but the Bible says so minimal about Christ's inward journey that it is easy to think of it as a "doing" journey and not a "being" journey. That mindset pulls me into right/wrong, black/white, good/bad mindset that isn't healthy or productive.
p. 142 - Love your enemies. Pain is our enemy, but that is no excuse to run from embracing it, kissing it long enough so that we might truly let go of it. There is no way to let go of pain without first embracing it and loving it--not as pain but as a sister and brother in our dialectical living of both pleasure and pain. Eros does not come without a price.
I understand the author's thoughts on embracing something so we can let it go.
I have been thinking of ways to embrace my pain in a particular relationship mentioned yesterday, so I can let it go. Sitting there and listening I can sometimes use a meditative style of letting it go overhead and not grabbing it but releasing it as soon as it hits; my concern is that I'll let everything this person says float overhead and not be able to participate or hear even healthy communication.
Other times, it sneaks in and pierces me in the old wounds and the skin next to the tough scars is torn and causes new woundedness.
The only options I see today are (1) running from the pain; (2) hiding from the pain; (3) being a martyr to the pain; (4) partially protecting myself so the pain isn't constant but intermittent as I can handle it.
An online friend suggested spiritual direction to help me evaluate options, find new options and work through this fiendish situation.
p. 142 - First comes the embrace, the allowing of pain to be pain; next comes the journey with the pain; then the letting go, but in a deliberate manner, into a fire, into a cauldron where the pain's energy will serve us. And finally comes the benefit we do indeed derive from having burned this fuel. Pain is meant to give us energy.
I found this interesting, especially the timing. A friend from across the pond and I made paper rulers and burned them at 12:30 GMT. These were symbolic of the times we have measured ourselves unfairly and unjustly, the times we've felt measured inaccurately. For me, it's a putting away of self-condemnation and taking up new self-gentleness. It's embracing that pain and letting it go.
p. 143 - pain helps us to understand other people in pain. Pain is profoundly social, it is eminently shareable, and it is no coincidence that the privatizing of pain, the covering up of pain in our culture, parallels the privatizing of body and pleasure and spirituality in our culture and religions. A healthy experience of letting pain be pain is always a schooling in compassion. For when a person has suffered deeply even once and has owned that suffering, that person can never forget and never fail to recognize the pain of others. Pain is the most legitimate school for compassion that I know of.
I can relate with that. The times of immense pain; are the times when my ability to recognize and speak compassion soared. I've even eventually found compassion for the ones who caused me pain. Many times I've found ways to stay in a limited relationship with those who continue to cause me pain and I am rewarded because of that... not only for my self-protective boundaries but by the limited friendship I can embrace.
p. 143 - pain helps us to understand pleasure and to criticize it. ... allowing us to experience how the true pleasures in our lives are of the simplest, most shareable kind.
I understand and agree with that. Pain slows us down inside so we can experience those simple pleasure and often share them with others.
p. 144 - pain enlivens us and gives us energies that embarking on pain and making that journey toughens us up.
There are times I worry that if I get any tougher that I'll be impenetrable like shoe leather. How do you toughen up and keep a heart of compassion?
The two ideas of toughening and of growing in compassion seem at odds to me at this time in my journey.
p. 145 - men who discover their gentle sides in our culture is, that too often these men mistake gentleness for passivity and weakness. Sensitivity, which includes sensitivity to pain, also demands strength. A new kind of strength, it is true; the strength of endurance and perseverance; the strength that solitude requires; the strength that vulnerability is about. This strength does not come from willing it or gritting our teeth. It comes from undergoing pain--unwished-for, unplanned, unhearalded pain. There is a strength learned from suffering that cannot be learned any other way. For suffering tests the depth of our love of life and relationship even when and especially because relationships are so often the cause of our suffering.
Gender Bias Alert: I think women are better equipped to embrace pain. We're the ones who go through pms, cramps, pain of first intercourse, labour, delivery, hot flashes, etc. The physical pain associated with being female helps us develop compassion. Then there is the emotional pain of being female: the glass ceiling and the "good-ol'-boys" club at work, the wolf whistles and cat calls that objectify us, rape, abuse, etc. Although I had sons, I'm sure there is pain of seeing our female offspring suffer through the same problems of being female in a male dominate society.
Even with all that, I am grateful to be female. I am grateful to have felt the monthly life and death forces within me - the dying ovum and the pain of my body and emotions for not having conceived and the pain of cramps; or the pain of having conceived to bring forth a child. The emotional, hormonal and physical pain of menopause when our bodies lose their ability to re-create - an issue men never face since they stay fertile as long as they live. I can't imagine living in a body that had not experienced those life and death forces. The bonding those experiences have with other women and gay friends who empathize.
p. 145 - suffering is the manner in which letting pain be pain links us with others. All social movements and organization were born of pain. Not privatized pain or pain kept to oneself or the wallowing in one's own pain, but pain shared.
I have been very blessed because I have an online community and we work through our pain together. It has helped me be open to others in new ways. It has given me a more egalitarian outlook and a humbler attitude about what I know and don't know... and I don't know nearly as much as I once thought I did. ;-D
The parish I attend has started a grief support and a depression support group. I think that is wonderful. There is almost no support groups for what I was going through so I am thankful I found online. I want to write a book to share my story to help others heal. I had 50 chapters of 180 chapter devotional completed when my computer crashed. I took it in stride, I'm sure a re-do will just be better because I've continued to grow as a compassionate woman.
p. 146 - Some suffering--that which leads to birthing--can be a blessing
I think all suffering leads to birthing. A few off the top of my head births that I have experienced: growth in interpersonal relationships, becoming less demanding, losing unrealistic expectations and still learning to get rid of expectations so I can experience healthier relationships, learning boundaries, learning the language of compassion, learning to listen more carefully, learning to listen to others pain without offering guidelines unless asked, learning there are safe people and unsafe people, learning to share the pain with one or two people instead of limelighting it, learning where I need to do more boundary work, learning to express my emotions, learning to have limited relationships with some people, learning to love people even when they cause pain, learning to trust God through the pain, learning to trust pain is a teacher, learning pain eventually reduces and stops if I learn the lesson it brings, learning humility because I know I didn't figure these on my own but through God and His children who walked with me in the pain, learning to be strong for myself during pain and to ask for help when I need it.
p. 147 - I must emphasize how important it is that we not glorify pain or cling to our pain or wallow in our pain. That is not letting pain be pain--that way lies letting pain be our boss.
I agree. I also know there are times of reprocessing the pain as I grow in other areas. I am not fearful of those times because I know I will learn and they will pass. It doesn't mean I didn't heal - it just means I am healing at a deeper level. I am currently having some pain because a court order issued 2-1/2 years ago was not followed and for my financial future, I have to write and file a contempt of court and do the court thing once again. It is causing me to reprocess a very difficult and painful time of my life.
But I know the One who has laid it on my heart to not let this continue to slide but to be proactive. I think it is a good time because I am more healed now and it should not cause too deep of damage. Unfortunately, I feel like a bully for doing this; yet I know it was because the other party did not obey the judge that it has come to this. I wish the court system kept a tracking system and when somebody did not follow the judge's decree, it would automatically be taken care of. Unfortunately, it is the other party who is responsible to assure the other side dots each i and crosses each t. This too shall pass and I will (not might) grow because of it and I will experience a new round of healing... which will give me more joy and peace.
p. 141 - When Christ was in pain, we were in pain. All creatures of God's creation that can suffer pain suffered with him. The sky and the earth failed at the time of Christ's dying because he too was part of nature. - Julian of Norwich.
I like what Julian of Norwich says. What an enlightened woman. I can see why she is under consideration sainthood and to become a doctor of the church. I find it interesting that Roman Catholic women can't become priests, yet four women are now Doctors of the Church.
p. 141 - It would seem that our culture is not well adapted to deal with pain. Pain is today's unmentionable reality, much as sex was unmentionable in the Victorian period. And pain is everywhere--deep, ineffable, unfathomable, cosmic pain. And it needs to be named for what it is so that we can pray our pain, i.e. enter into it.
I like what the author says. It's so easy to ignore or minimize pain to not have to sit with it (or pray our pain as the author says). I wish the Bible gave more concrete examples of how Jesus prayed his pain. He wept when Lazaruth died and he sweat tears of blood in Gethsemane - but the Bible says so minimal about Christ's inward journey that it is easy to think of it as a "doing" journey and not a "being" journey. That mindset pulls me into right/wrong, black/white, good/bad mindset that isn't healthy or productive.
p. 142 - Love your enemies. Pain is our enemy, but that is no excuse to run from embracing it, kissing it long enough so that we might truly let go of it. There is no way to let go of pain without first embracing it and loving it--not as pain but as a sister and brother in our dialectical living of both pleasure and pain. Eros does not come without a price.
I understand the author's thoughts on embracing something so we can let it go.
I have been thinking of ways to embrace my pain in a particular relationship mentioned yesterday, so I can let it go. Sitting there and listening I can sometimes use a meditative style of letting it go overhead and not grabbing it but releasing it as soon as it hits; my concern is that I'll let everything this person says float overhead and not be able to participate or hear even healthy communication.
Other times, it sneaks in and pierces me in the old wounds and the skin next to the tough scars is torn and causes new woundedness.
The only options I see today are (1) running from the pain; (2) hiding from the pain; (3) being a martyr to the pain; (4) partially protecting myself so the pain isn't constant but intermittent as I can handle it.
An online friend suggested spiritual direction to help me evaluate options, find new options and work through this fiendish situation.
p. 142 - First comes the embrace, the allowing of pain to be pain; next comes the journey with the pain; then the letting go, but in a deliberate manner, into a fire, into a cauldron where the pain's energy will serve us. And finally comes the benefit we do indeed derive from having burned this fuel. Pain is meant to give us energy.
I found this interesting, especially the timing. A friend from across the pond and I made paper rulers and burned them at 12:30 GMT. These were symbolic of the times we have measured ourselves unfairly and unjustly, the times we've felt measured inaccurately. For me, it's a putting away of self-condemnation and taking up new self-gentleness. It's embracing that pain and letting it go.
p. 143 - pain helps us to understand other people in pain. Pain is profoundly social, it is eminently shareable, and it is no coincidence that the privatizing of pain, the covering up of pain in our culture, parallels the privatizing of body and pleasure and spirituality in our culture and religions. A healthy experience of letting pain be pain is always a schooling in compassion. For when a person has suffered deeply even once and has owned that suffering, that person can never forget and never fail to recognize the pain of others. Pain is the most legitimate school for compassion that I know of.
I can relate with that. The times of immense pain; are the times when my ability to recognize and speak compassion soared. I've even eventually found compassion for the ones who caused me pain. Many times I've found ways to stay in a limited relationship with those who continue to cause me pain and I am rewarded because of that... not only for my self-protective boundaries but by the limited friendship I can embrace.
p. 143 - pain helps us to understand pleasure and to criticize it. ... allowing us to experience how the true pleasures in our lives are of the simplest, most shareable kind.
I understand and agree with that. Pain slows us down inside so we can experience those simple pleasure and often share them with others.
p. 144 - pain enlivens us and gives us energies that embarking on pain and making that journey toughens us up.
There are times I worry that if I get any tougher that I'll be impenetrable like shoe leather. How do you toughen up and keep a heart of compassion?
The two ideas of toughening and of growing in compassion seem at odds to me at this time in my journey.
p. 145 - men who discover their gentle sides in our culture is, that too often these men mistake gentleness for passivity and weakness. Sensitivity, which includes sensitivity to pain, also demands strength. A new kind of strength, it is true; the strength of endurance and perseverance; the strength that solitude requires; the strength that vulnerability is about. This strength does not come from willing it or gritting our teeth. It comes from undergoing pain--unwished-for, unplanned, unhearalded pain. There is a strength learned from suffering that cannot be learned any other way. For suffering tests the depth of our love of life and relationship even when and especially because relationships are so often the cause of our suffering.
Gender Bias Alert: I think women are better equipped to embrace pain. We're the ones who go through pms, cramps, pain of first intercourse, labour, delivery, hot flashes, etc. The physical pain associated with being female helps us develop compassion. Then there is the emotional pain of being female: the glass ceiling and the "good-ol'-boys" club at work, the wolf whistles and cat calls that objectify us, rape, abuse, etc. Although I had sons, I'm sure there is pain of seeing our female offspring suffer through the same problems of being female in a male dominate society.
Even with all that, I am grateful to be female. I am grateful to have felt the monthly life and death forces within me - the dying ovum and the pain of my body and emotions for not having conceived and the pain of cramps; or the pain of having conceived to bring forth a child. The emotional, hormonal and physical pain of menopause when our bodies lose their ability to re-create - an issue men never face since they stay fertile as long as they live. I can't imagine living in a body that had not experienced those life and death forces. The bonding those experiences have with other women and gay friends who empathize.
p. 145 - suffering is the manner in which letting pain be pain links us with others. All social movements and organization were born of pain. Not privatized pain or pain kept to oneself or the wallowing in one's own pain, but pain shared.
I have been very blessed because I have an online community and we work through our pain together. It has helped me be open to others in new ways. It has given me a more egalitarian outlook and a humbler attitude about what I know and don't know... and I don't know nearly as much as I once thought I did. ;-D
The parish I attend has started a grief support and a depression support group. I think that is wonderful. There is almost no support groups for what I was going through so I am thankful I found online. I want to write a book to share my story to help others heal. I had 50 chapters of 180 chapter devotional completed when my computer crashed. I took it in stride, I'm sure a re-do will just be better because I've continued to grow as a compassionate woman.
p. 146 - Some suffering--that which leads to birthing--can be a blessing
I think all suffering leads to birthing. A few off the top of my head births that I have experienced: growth in interpersonal relationships, becoming less demanding, losing unrealistic expectations and still learning to get rid of expectations so I can experience healthier relationships, learning boundaries, learning the language of compassion, learning to listen more carefully, learning to listen to others pain without offering guidelines unless asked, learning there are safe people and unsafe people, learning to share the pain with one or two people instead of limelighting it, learning where I need to do more boundary work, learning to express my emotions, learning to have limited relationships with some people, learning to love people even when they cause pain, learning to trust God through the pain, learning to trust pain is a teacher, learning pain eventually reduces and stops if I learn the lesson it brings, learning humility because I know I didn't figure these on my own but through God and His children who walked with me in the pain, learning to be strong for myself during pain and to ask for help when I need it.
p. 147 - I must emphasize how important it is that we not glorify pain or cling to our pain or wallow in our pain. That is not letting pain be pain--that way lies letting pain be our boss.
I agree. I also know there are times of reprocessing the pain as I grow in other areas. I am not fearful of those times because I know I will learn and they will pass. It doesn't mean I didn't heal - it just means I am healing at a deeper level. I am currently having some pain because a court order issued 2-1/2 years ago was not followed and for my financial future, I have to write and file a contempt of court and do the court thing once again. It is causing me to reprocess a very difficult and painful time of my life.
But I know the One who has laid it on my heart to not let this continue to slide but to be proactive. I think it is a good time because I am more healed now and it should not cause too deep of damage. Unfortunately, I feel like a bully for doing this; yet I know it was because the other party did not obey the judge that it has come to this. I wish the court system kept a tracking system and when somebody did not follow the judge's decree, it would automatically be taken care of. Unfortunately, it is the other party who is responsible to assure the other side dots each i and crosses each t. This too shall pass and I will (not might) grow because of it and I will experience a new round of healing... which will give me more joy and peace.
Thursday, 7 March 2013
"Original Blessing" by Matthew Fox - Path 2, Step 11
Step 11: Emptying: Letting go of images and letting silence be silence.
p. 135 - For growth of the human person takes place in the dark. Under ground. In subterranean passages. There, where "no image has ever reached into the soul's foundation," God alone works. A light-oriented spirituality is superficial, surface-like, lacking as it does the deep, dark roots that nourish and surprise and ground the large tree.
I like that definition. The more I stay awake to living my life, the more I perceive the darkness and I realize it nourishes me and helps me grow. Darkness - the vitamins of a healthy life. Well, my life isn't 100% healthy but I am making strides. Recognizing the purpose of darkness takes away the fear of it.
p. 135 - The dark is "all that we are afraid of, all that we don't want to see--fear, anger, sex, grief, death, the unknown." The way of the unconscious mind or the "right brain" is the way of darkness. The depths of our being are not all sunlit; to see clearly, we must be willing to dive into the dark, inner abyss and acknowledge the creatures we may find there.
It makes sense the darkness would be right brain - where feelings, intuition and creativity exist. Entering the darkness lets me experience all of me... all of life; and I learn to trust God when I have no intellectual clue what is going on.
p. 135 - It is healthy to reflect on how in fact our lives are already bound in darkness without our having to perform any extraordinary manipulations.
Agreed. Manipulation of self or others is not only confusing, it makes it nigh impossible to recognize truth.
p. 135 - The womb was dark and not fearful.
I like that analogy; yet having carried two sons to term, I question if there was fear towards the end when they were cramped, uncomfortable and hugged very tight by periodic Braxton-Hicks. Yet, the image of being carried in the warm womb, is still a good analogy of finding inner peace - especially peace during the spiritual wildnerness of darkness.
p. 136 - Silence means the letting go of all images -- whether oral ones or auditory ones or visual ones or inner ones or cognitive ones or imaginative ones.
Contemplation is inner silence. Sometimes I find comfort in the hum of voices and machinery nearby - it reminds me my silence is part of something bigger and greater than me and the world. Voices and machinery don't stop just because I stop participating in the noise. Then I let go of the noise, or maybe I become once again as insignificant as the noise, and return to the peace of silence. To float in the womb of God's love - awaiting having new areas of my life being reborn to resemble Christ.
p. 137-138 - the human race cannot continue to afford to flee the darkness and to embrace an Enlightenment that does not include an Endarkenment.
The book was first published in 1983. I think the human race is dividing into those who are willing to look at the darkness, those who are unaware of darkness and those who intentionally shun the darkness. Yet, I think more people are becoming aware there is spirituality in darkness as well as light.
p. 135 - For growth of the human person takes place in the dark. Under ground. In subterranean passages. There, where "no image has ever reached into the soul's foundation," God alone works. A light-oriented spirituality is superficial, surface-like, lacking as it does the deep, dark roots that nourish and surprise and ground the large tree.
I like that definition. The more I stay awake to living my life, the more I perceive the darkness and I realize it nourishes me and helps me grow. Darkness - the vitamins of a healthy life. Well, my life isn't 100% healthy but I am making strides. Recognizing the purpose of darkness takes away the fear of it.
p. 135 - The dark is "all that we are afraid of, all that we don't want to see--fear, anger, sex, grief, death, the unknown." The way of the unconscious mind or the "right brain" is the way of darkness. The depths of our being are not all sunlit; to see clearly, we must be willing to dive into the dark, inner abyss and acknowledge the creatures we may find there.
It makes sense the darkness would be right brain - where feelings, intuition and creativity exist. Entering the darkness lets me experience all of me... all of life; and I learn to trust God when I have no intellectual clue what is going on.
p. 135 - It is healthy to reflect on how in fact our lives are already bound in darkness without our having to perform any extraordinary manipulations.
Agreed. Manipulation of self or others is not only confusing, it makes it nigh impossible to recognize truth.
p. 135 - The womb was dark and not fearful.
I like that analogy; yet having carried two sons to term, I question if there was fear towards the end when they were cramped, uncomfortable and hugged very tight by periodic Braxton-Hicks. Yet, the image of being carried in the warm womb, is still a good analogy of finding inner peace - especially peace during the spiritual wildnerness of darkness.
p. 136 - Silence means the letting go of all images -- whether oral ones or auditory ones or visual ones or inner ones or cognitive ones or imaginative ones.
Contemplation is inner silence. Sometimes I find comfort in the hum of voices and machinery nearby - it reminds me my silence is part of something bigger and greater than me and the world. Voices and machinery don't stop just because I stop participating in the noise. Then I let go of the noise, or maybe I become once again as insignificant as the noise, and return to the peace of silence. To float in the womb of God's love - awaiting having new areas of my life being reborn to resemble Christ.
p. 137-138 - the human race cannot continue to afford to flee the darkness and to embrace an Enlightenment that does not include an Endarkenment.
The book was first published in 1983. I think the human race is dividing into those who are willing to look at the darkness, those who are unaware of darkness and those who intentionally shun the darkness. Yet, I think more people are becoming aware there is spirituality in darkness as well as light.
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