Sex, Celibacy and Hebrew Words

Ezer Kenegdo.  Interesting Hebrew words that didn't mean anything to my English-as-my-only-language background.  In Genesis 2:18, God says, "I will make him an help meet for him."   Help meet.  Ezer Kenegdo.  Woman was created to be ezer kenegdo. A help meet for her husband. 

My English speaking, western world mindset related ezer kenegdo to being a floor mat to be walked on and used or abused by a man at the worst; or fetch and carrying his beverage or tool belt at the best and picking up his messes without complaining. That did not agree with being "the Beloved" as the Bible calls women in the Song of Songs.

I went to my Bible concordance and at first glance, reading the words didn't change that opinion of being a door mat to a partner.  But when I looked at how the word ezer was used in the Bible it is only used two ways.  A woman is ezer to her husband; and God is ezer to the people of Israel. Whoa!  There are about 20 times ezer is used for God-man relationships; they are used when without getting God's help, the man/men will be in major problems and possibly die - especially in the Psalms.  Times when enemies are on each side, backed into a corner and enemies with swords and spears aimed and ready to kill and the psalmist or man of God screams out in fear and terror for God to "ezer" him. It is a cry of desperation knowing God is the only way to make it through successfully. I am humbled by thinking the Bible would use that same word, ezer, for what God created a wife to be. 

I found 12 other words for "help" in the Hebrew Old Testament. Not one of them are used with God-man relationship or woman-man relationship.

From that I extrapolated in God's economy, woman must be much more important in a marriage then my westernized mind can begin to comprehend. I couldn't grasp how it fit together but it was intriguing and I wanted to figure it out. I wanted to understand the Jewish roots of my Christianity concerning the woman's role.

God, in his infinite wisdom and patience, brought two orthodox Jewish men into my life through the internet who were as comfortable with Torah and speaking Hebrew as they were with English. They started shining more light on ezer kenegdo. I was actually grasping it correctly only very dimly and I still don't fully grasp the magnitude of woman as ezer of man. Both men told me the same thing.  Women were very honored in the Bible and in their Jewish culture.  As Jews, they understood the holiness of marriage and family and the desire for that to be a life-long commitment and knew God had the methods to make his creation of marriage prosper and be fulfilling for both parties.

I found it interesting that both said the wife's home is the house; but the men's home is not the house but the woman. She is the home for him.  They both said that the center of Jewish worship is not the synagogue but the home. Woman is in charge of the house (and is her husband's home); thus, she is primary leader of worship in the home. The woman isn't required to go to synagogue or temple to say the daily prayers because God trusts her to find the time in her busy schedule to pray. Women aren't required to wear a prayer shawl to help them remember to behave in public like a God-honouring person because women more naturally assimilate that relational role with God.

Another surprise was if a Jewish woman marries a non-Jewish man, the children are considered Jewish because of their Jewish mother.  If a Jewish man marries a non-Jewish woman, the children are considered heathen because of their non-Jewish mother. Thus, Jewishness seems to be passed-on through the mother rather than the father.

Women, not men, received the blessing to light the candle that start the Sabbath - the day of rest and worship. In absence of a woman in the home, the man could fulfill that role. Women were chosen as a way God had to honour women for being faithful to God when the men gave their gold and jewels made the golden calf when Moses was receiving the 10 Commandments but the women later gave generously of their gold and jewels to build the tabernacle. I didn't find that in the English Bible, but in Hebrew it is apparently quite understandable or else it's part of Jewish tradition.  The New Moon festival, Rosh Chodash, was to honour women as the shekhinah (glory) of God. During this one or two day monthly festival, women did no sewing and little housework and spent their time in the company of other women; apparently as a bonding experience.

This concept of the high regard of women or women as leaders in the home, was reinforced when I watched the Jewish movie filmed in Hebrew in Jerusalem, "Ushpinzin."   The lead rabbi asked Moshe, the husband and Torah student, "How are things at home?"  Moshe answers, "Fine, thank God. The Lord has been very generous. No complaints. We've seen miracles."  The rabbi says. "Nice. How's your wife?"  Moshe answers, "My wife's fine."  The rabbi, "She happy?"  Moshe, "Sort of happy."  The rabbi stops and looks intently in Moshe's eyes and replies, "You should make her happy. Always remember that. Your wife comes first. She's the most important, it is your way or worshiping....   sit with her.  Talk with her.  Make her happy.  That's what matters. Go pray now."   The full movie is on youtube and I'd recommend it.

There were three Old Testament reasons a woman could divorce her husband: (a) he didn't provide her with food, (b) he didn't provide her with clothing and (c) he didn't supply her with adequate and pleasurable sex. That's in Ex 21.10 concerning female slaves; and if that was minimal for slave wives, then how much greater for a wife who was chosen?  Later abuse and some other reasons were added giving the wife the ability to divorce as found in the books that delineate the laws of the Torah.  In fact, both men I knew said they were taught that the woman was the sexual leader because of the Law of Onah states the husband must make sex pleasurable for his wife. Sex is considered a woman's need and a man's obligation. Whoa! Read that again:  Sex is considered a woman's need and a man's obligation.  From what the men said about Jewish life, sex is a right of a wife; but it is not a right of a husband. Double whoa! My western, Christian mind is still boggled by that!  Part of the reason the Jewish woman is in charge of sex is because of the Law of Niddah - her time of ceremonial uncleanliness (uncleanliness is not sin and the difference of uncleanliness and sin is an interesting Bible study especially when learning how their faith is practiced when unclean and the rules if they are in sin).  Yet, the wife is not required to ask for sex or take the initiative; the husband is suppose to pay attention and recognize when she is receptive and respond to that in a loving, honorable way.  Aaah, that means his religion requires him to pay attention to his wife; close enough attention that by her scent, her touch, her words, her posture that he will know when he is to lovingly approach her to fulfill his sexual obligation to her.

The Hebrew law was adamant on the man learning to be a pleasing husband. Deuteronomy 24:5 says, "A man who has recently been married will be free from military duty or any other public service. For one year he is free to stay at home and make his new wife happy."  And all the women said, "Amen!"  ."  I like it's the husband to make his wife happy and not the wife is to make her husband happy. I think God implemented this in his law because women innately want to please their husbands and God pointed that out in Genesis 3:16. Because of the fall, men have to learn how to please their wife. Women started learning the skill as toddlers who played dolls, had tea parties, toy ovens and wanted to have domestic skills because of their innate desire to be good partners before they could even put that desire into words.

During the approximately 2 weeks of Niddah, a couple was not allowed to sleep together or even touch. If she wanted to hand him a book - she had to place it on a table and him pick it up from there so they did not touch and he become ceremonial unclean and unable to fulfill his daily obligations at temple. During this time, I presume it would be like chaste dating where they got in touch of each others lives without the pressure of sex - and learned to express their desire for each other in words, flirting and other communication, but not by touching.  How hot the sex must have been after two weeks of no contact.  I think they'd have needed smoke alarms and fire extinguishers in the bedroom!

Having sex on Sabbath was considered a double mitzvah (a double blessing) and very sanctioned by God.  Well,  people didn't invent sexual pleasure - God created it as innate need of the human body and psyche.  I believe good sex helps partners bond but also helps us better understand the pleasure of loving God which bonds us to Him.  It's a win win - both a spiritual and physical growth opportunity. For me, a celibate, celibacy works the same way as sex - it brings me closer to God and helps me understand my own, unique sexuality and feminism.  I remember the day at church I couldn't stop singing the Rogers and Hammerstein song, "I enjoy being a girl...."  It was the first time I remember being fascinated, thrilled and acceptance of my feminine gender. It surprised me I didn't get to that place by the validation of a sexual partner; but through paying attention to my body, my sexuality and my Lord during my decade of celibacy.

The Jewish men went on to say that the woman leads in the home and the man leads in spiritual, community and his vocation; thus the husband when he is home is under her leadership.  She respects him and makes his life comfortable -- and what sane woman wouldn't want to honor her husband if he was paying attention to her and treating her as a valuable, unique, loved partner who was capable of autonomy?  If he was being a jerk and jeopardizing the marriage; what woman wouldn't want the comfort of knowing her religious community was backing her leadership and encouraging his following in the home?  In fact, Proverbs 31 is read in the Jewish marriage.

A Biblical example of the woman leading even contrary to the husband's wishes was Sarah in Genesis 21:10-12.  Sarah commands Abraham to kick Hagar and Ishmael out of the camp. Abraham did not laugh at her for making such a demand and say, "What, a wife telling me what to do with my concubine, how dare she, the bossy broad...."  No, Abraham went away by himself to talk to God about it.  God didn't say, "Aaah, poor Abraham, being married to a bossy shrew."  No, God told Abraham to obey his wife.  Shocker. In 1 Peter 3, we are told to act like Sarah. Yes, she showed him respect by calling him "Lord" or as the Message version says, "my dear husband" but she forcefully lead because she knew it was the right thing, the holy thing to do.

Although I haven't yet typed it up, I've also studied the New Testament writings about wives and husbands and after studying the Greek words and historical data - it agrees with the wife as lead - ezer kenegdo. This makes sense to me.  I like the way Gary Smalley said, "I found that women had a built-in marriage manual: They seem able to explain what makes up a good relationship and how to arrive at that kind of relationship."  He says men have a built in repair manual and excel at fixing things.  When the man will honour his wife's inner marriage manual and honour his skill to fix things - they will have a wonderful and fulfilling marriage. Both need to feel free to use those gifts appropriately and lovingly.

I do not believe women are superior to men; nor do I believe men are superior to women. I believe each has been designed as equal, holy, complete and beautiful before God. We just have different skills that are imperative to create a loving, long-term marriage and society.

Becoming Franciscan - People who Have Influenced Me

It may seem an odd topic for Easter, but I've been thinking about a topic my priest brought up at spiritual direction.  He asked if my reading of Richard Rohr is why I chose Franciscan.  I said I didn't think it did; that does not minimize the impact this wonderful author/speaker has had on my spiritual formation.

As I think of being a Franciscan, I think of finding God in nature, of loving all created things (and God created everything), of humbly being a guide on the side to those God sends alongside me (2 Cor 1.4). Maybe instead of guide on the side to view myself as a gardener who nurtures so the plants become healthy specimens of what they were created to be.  I think of being a peacemaker. I think of humility. I think of living in the now.  I think of simplicity. I think of poverty. I think of celibacy. I think of great passion for Jesus. I think of faith so great it is shown in empathy, compassion, simplicity, gentleness and kindness - of being fully in the now (or at least growing that skill-set and attitude). Not great exploits for God but continual love-giving in the small things... not only to others but towards self. I know obedience is part of a Franciscan's vows and I'm not sure how that works as a tertiary - but I like that idea. Just as I had a 12-step sponsor to "obey" as I learned to embrace sober thinking and greater sobriety; I can see obedience to the right hierarchy become instrumental in my spiritual formation. 

As mentioned above, I love the teaching of Franciscan Richard Rohr. As I view him, I see a scholar and teacher. I don't know a lot about the various orders, but I would see him more as a Jesuit or Dominican then a Franciscan. That probably shows my ignorance and possibly erroneous expectations; but it is a step to understanding and growth so I'm okay with being wrong; after all, accepting not-knowing is the first step to starting-to-know. Being a Kansas with a Germanic lineage, Rohr's practicality meshes nicely with my world view so I feel able to receive from him.  Plus, he hasn't said anything I haven't heard from the pulpit since becoming Anglican (well, except never heard my parish priest explain what to do with condensed milk).  Okay, that's some of my off-beat humour - it's Easter, I can shout Alleluia and enjoy some goofiness.

So, who's influenced me to "try on" the discipline of St. Francis to see if it will work for my spiritual growth? I'll mention them below while balancing that with anonymity for these people.

(1)  The movie, "Brother Son, Sister Moon" was a big impact.  Jesus said we have to be like little children to enter the kingdom. I loved the childlike faith, the trust, the exuberance, the non-traditional approach Francis had towards life and ministry. His humility lead those who followed.  I sense his thought life was not a heavy anchor holding him back; and I covet that freedom of using thoughts instead of thoughts using me.

(2)  A local Franciscan man's life has impacted me. He is a scholar and teacher. He is very giving and caring for the many children he sponsors in third-world countries and his caring goes far beyond just writing a check. Jesus washed feet; for a couple of years this man cooked, served and washed dishes at the parish I attend - and he's not even a member there. When I lived in Oklahoma, I had a woman pastor who had a teaching gift as strong as his; she was able to talk about how that gift often hindered her pastoral ministry, marriage and healthy friendships; understanding her struggles (thank God she could articulate them) has helped me view people with a strong teaching gift with more compassion then I'd normally have.

(3)  When I was pregnant with my first child, we spent Palm Sunday weekend at Catholic University in Washington DC. My children's father had been deeply impacted by a Capuchin (an offshoot of Franciscan) priest who had been his National Guard chaplain and who was completing his doctorate. Some of the things he believed didn't set right with me (like to honor his collar when he went to strip clubs he put a $20 in the dancer's G-string instead of the traditional $1) but as he gave us a tour of Mary Queen of the Universe cathedral and talked about life as a monk, I was intrigued. I realized he was deeper then a party animal. Hopefully the part that disgusted me became resolved for him as he matured and came to understand his vow of poverty and chastity. My second son was named after this Capuchin. I went to google where is he now teaching (was in the Vatican for a while) and discovered he has died. Thank God for the resurrection.

(4) One of the volunteer priests in my parish has a Franciscan bent. I watch as he cleans tables, washes dishes, cooks and serves. He goes through the trash for recycling and answers questions on being ecologically responsible. He's mentioned a hobby is camping so I extrapolate he finds God especially close in nature.

(5) The viruses who share this "earth suit" have had an impact on choosing the Franciscan way. I've mentioned that before in this blog, so won't rewrite it. But the 39,000,001 of us who share this flesh and blood body are trying to negotiate friendship and cooperation. My last quarter's blood tests are the best they have been in a while and the cancer markers fell 4 points. Sounds like a win-win to me. Thus, being ecologically responsible just meshes with Franciscan spirituality.

(6)  Like most of the Western world, I have had my eyes on Pope Francis. As I thought of the media blitz, it reminded me of Princess Diana's press coverage from her engagement forward. The press loved her so people loved her.  I pray Pope Francis can continue with the spark of hope his life is showing and that he's genuine and not a figment of the press's blitz. Even my Pentecostal and Salvation Army friends are watching and reading about this humble leader. It reminds me once again of why St. Paul tells us to pray for leaders. As a newby to understanding the various religious orders, I view Pope Francis more with his chosen name then with his chosen order. I've been impressed with his humility. I've been impressed with his willingness to step outside the box and act like Jesus - who stepped outside his religious perimeters to take liturgy from the temple to the river Jordan where he was baptized by John. St. Francis certainly stepped outside the box of traditional religion to practice his faith -- without Him, Christmas would be celebrated much differently.

(7) As far as I know, one of my most inspirational Franciscan spiritual mentors is not a Franciscan or even has taken tertiary orders; she was raised plain-clothed Quaker. What I've seen of this young woman's life embodies what I understand of Francis's teachings. This Kentuckiana woman is proactive in ministering to the poor, wounded and hurting. She is a charismatic, world-changing leader. She passes out dignity to others like a politician passing out handshakes. She is active in her local church and while employed there as church administrator (I think that was title) she introduced contemplation, prayer walks and new ways of cuddling closer to God.  She is very inclusive; very -- she flabbergasted me with her universal acceptance of people - just where they were. She leads but with gentleness and trusting God to work in each person in His timing. She is very present in her conversation, her writing, in her caring.  She has developed her art, her mind, her inner-life that shows in her love-walk. It was through her friendship online and later in person, that gave me an example of Christian growth and awakened the fire within to move in that direction.

(8) My dear friend on the other side of the island has been an inspiration to me. She has taught me acceptance; especially self-acceptance where I can laugh at myself. I imagine Francis with a big smile and enjoying life, camaraderie and taking time apart to enjoy solo time with Father God. She has taught me about vulnerability and boundaries and allowing God to be strong in me.

(9) My 12-step sponsor, is certainly not Franciscan but her life exhibits many of his qualities. As a single adult, she has adopted and fostered many special needs children and loved and parented them. She has buried several of the children. She talked about missing them; at other times, she would laugh that they must make quite a site when going to church or shopping: with three in wheelchairs and three needing special care to not get lost and wander away plus one "normal" child - who often caused more stress then her six special needs children. Even with her busy life, she made time for me for long daily e-mails. She knew I didn't have addictions because I had healthy coping strategies; but because I needed to see myself as God sees me. To do that, I had to learn God was not the mean deity of my childhood but a loving, involved, caring, cherishing Father.   She started me on the journey to both sobriety and recovery. She earned my trust to show me who I am and to realize at the core of me is God. The more I know me, the more I know God; the more I know God, the more I know me. Day after day for six years, she corresponded and listened to my petty problems and helped me learn to perceive them in a more eternal light. She could perceive who I was and gently guide me in that direction which catching all the tricks an addict uses to get back into their addiction - and firmly helping me be proactive in my own self-life so I could walk-out of the self-harming behaviours.  Eventually she knew it was time for her fledgling bird to be kicked out of the nest. I miss her, but I trust she used wisdom and God's guidance. She taught me to like and befriend myself.  She knew my warpedness was so deep that only the Holy Spirit could change me; she had me memorize passages and chapters of the Bible to replace those deep and erroneous perceptions. The cleansing of the holy Word washed away that wrong thinking and taught me Abba Yhwh (Daddy God).

(10) I can't forget my friend who daily and sometimes more then daily helped me during the first year I was single. She held my hand, wiped my tears, laughed with me, cried with me, encouraged me, inspired me.. but mostly she was there for me in a way that I needed at that time. Then God moved her to Ontario so I'd have to depend on Him and not on her. God is good.

(11) Last, but certainly not least, is my Benedictine priest, confessor and spiritual director; who has encouraged me to grow and expand in the practice of my faith; and who is very present during spiritual direction. He was also very encouraging when I discussed becoming Franciscan.

Thank you to those who have been lights along the path of my life; may God bless you. Typing those made me realize how very, very blessed I am. God has blessed me with many mentors to help with my Christian growth.

Easter blessings,

Debbie

The Tomb is Empty.... am I?

On this night of the beautiful Easter vigil liturgy, I felt so close to God.  I know He lives in me and in Him I live and move and have my being. Tonight I had a wonderful sense of my own rebirth -- that initially happened at 3:30 AM on Saturday, October 11, 1975, when I first experienced my awakening to knowing God; yet I often still have epiphanies, or mini-rebirths, or thin places that change and enliven me.

I had one tonight while progressing in the line to the Eucharistic feast.  The thought came,

"The Tomb is empty... am I?"  

I wrestled with that question as I stared at the dark stained glass window of Christ on the cross. I wondered if it is such an elementary question that everybody innately knows how to be empty so they can be filled with God and maybe I'm the only one who is confused about how to be empty.

I shut down the thought to participate as fully as possible in being thankful for Christ's shed blood, broken body and resurrection. The joy was overwhelming and I wanted to dance and twirl and throw my arms out and embrace all the wonderful life God has bestowed. Knowing I can twirl and dance before the Lord (or dance with the Lord) at home, I restrained my exuberance and approached this holy day with proper decorum exteriorly while my spirit was leaping inside me celebrating this marvelous, mystical holy day.  I couldn't stop the ear to ear grin or the lone tear of joy that escaped.

Back at my seat, I held my prayer cross and thought-talked to God.  Then I thought on the question once again.

"The tomb is empty.... am I?"

Jesus died for our sins and to show us how to live.
Romans 6 tells us when we were baptized that we died in Him so we can live in Him - can live His life, kingdom life, eternal life -- now.

Jesus rose; but no man or woman saw Him; they first saw the empty tomb.
The tomb is empty... am I?

When the tomb was empty, then Mary saw Him in the garden and mistook him for a humble, loving gardener.
When I am empty, then others will see the humble, loving Christ in me.

I want to be empty.

I don't know how to be empty.  I want to know.  I presume it's like most things: grace.

Thank God for grace.
Thank God for the empty tomb.
Thank God for answering prayers.
Thank God for faith - I believe He will direct me to deeper emptying.

The two scripture passages below spoke to me as I typed this blog entry. Yes, it is grace that empties my inner tomb of death and selfishness that would hold me back from a fuller life in Christ.

Galatians 2: 16-21

(The Message)

16    We know very well that we are not set right with God by rule-keeping but only through personal faith in Jesus Christ. How do we know? We tried it - and we had the best system of rules the world has ever seen! Convinced that no human being can please God by self-improvement, we believed in Jesus as the Messiah so that we might be set right before God by trusting in the Messiah, not by trying to be good.

17    Have some of you noticed that we are not yet perfect? (No great surprise, right?) And are you ready to make the accusation that since people like me, who go through Christ in order to get things right with God, aren't perfectly virtuous, Christ must therefore be an accessory to sin? The accusation is frivolous.

18    If I was "trying to be good," I would be rebuilding the same old barn that I tore down. I would be acting as a charlatan.

19    What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man.

20    Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

21    I am not going to go back on that. Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.

Galatians 5: 13-26

(The Message)

13    It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows.

14    For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom.

15    If you bite and ravage each other, watch out--in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then?

16    My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness.

17    For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day.

18    Why don't you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?

19    It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness;

20    trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits;

21    the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.

22    But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard--things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments,

23    not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way.

24    Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good--crucified.

25    Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives.

26    That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.

 

Spirituality of Buying a Home. Hum....

Six weeks ago, when I made an offer on a house, I asked for April 9 closing and they accepted my offer with the counter-offer to move closing to the last week of March. I was concerned it would cut into my Easter spiritual journey and take away the beauty of this season. It seems to have added to Easter for me. I'm spending less time then hoped for doing spiritual exercises; however, there's just something very spiritual in preparing the home - that symbolizes refuge and hospitality to me.

Jesus was allowing his home (earth suit) to be killed to allow us access to Father - and Jesus said he was going away to prepare a home for us.... and the Bible says it is in Him we live. He is my spiritual home. Yet, he was a carpenter and he has done so much repairing of the ravages of time and abuse - without needing to use his carpenter's hammer. Being able to do that to a building that will house me, has such a pleasant aroma of Jesus. So this may have not been my desired closing date - but it was apparently God's because He had some lessons to teach me.

I have been praying for a life more grounded in simplicity - back to basics. I'll need to get rid of about 1/3 of my stuff for the smaller space and that brings me joy - less to dust and care for and to be distracted by. With e-books, do I really need 1000 books on my shelves?  I'm looking forward to working with nature - and that is already in place and I just need to take over from the previous owner:  septic, well, compost paraphernalia, gardening equipment, lawnmower, beautiful English garden, bird houses, big deck. I am looking forward to sensing God in nature and working with the Earth in my little spot - and praying it helps me expand in new ways spiritually and intellectually. 

With the closing on Tuesday - which actually happened on Wednesday because of some glitches, this week had the propensity for intensity or maybe for insanity. I handled it okay... God's grace was sufficient and the only change I noticed was dreams that woke me and made it difficult to go back to sleep - so my days were tired but my responses to life happening still felt peaceful and maybe a little frustration but not unduly so. I think the Christian prayer disciplines of meditation and contemplation have been very helpful in helping me not respond with drama-mama angst. But I also know that this is a big life event change - taking on a mortgage and home care solo.

I occasionally lay down and take a 20 minute cat nap that refreshes me for the rest of the day. Last night I attended the prayer vigil of Maundy Thursday, drove a friend home after so didn't get to bed until almost 3am. I decided to take a cat nap.  I awoke 6 hours later - I missed Good Friday mass. I did not beat myself up about it but was able to laugh at the timeliness - since the disciples did the same in the Garden of Gethsemane when Jesus asked them to stay awake.   What a wonderful glimpse of reality, of recognizing my own human-ness - of seeing my story match the Bible story.

I have tried for about 8 years to take a weekly "day of rest" (sometimes successful and sometimes not).  Today volunteered itself for that special day. To stay in that spiritual restful place and because I have been blessed watching Pope Francis over the past week; therefore, I plan to watch the movie, "We have a Pope" on youtube this evening. I can remember in the movie the pope running away and I imagine he returned with more humility and being in touch with people more; as I don't recall the ending. I sense that about Pope Francis. If so, I wonder how he grew that level of common sense and humility. I'm sure it was from our Lord.  A learned Jesuit with a Franciscan heart. How blessed the Roman Catholic communion is for having him as an earthly leader.

Answer to: "So tell me what is Franciscan?"

The first friend I remember having as a child is Janeen. I introduced her to her husband of ... 44 years married!!!! Wow. How time flies. I remember the BRC, Girl Scouts, twirling, playing dolls, your horse, riding bicycles, unscrewing the odometer so Mom wouldn't punish me, playing circus with inner tubes under the dresses we borrowed from our mothers, and your wedding and later babysitting your beautiful little boy. I loved you parents – they were both so kind, fun and involved – and very much in love with each other and it showed.

After writing yesterday's blog entry, Janeen asked me “So tell me what is Franciscan?” Great question. What does becoming Franciscan mean to me. That is a great question as I take my first steps into this new adventure. Thank you for the great question, Janeen.

I'm still learning about St. Francis. He lived in the 12^th century. The movie “Brother Sun, Sister Moon” is about his life. Like many religious orders I've read about, it includes a vow of poverty, chastity and obedience; and I'm sure for married Franciscans the chastity has a different definition but includes enjoying the marital sexual union in a way that honors the partner and God. I was drawn to this order because of the focus on ecology, contemplation and sensing the closeness of God in nature. The area where I may need to grow is in becoming more active on behalf of those who can not stand up for themselves; or maybe my lay ministry will count as being active. I found it interesting the new Roman Catholic Pope was Jesuit but chose Francis as his Pope name because he likes the Franciscan way. Very interesting and I pray he can lead like Jesus and like the ministry of Francis.

This is a new experience for me, so I have a lot to learn about religious orders and especially being Franciscan; so what I say may be incorrect; but it is my early thoughts on what it means to me and how I am interpreting being Franciscan. I also know this understanding will grow and expand through my 3 year training.

I have been blessed the past few years to have a spiritual director; for those who haven't heard that term (like I hadn't 5 years ago) possibly the term spiritual counsellor explains it, too. I periodically talk to my pastor/priest about where I feel lead to go in my Christian walk, where I am struggling and he gives feedback and suggestions to help me; he asks questions to help me clarify my thoughts about the spiritual direction of my life and even guidance on practical things in life that are hindering me spiritually. It's very holy and holistic. On rare times he gives correction or asks questions to help me see myself better so I self-correct with God help. His willingness to walk beside me in my faith journey, and in becoming Franciscan, is important because his ministry will help me grow spiritually. We call it spiritual formation; I think of it as a periodic spiritual health physical; and as a way to become more formed in the image of Christ. (Rom 8.29)

One of the initial steps is creating my “Rule of Life” that will become the foundation for future growth. This Rule has several requirements set by the order and some that are developed between my spiritual director and I as I tweak my obligations to fit my work, church and social life.

EUCHARIST: For me, taking Communion, at least weekly, is imperative and a form of prayer that not only feeds me spiritually and helps me grow; but helps me recognize the unity of all believers and helps me feel connected to them.

PENITENCE: To daily examine my life – not as a way to beat myself up for my mistakes, but to evaluate the areas where I need growth and work on them as God leads. A component of this is forgiving others and repenting and forgiving myself. I find annual confession helpful – I know God has already forgiven me, but talking to my confessor gives me an incentive to keep growing even when it's hard. It also feels very cleansing to hear someone I respect hear my worst thoughts, behavior and actions and reaffirm God has forgiven me and to continue to treat me with love, respect and dignity. He doesn't validate the sin or what lead me into sin; but validates me as a beloved daughter of God.

PERSONAL PRAYER: I am slowly adding part of the Divine Office (Daily Office or Liturgy of the Hours) into my prayer life. I'm moving at a slow and comfortable rate. I like this method of prayer as when I pray these set prayers, I realize thousands or possibly millions of Christians around the world are praying the same prayers throughout the day and it helps me realize “church” is more then my local body or the people I feel affinity with who are in my local body of believers. It also reminds me that through the centuries that Christians have said these same set prayers and it helps me realize that the “church” is more than just the currently alive and walking on earth body, or the people of my denomination; but the sisters and brothers who are in Heaven and those who are yet unborn but called to Him. Since Jesus and the early Christians had set times of prayer through the Jewish faith, I feel united with Christ as I pray at set times. I still have personal prayer of fellowship with God and intercessory prayer for those God lays on my heart. Francis was a Christian mystic and I enjoy Christian meditation and contemplation and find it expands my faith. As I grow into more of the various prayer times, it seems it would be a bit more difficult to fall into sin when I am in the habit of stopping life to get away with God every few hours. I'm not sure how many of the prayers my Rule of Life will include, but that will be a discovery. When I first started these prayers, I was curious if they would become monotonous and rote; that hasn't happened (except occasionally); but usually the prayers grow in depth and get down deep in my heart and change me – which often changes my perception of the personal requests I bring to God.

SELF-DENIAL: This is a way to grow spiritually by telling myself no; and also by saying yes to others. Spiritual direction is helpful in this area because my spiritual director can give feedback and as an experienced director, can see traps ahead and help me guard myself from mistakes. Another part of this is accepting feedback for areas of growth.

RETREATS: Often the retreats are silent retreats. I've attended several and found them very beneficial. Since I live alone, I wasn't certain how I'd manage a silent retreat – to be surrounded by people and keeping mum. I found I loved the companionship of quiet. I found it comfortable and bonding. It has helped me find God in the quiet places of my life... or maybe by becoming aware of God in the quiet places of my life has helped me find God in a community of quiet or even times of noise. Since I sense the presence of God in nature – along the coast, in the mountains, in the breeze and taste of salt air; I feel positive that some quiet retreats will be day trips or half day trips on the trails – with maybe some encouragement and friendliness shared with others on the remote trails in my beautiful Newfoundland. I may not be talking to God, but I will be sensing Him and that awareness of God will follow me back to the bustle of life and work. I also find God when driving on the freeway and when I lived in Tulsa, I`d often put the top down on my Miata and drive the almost deserted freeway downtown in the cool of a hot summer`s night and pulled into the driveway feeling braced and embraced; I doubt if that will become part of my Rule of Life... ;-)

STUDY: My father taught us girls the joy of learning and I've carried that through my life. I am very grateful for that. I have about 40 linear feet of books (mostly Christian) in my bookshelves. I have given away hundreds of books. Now I have the internet and a Kindle. I love to learn – not just from books but from others and from life. As I start to learn about Francis and religious orders, I find the whole process of learning this new topic delightful; yet it's more then the thrill of learning, because I can see how practical this learning can be used in my daily life. This will be an enjoyable aspect of becoming Franciscan and I am willing to have my spiritual director to assist or require specific reading to help me grow.

SIMPLICITY OF LIVING: Even though I live modestly, there are many ways my life becomes devoid of simplicity. Many of those are in my thought life: my home is relatively neat and organized but my inner life, my thought life and my emotional life, is often chaotic and cluttered. One thing mentioned in my reading is a hindrance to simplicity is spending time trying to meet “belonging” needs. Over the past few years I have come to acceptance on being single; however, since the New Year, I have found deep contentment in being solo. Not sure if that is for the rest of my life or for a period of time; but I being single sets well with my soul so it is no issue whichever. Life seems much more serene and simple with letting go of my need for belonging and realizing I belong to God and am blessed to have several good friends who will be there for me and they are women I love and trust and they love and trust me. I've also found being solo in a married world makes it even more of a miracle to have a few married-couple friends. Yet, I also know if any of these people would move away or walk away that I would grieve the loss, but I wouldn't loose the sense of who I am. Their loss would hurt on many levels; but it wouldn't wound my sense of self. Yet, I am sure I will discover many other areas where I can grow in Simplicity. Not sure how simplicity and humility fit together, but I think they are cousins.

WORK: It seems Franciscans have a broad definition of work for Tertiary (Third Order) Franciscans. Third order are those who do not join a monastic order but live in the outside world independently and/or in families; work at jobs and serve God including their Franciscan Rule of Life. Work for Third Order Franciscans includes what we do to earn money, but also what we do to be Christ's hands extended in our family, church, community, country and world. This is an area where I think being a Franciscan will help me grow. So often there are things I want to do as a lay person to show Christ's love and I procrastinate or let it fall through the cracks and it doesn't materialize. I think this will give me the accountability I need to achieve what I haven't been able to self-motivate to do. That will mean people who help me on this journey will be Christ's hands extended to me to help me become rooted in this discipline. In time, hopefully God will use me to help others.

OBEDIENCE: This will include meeting the above obligations and a few others that I will accept when/if I become Franciscan.

Three topicss seemed to recur: Accountability, Outreach and Humility.

Accountability: Being single and living far from family, I know I need the church community to help me not become self focused but keep expanding my life for a more spacious-in-God life.

Outreach: This touches on both Accountability and Motivation to follow through on desires and goals that I felt were planted by God.

Humility: Maybe Surrender is a more accurate word. I know God is enough; however, I have come to recognize that I need the feedback of others to help me stay on the path towards God. Not people who will run my life; but people who care enough about me to be open to observing me and giving valid and valued feedback – even when it may make me cry. The reason I feel this is humility and/or surrender is because I could go the rest of my life thinking I can hear accurately from God and possibly shipwreck my life (been there done that – learned some lessons) (Proverbs 15:22 and more).

Franciscans come in various denominations. I use to think of their order as strictly Roman Catholic (and concrete statues of Francis in the garden with a bird on his finger); but have discovered many denominations have Franciscans. The Catholic/Orthodox tradition: Roman, Greek, Russian, England, etc; but also in other denominations. Although it's not the Missouri Synod, Janeen, there are Lutheran Franciscans: http://lutheranfranciscans.org/Home.html

The first book I read on Francis is "Chasing Francis" and is a novel, not about his life but how practical the Franciscan lifestyle is to today's culture. It's worth a read for any who like to read or would want to read about St. Francis. 

Great question, thank you for having me put my thinking cap on.

God bless you, Janeen, and thank you once again for the great questions.

Update on My Path

Today I went to spiritual direction and confession. I talked to my Benedictine rector who was very understanding of my desire to become Franciscan. I have e-mailed for the application. I feel very excited yet a but nervous about this big step.  Yes, I realize excitement and nervousness are very similar in the physical manifestations they create. I will say it is mostly excitement as that sets in a more peaceful place emotionally.

I sense no reason to be nervous about this new journey. Nervousness seems to imply that this journey becomes a goal rather than a path of adventure. I can see various outcomes:  (a) I find I love the blessings of being Franciscan and it becomes a major part of my practice of Christianity.  (b) I find it helpful in spiritual formation but decide it's not for me; in which case I will have the good lessons learned by the exercise and can step away guilt-free. (c) I discover Third Order life is not for me. I am growing to the place where I will not beat myself up no matter what the outcome but will do my best to listen to God and follow Him. Becoming Franciscan is not a goal for me, it is a potential method to help reach my goal of loving God more and because of that love, being able to love people more.

Instead of finishing the Matthew Fox book, I will follow the directions of my spiritual director. These are my two of my three recommended readings that I will probably journal about here:

Conferences of John Cassiun
Sayings of the Desert Fathers

The day it became available online, I signed up to take Richard Rohr's online class "Beyond the Bird Bath:  Richard Rohr Teaches the Courageous Heart of the Franciscan Way."  It starts April 17 and I am looking forward to it. Hopefully I will have moved into the home I am in the process of purchasing about the time the class starts.  New journey into Franciscianism, New home, New freedom in Christ.


Today at spiritual reading group, the leader had us sit quietly while God gazed at us; later she had us sit quietly to gaze at God. It was only a few years ago and I would have felt shame, guilt and dirty/sinful to have participated in God gazing at me.  Yet, today I could feel the sunshine of God's love pouring into me like a sweet and warm honey. I love sitting quietly and letting God gaze at me; and sitting quiet and gazing at God. It was through the inner quiet of contemplation that I came to befriend the God I have studied in the Bible for decades. The God I meet in contemplation much more resembles the God my Saviour Jesus emulated and taught: the God of love and dignity rather then a God of reward and punishment based on rule-keeping.

I am concerned the next will sound vain; however, it is not coming from that egocentric space, but from great humility, reverence and incredible awe.  The more I know God, the more I know me; the more I know me, the more I know God.  That makes Biblical sense as John 14:20 and many other verses explain God in me and me in God. It is a wonderful concept that gives me... the fruit of the spirit... the joy, the happiness, the ability to be kind when part of me wants to be rude. Paul tells us that we are dead and the life we now live is Christ. Knowing this truth is why I can sit and openly let God gaze at me without feeling shame, inadequate or fear.

I am soooo blessed by my loving Father.

Debbie

Reading: "Original Blessing" by Matthew Fox - Path 2, Step 12

Step 12:  Being Emptied:  Letting Pain be pain:  Kenosis

p. 141 - When Christ was in pain, we were in pain. All creatures of God's creation that can suffer pain suffered with him. The sky and the earth failed at the time of Christ's dying because he too was part of nature. - Julian of Norwich.

 I like what Julian of Norwich says.  What an enlightened woman. I can see why she is under consideration sainthood and to become a doctor of the church.  I find it interesting that Roman Catholic women can't become priests, yet four women are now Doctors of the Church.

p. 141 - It would seem that our culture is not well adapted to deal with pain. Pain is today's unmentionable reality, much as sex was unmentionable in the Victorian period.  And pain is everywhere--deep, ineffable, unfathomable, cosmic pain. And it needs to be named for what it is so that we can pray our pain, i.e. enter into it. 

 I like what the author says. It's so easy to ignore or minimize pain to not have to sit with it (or pray our pain as the author says).  I wish the Bible gave more concrete examples of how Jesus prayed his pain. He wept when Lazaruth died and he sweat tears of blood in Gethsemane - but the Bible says so minimal about Christ's inward journey that it is easy to think of it as a "doing" journey and not a "being" journey. That mindset pulls me into right/wrong, black/white, good/bad mindset that isn't healthy or productive.

p. 142 - Love your enemies.  Pain is our enemy, but that is no excuse to run from embracing it, kissing it long enough so that we might truly let go of it. There is no way to let go of pain without first embracing it and loving it--not as pain but as a sister and brother in our dialectical living of both pleasure and pain.  Eros does not come without a price. 

 I understand the author's thoughts on embracing something so we can let it go.

I have been thinking of ways to embrace my pain in a particular relationship mentioned yesterday, so I can let it go. Sitting there and listening I can sometimes use a meditative style of letting it go overhead and not grabbing it but releasing it as soon as it hits; my concern is that I'll let everything this person says float overhead and not be able to participate or hear even healthy communication.

Other times, it sneaks in and pierces me in the old wounds and the skin next to the tough scars is torn and causes new woundedness.

The only options I see today are (1) running from the pain; (2) hiding from the pain; (3) being a martyr to the pain; (4) partially protecting myself so the pain isn't constant but intermittent as I can handle it.

An online friend suggested spiritual direction to help me evaluate options, find new options and work through this fiendish situation.

p. 142 - First comes the embrace, the allowing of pain to be pain; next comes the journey with the pain; then the letting go, but in a deliberate manner, into a fire, into a cauldron where the pain's energy will serve us. And finally comes the benefit we do indeed derive from having burned this fuel. Pain is meant to give us energy. 

I found this interesting, especially the timing. A friend from across the pond and I made paper rulers and burned them at 12:30 GMT. These were symbolic of the times we have measured ourselves unfairly and unjustly, the times we've felt measured inaccurately. For me, it's a putting away of self-condemnation and taking up new self-gentleness.  It's embracing that pain and letting it go.


p. 143 - pain helps us to understand other people in pain. Pain is profoundly social, it is eminently shareable, and it is no coincidence that the privatizing of pain, the covering up of pain in our culture, parallels the privatizing of body and pleasure and spirituality in our culture and religions. A healthy experience of letting pain be pain is always a schooling in compassion. For when a person has suffered deeply even once and has owned that suffering, that person can never forget and never fail to recognize the pain of others. Pain is the most legitimate school for compassion that I know of. 

I can relate with that. The times of immense pain; are the times when my ability to recognize and speak compassion soared. I've even eventually found compassion for the ones who caused me pain.  Many times I've found ways to stay in a limited relationship with those who continue to cause me pain and I am rewarded because of that... not only for my self-protective boundaries but by the limited friendship I can embrace. 

p. 143 - pain helps us to understand pleasure and to criticize it. ... allowing us to experience how the true pleasures in our lives are of the simplest, most shareable kind. 

I understand and agree with that.  Pain slows us down inside so we can experience those simple pleasure and often share them with others. 


p. 144 - pain enlivens us and gives us energies that embarking on pain and making that journey toughens us up. 

There are times I worry that if I get any tougher that I'll be impenetrable like shoe leather. How do you toughen up and keep a heart of compassion?

The two ideas of toughening and of growing in compassion seem at odds to me at this time in my journey. 

p. 145 - men who discover their gentle sides in our culture is, that too often these men mistake gentleness for passivity and weakness.  Sensitivity, which includes sensitivity to pain, also demands strength. A new kind of strength, it is true; the strength of endurance and perseverance; the strength that solitude requires; the strength that vulnerability is about. This strength does not come from willing it or gritting our teeth. It comes from undergoing pain--unwished-for, unplanned, unhearalded pain. There is a strength learned from suffering that cannot be learned any other way. For suffering tests the depth of our love of life and relationship even when and especially because relationships are so often the cause of our suffering. 

Gender Bias Alert:  I think women are better equipped to embrace pain. We're the ones who go through pms, cramps, pain of first intercourse, labour, delivery, hot flashes, etc. The physical pain associated with being female helps us develop compassion. Then there is the emotional pain of being female: the glass ceiling and the "good-ol'-boys" club at work, the wolf whistles and cat calls that objectify us, rape, abuse, etc. Although I had sons, I'm sure there is pain of seeing our female offspring suffer through the same problems of being female in a male dominate society.

Even with all that, I am grateful to be female. I am grateful to have felt the monthly life and death forces within me - the dying ovum and the pain of my body and emotions for not having conceived and the pain of cramps; or the pain of having conceived to bring forth a child. The emotional, hormonal and physical pain of menopause when our bodies lose their ability to re-create - an issue men never face since they stay fertile as long as they live.  I can't imagine living in a body that had not experienced those life and death forces. The bonding those experiences have with other women and gay friends who empathize.


p. 145 - suffering is the manner in which letting pain be pain links us with others.  All social movements and organization were born of pain. Not privatized pain or pain kept to oneself or the wallowing in one's own pain, but pain shared. 

I have been very blessed because I have an online community and we work through our pain together. It has helped me be open to others in new ways. It has given me a more egalitarian outlook and a humbler attitude about what I know and don't know... and I don't know nearly as much as I once thought I did. ;-D

The parish I attend has started a grief support and a depression support group. I think that is wonderful.  There is almost no support groups for what I was going through so I am thankful I found online. I want to write a book to share my story to help others heal. I had 50 chapters of 180 chapter devotional completed when my computer crashed. I took it in stride, I'm sure a re-do will just be better because I've continued to grow as a compassionate woman.

p. 146 - Some suffering--that which leads to birthing--can be a blessing

I think all suffering leads to birthing. A few off the top of my head births that I have experienced: growth in interpersonal relationships, becoming less demanding, losing unrealistic expectations and still learning to get rid of expectations so I can experience healthier relationships, learning boundaries, learning the language of compassion, learning to listen more carefully, learning to listen to others pain without offering guidelines unless asked, learning there are safe people and unsafe people, learning to share the pain with one or two people instead of limelighting it, learning where I need to do more boundary work, learning to express my emotions, learning to have limited relationships with some people, learning to love people even when they cause pain, learning to trust God through the pain, learning to trust pain is a teacher, learning pain eventually reduces and stops if I learn the lesson it brings, learning humility because I know I didn't figure these on my own but through God and His children who walked with me in the pain, learning to be strong for myself during pain and to ask for help when I need it.  

p. 147 - I must emphasize how important it is that we not glorify pain or cling to our pain or wallow in our pain. That is not letting pain be pain--that way lies letting pain be our boss. 

I agree. I also know there are times of reprocessing the pain as I grow in other areas. I am not fearful of those times because I know I will learn and they will pass. It doesn't mean I didn't heal - it just means I am healing at a deeper level.  I am currently having some pain because a court order issued 2-1/2 years ago was not followed and for my financial future, I have to write and file a contempt of court and do the court thing once again. It is causing me to reprocess a very difficult and painful time of my life.

But I know the One who has laid it on my heart to not let this continue to slide but to be proactive. I think it is a good time because I am more healed now and it should not cause too deep of damage. Unfortunately, I feel like a bully for doing this; yet I know it was because the other party did not obey the judge that it has come to this.  I wish the court system kept a tracking system and when somebody did not follow the judge's decree, it would automatically be taken care of.  Unfortunately, it is the other party who is responsible to assure the other side dots each i and crosses each t.  This too shall pass and I will (not might) grow because of it and I will experience a new round of healing... which will give me more joy and peace.