Contentment

It's been a while since I've posted in my blog. It's been a while since I've been on facebook, too. Maybe I graduated to another grade in the school of life where I can enjoy a few minutes on facebook and feel I do not have to spend an hour or more. Whatever it is, I love this new time of life. I love life's freedom. I love life.

I'll start off-topic and then get on topic.  In this blog, I've often talked that I currently don't fear death - and my priest has assured me that is wonderful but when that future time gets near and I'm staring it in the face that I may have fear; he said if I do to not hide it from my supportive friends but talk about it. No stoic stuff trying to keep that mindset. Good advice (like usual).

The first week of December I was in the hospital, I didn't have the energy to even think - just breathing and holding my clinging cross and stuffed moose was all the energy I had. Most of that week and the following two weeks was like extended contemplation. It was wonderful and worth the "tuition" of illness to have gone through it.  God was more real to me then I am to myself. It was a wonderful experience. It still lingers at times and I feel very blessed to have not only the joy and peace that I've been given for several years, but now I also sense a growing contentedness - not based on exterior happenings but inner movements.

1 Timothy 6:6 says:

(KJV)  But godliness with contentment is great gain.

(NLT)  Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.

(MSG)  A devout life does bring wealth, but it's the rich simplicity of being yourself before God.

I was often puzzled by these verses because it seems like another thing to add to my check list that God expects me to do. I'm grateful I'm letting go of that mind set but I think of these things now as hope and a "warning" that God is working to achieve these things while I get a front row seat as He works it in me.

Yet, I didn't do anything to achieve this new phenomenon of contentment. It doesn't seem I have any control over it staying or going; nor does that cause me to feel vulnerable.  While I was flat on my back God gave me contentedness - I didn't see God coming but I sure know He was there by the beautiful gift of contentment.

The day before I was released from the hospital, another doctor used sonogram to know where to put the needle in my back to remove the fluid from my lung. He removed 1,500 ml (6.3 cups). When I got home the next day, I discovered I was 28 pounds lighter - that was a lot of fluid. Tests since then have shown all but two tiny cysts have disappeared, other tests are moving towards normal and I'm slowly regaining my energy.

I stand amazed at the way God continues to move in my life. I'm grateful God has me going through life's little inconveniences and annoyances and He rewards that by giving me His wonderful, eternal heavenly antidote. 

I am taking daily diuretics as a preventative of this happening again and that seems to work well. I am also receiving daily heavenly meds of greater joy, peace and contentment. I trust myself to take my daily pill meds. I trust Him to bring me my daily heavenly meds. He's growing me up!I'm so grateful to be His child.

Reality and Death.

Several times as Mom was in her last week of life, I'd say to those who were trying to encourage her to accept our reality, "Let Mom have her own reality."  She was partly in our reality, partly in her past and partly in her future. It was a lovely experience to watch her move effortless between the three as she did the "work" of binding and loosening in preparation of her transition. She'd be talking to us, then change and parent like we were preschoolers; then she'd be talking to relatives and loved ones who had already passed. This last one often brought joy to her face, light to her eyes and her skin and countenance looked 20 years younger... the wrinkles would almost go and she'd get a rosy glow to her normally pale cheeks.  Watching the switch was endearing, tender, interesting, and at times confusing - and it pulled on many emotions. Yes, it was strange to try to connect with someone who was reaching for connection who was not in the same reality -- but how often am I in the same reality as others I'm trying to communicate with?  Seeing my own reality and not recognizing they are in theirs.  With Mom dying the difference of reality was more pronounced so I noticed it more because of the widening gap of our different realities.

We were created for eternal life. The Christian tradition teaches the fall in the Garden of Eden hindered eternal life and required us to die to go to the other side. Yet, we are already eternal beings, it's just these "earth suits" and their associated paraphernalia (like ego) that hinder us from consistently remembering we're already eternal. Could that be part of the dualistic mind thinking here and there are disconnected?  Would the non-dualistic mind see here and there as the same place that we can spiritually transcend?  Those are weighty questions and not on topic. 

Thus, it seems logical that the reality of the other side is more real then the reality on this side. I am blessed that my parents did not train me to fear death - but to accept it was a normal part of life. That helps me be free to think about death without aversion or fear - and, at times, even with humour and joy. I wonder if I was able to train my children with that same fearlessness and acceptance?  I hope so - it is a wonderful gift.

I'm writing in circles again.  The point of this blog post was to place some new thoughts - or old thoughts in new references - about death so I can look at them.

If I was created to be an eternal being, and through Adam I fell and landed in an earth suit with a life-span of 100 years or less, then isn't eternity more real then this short time in my earth suit (body)?

When somebody dies, we talk about them dying, we grieve their loss, etc.  What if we've gotten it backwards?  We're the ones who are still living in the body of death - they are living in eternal life where the Bible promises God will wipe away their tears and there will be no more sorrow or pain. I'm not diminishing the pain of us who are left behind and our lives have changed so drastically because of the loss - it's real and at times tangible; but it is temporary since we have a life-span before we rejoin our loved ones, friends and strangers.

I've mentioned in this blog, that 7-1/2 hours after Mom died, I realized as I took communion that through the Eucharistic feast that she was now more a part of me then she had been when we were both in earth suits. In her eternal state, she has shed her ego and can be there for me in a way that is humanly impossible if she was bound up in a physical body and the associated stuff that goes with that.  Yeah, I'm still stuck in this earth suit; I'm still egocentric and trying to shed that me-ism for Christ-likeness. But I won't achieve that in fullness until I'm on the other side. Until I reach the other side, I can sense my loved ones presence in the Eucharist and "chew the cud" of that blessing throughout the week: Christ in me; Christ in them; all of in Him. We're so much closer to each other now then we were while wearing these skin-suits with clothes and hang-ups that are associated with living in this fallen, egocentric world.

My prayer is that I learn to live more unitive - more of Christ in me and me in Him as I recognize that since Christ is all in all, then I am closer to others then my gray & white-mattered brain can fathom.

Mental Meanderings on Cheribum and other Types and Shadows

A question I've had for about 10-12 years is "How was Jesus's inner spiritual life?"  What did He do, what did He read, what was He taught, what was spiritual life of his mentors be like? How did a Jew of year 0032 practice His faith? How was it at His time so I can understand how His faith changed the world?  It slowly and meanderingly has compelled my search for knowing Jesus better.  It is my walk and I am not encouraging anybody to follow it or even agree with it - it's just my story and hopefully putting it down will help me be more open to hearing others' stories of how their spiritual growth moves throughout stages of their lives. This first paragraph was the last one written; had I written it first, it might have given me a better diagram to what I wrote so it wouldn't be so helter-skelter.  I find I often write down the particulars (sometimes tiny particles) and that helps me discover the summary.  Rather then rewrite, I'll just leave the disjointed thoughts below.

I have been reading and watching videos on Christian Kabbalah and the Zohar which is apparently a sort of commentary of the Torah (Jewish scriptures or Christian Old Testament).  It is certainly giving me a lot to sort through and think about.

Right now I'm at the grocery store level - I feel like I'm pushing a cart around a new store that is full of marvelous packages of goodies I don't recognize and some I do know but with different packaging, and I get to toss as many or as few of them into my cart to take home and experience or leave on my pantry shelf. I am figuring out whatever I think will be helpful to know God better and to be in a position to best connect to Him and toss it in my cart to sort through. It's like Christmas morning in my heart!

I come from a fundamentalist background where it seems many books had titles of steps:  4 steps to holiness, 6 steps to prosperity, 8 steps to knowing God.... currently it feels a little odd to be looking at a 10 step to enlightenment. Then I thought of a ferris wheel - there's no "right" seat to take for the ride - just get on and enjoy it. So I'm jumping on for short spins and enjoying it and getting off and enjoying the thrill of where I've been and basking in the new knowledge and attempting to see how it can be put into practice in my boring little life. It seems with each spin - I come back feeling more in love with Jesus and more in love or at least more accepting of people.  Having come from a steps to achievement background, the thought of the Tree of Life of Kabbalah is a bit uncomfortable - maybe fearful it is another 10 steps of hard work to miniscule development.  In case anybody reads here the 10 steps called Sefirot are the attributes or emanations of God or how He reveals Himself to humans. If I know how God may reveal Himself, then it might be easier to not be startled if it happens but to remain open to receiving.

When I was married to the children's dad, we would laugh that when he opened his Bible, it was to Revelations and to study it based on US military weaponry and tactics and current events - my old Thompson Chain Reference KJV Bible I used back then has so many markings, I can hardly read the texts in the first few chapters of Genesis.  I would often open to Genesis to try to figure out why we were here and how it all happened. There was probably about 6 consecutive years we read through the full Bible as a family after supper. I am glad my children had that training - not only in Bible reading but in consistency of spiritual disciplines... even if it was often done in legalism and not in joy. 

I said that to point out that Genesis has always held a fascination for me. I feel it is starting to make sense and to be helpful in spiritual formation or Christian growth.

Back to the cherubs. According to one teacher (I've been listening and reading so many, I don't recall which one), said cherubs were baby angels and that was apparent in the Hebrew word. Of course, visions of Renaissance paintings of chubby, naked, dimply knee-ed babies with blonde curls and gossamer wings popped into my mind's eye.  Since Genesis was a Jewish book before it became a Christian book, I quickly switched the blonde cherubs to curly, black-haired, olive-skinned babies with wings - their happy, trustful and open facial expressions remained similar.

I got out my concordance and realized cherubs are mentioned three times.

(1) God put them to guard the Tree of Life in the Garden of Eden. I thought of Jesus teachings to come to Him as a little child - so to get back to the Tree of Life, the kiddie cherubs are a reminder of what I am becoming - childlike.  Yet, I bring my ego-driven self to the Tree where God chips them off and molds me into the image of His Son, my Saviour.

(2) He used gold cherubs to sit on the Ark of the Covenant that sat in the Holy of Holies and held the 10-commandments, Aaron's rod that bloomed, a jar of Mannah and the first scroll Moses wrote. I just realized there are types of shadows of Christ all over those items. Wow! There were also what I consider echoes of the cherubs designed into the curtains of the Tabernacle and the gold-covered walls of the Temple.

(3) Ezekiel's theophany.

For the past couple of years, I have been questioning the difference of dualism vs. peace or unity with God and trying to life in more peace and unity.  When I'm in a dualistic mindset, I am judging and evaluating everything. I don't need to judge, I need to discern - to hear God's heart directing me. As a post-Biblical literalist, I know Jesus sits on the White Throne judgment - humans, including me, don't. So why do I often revert to thinking I have to judge everything now? I struggle with trying to perceive and judge others motives, their accuracy, their humility, their doctrinal correctness, their lovingness, etc. Where did that come from? I finally think I've found the answer:

It came in the Garden of Eden when mankind chose to eat from the tree of dualism (good and evil). What if we would have nibbled at the Tree of Life instead?  The result of that choice could be pondered for weeks. But the point isn't how the would would have been better had we (as a species) not screwed up 6,000 years ago. The point is how do I stop that dualism in my own personal life? For me, the issue is two sided - how do I catch myself being dualistic when I don't have a template of what unity looks like? and how do I find a template of unity besides the glimpses of Jesus in the gospel?  The aspects of love in 1 Corinthians 13 helps some with a word template. But learning meditation and contemplation is very beneficial to me. Thank you Rev. & Mrs. Wesley & Stacey Campbell for your book about praying the Bible and how/why to begin this type of prayer; and thank you Father Gerald for being an example and mentor in beginning to incorporate lectio divina into my prayer life.

I was surprised to discover that some of the Kabbalist writers I've read call the two stages of silent prayer as meditation and unification. For where I am now, that makes sense - the blessed feeling God grants to feel united with Him and through Him with all He has created.

Back to those cute curly-haired cherubs. I know from Genesis they were protecting the Tree of Life from fallen man. I'm not sure what they were doing in Ezekiel's vision as I have read it many times (I love the mental visuals of the Theophanies), but I've never analyzed or studied it.

So back to Exodus where I've done some minimal studies in both the year in Bible College and in my own personal learning. Were the cherubs on the Ark of the Covenant there as decoration? I would have said yes and as a reminder of heaven (as I didn't think of cherub as baby angels back then but more as warring angels like Michael or possibly messenger angels like Gabriel).  So were they a pre-theophany to help Ezekiel wrap his vision into human words so it could be prophesied to the Hebrews? or is it possible the cherubs were on the Ark of the Covenant to protect the contents? 

One Christian Kabbalist said they were there to protect the 10-commandments, which were written on tablets of sapphire. Just as ego got in the way and Adam and Eve chose the tree of good and evil (judging and dualism); many people read the 10 commandments in a dualistic manner.  My first thought was how could they be read any other way then as doing them or not doing them - obedience or disobedience?  But what if they were not rules that earned us rewards or punishments (dualistic and ego driven); but were 10 items to point back to the Tree of Life and the 10 Siferot? My thoughts quickly ran to the Tree is a method to find unity with God, others and self - so the 10 commandments might really be a template that Jesus and the Shema summed up as love God and love others.  That gave me a template that I think will help me unstick from dualism.

Just as I was lead into meditation and praying the Bible because history shows it would have been the method Jesus was taught and what He used, I also wanted to discover what method of mysticism Jesus would have studied and learned. I'm a bit bowled over by what I am learning. Yet, I am cognizant that there is a centering that is spiritually beneficial or deep ends that lead me away from the truth. Having fallen off those deep ends through spiritual excesses (fundamentalism and later the greed Gospel where I was more interested in laying up treasures on earth than in heaven), I know I am susceptible to see (what my friend Jinn Bug) called "something shiny" and I'd go chasing after that instead of after God.

Jesus said He was the Way, the Truth and the Life.  Christian Kabbalists say that is shorthand:  The Kabbalistic Tree of Life is sometimes called the Way by Jewish scholars; the Truth is the scriptures and John tells us Jesus is the Word made flesh; and the Life is Jesus is eternal life thus part of the Trinitarian godhead.

One Christian Kabbalist believes Jesus wrote the Zohar; if so,it is sad that the book God's son wrote, has received such little acclaim. That doesn't mean I'm embracing it as such, I haven't even purchased a copy.  I'm still walking the grocery store and picking out spiritual food from the Kabbalah to help me join more closely with God through Jesus.

Enough rambling for today. It feels good to sort through a few of the points I'm reading. I'm a person in process - this loom exciting and big today; but as life ebbs and flows and I'm responsive to God - that may change tomorrow.  I have learned to accept this as part of who I am.

I've had several Epiphanies in my Christian maturation:

1) Coming to Christ at 3:30 AM on Saturday, October 11, 1975.
2) Baptism in the Holy Spirit two weeks later (didn't yet know what it was)
3) Discovered "Praying the Bible: The Pathway to Spirituality" and started praying like Jesus prayed and even using some of His prayers.
4) Discovered "Song of Songs" mostly through Rev. Mike Bickle but various other writers that gave me language to tell God how much I loved Him and to have language to understand His love for me.
5) Meditation and Contemplation - even though I was a reluctant starter and am still a novice.
6) Right now Kabbalah feels like it will be the next one on my list. I feel more spiritual energy percolating within me then I have for years. I can't wait to get up in the morning and learn and put into practice what I'm learning. I've been blessed with joy and peace for several years, but this dose of excitement added to it is very energizing.

Blessings to anybody who reads here.

Debbie

Reading: "Simple Kabbalah" by Kim Zetter (Part 2)

Chapter 4:  Understanding Genesis.


p. 98  By blocking out the distractions of the world, silencing the chatter in their heads, and focusing their attention on one thing, Kabbalist mystics were able to tap into a level of consciousness in which they could comprehend the divine truths or concepts that otherwise eluded them. 

I believe the same would be true today - focus devotedly on God and wait for Him to teach His truths. I think of the Bible verse, "Be still and know that I am God." from Psalms 46.10. 


p. 106  One of the first legends in Judaism is that God created the world through the letters of the Hebrew alphabet. Actually it says that 974 generations before God created the heaven and the earth.  He created the Torah, and through the Torah He then created the universe.  Through the letters of the Torah, he created all that exists in the Torah; thus He created Creation.  This is an area of Kabbalah called "letter mysticism." 

That is interesting but over my head except as a generalized  understanding: God created the universe through His Words.

p. 116  "Kabbalists believe that the story of Adam and Eve is an allegory for how the concept of duality became actualized in our world, and how the entire aim of Creation is to rejoin the parts into the one." 

Learning to see things as more then the surface story, i.e. Adam and Eve were real people in a real garden; but to go deeper to find the lessons available through the surface story is a new way of thinking for me. I like it as it adds more depth to my faith. I didn't realize the concept of duality would be in my writing again today after having written about it last night. I yearn for holistic, non-dual, non-separate life -- of being at one, at peace. For me that road-to-peace process started when I found peace with God through accepting Christ. But that doesn't mean I automatically have a non-dual peaceful thought life --- my propensity is to see things black/white, right/wrong, us/them. I want to grow out of that egocentric thinking pattern.

p. 119 and p. 120  "Other outside me to define me. I exist as me, because I am not you. Otherwise, without you, without something outside me, I am the whole world."  and "According to Kabbalists, God created in order to "know" Himself.  As we said about the infant, in order for her to fully recognize her identity there has to be someone outside herself. There is no relationship, and no realization of the self, without another. So God sent a part of Himself outside Himself in order to undergo a process of evolution and return to Himself a higher being, a being that knows himself..... God creates in order to know His own goodness...."

I can understand humans require "other" to know self... to learn the boundaries of where they end and the other begins; and then to learn to take responsibility for the self. I can't understand a sovereign God requiring the same or Him becoming more Himself.

p. 120 "While the consequence of the sin of Adam and Eve is a regretful one (there are no rewards or punishment in Kabbalah, only consequences), it is perhaps a necessary one. Unlike the traditional reading of the Bible, which places blame on Adam and Eve and straps us all with original sin before we're born, Kabbalists believe the soul needed to descent in order for it to evolve. The "punishment" was actually an act of love designed to elevate souls from a point of simple knowledge to conscious understanding (it's not just that I now; it's that I know I know). 

I find that interesting because I've read part of Matthew Fox's book, "Original Blessing" so the concepts have a framework to slightly understand the above. I am also starting to understand the difference of punishment and consequences which is a major departure for me from my Fundamentalist background.

p. 121  "The repenter is stronger than the person who is always righteous, because the repenter has had farther to climb back. He's had to batte impulses and overcome them, while the righteous has not even exercised a muscle." 

I really liked that. It reminded me of Jesus's story about the woman who washed his feet with costly perfume and dried his feet with her hair. He said, "her many sins have been forgiven. Her great love proves that. But whoever receives little forgiveness loves very little." (Luke 7:47 God's Word Translation).


p. 125 "Part of the repair work that we have to do, then, is to rejoin the physical and spiritual, to elevate the physical world to its former place of union with the spiritual.  The aim of Kabbalah is to teach us how to reconnect the two:  how to elevate the physical to the spiritual."

I like that. To me, that is one major way of growing in unity and overcoming dualism. Christ exemplifies that in three ways:  (1) by His Incarnation; (2) by His bodily resurrection; (3) by His promise to resurrect us not only spiritually but our dead bodies will be resurrected and we'll be given glorified bodies.

The lesson for me is to learn how to live that Incarnationel, rejoined life in this lifetime; to shed the dualism that so easily pulls me away from Christ and away from others and even shatters the bonds I have with myself.

Chapter 5: The Tree of Life

p. 134  "The word for Elohim, Kabbalists point out, is composed of a feminine singular root with a masculine plural ending, im." 

Very interesting.  After reading about Hebrew words that have gender, it made sense that English interpretations depict God as male since we have no gendered words or articles. I took part of a semester of French at Bethany College in Lindsborg, Kansas. I soon dropped out. Assigning gender to nouns was outside of my realm of practical. I could have cared less if I needed a feminine or masculine pronoun for table, chair or door. But those few weeks gave me enough understanding I could understand why English missed lots of the nuances of Hebrew or Greek.
 
p. 137  "Hochma on the human level represents pure, undifferentiated judgment. It is the act of living in the moment and of simply being aware of our place in the universe." 

I like that. I want to learn to live more in the now - to be aware of God now, not of the historical interactions of God and me or hopes for future interactions of God and me; but to be aware - t be alive to God in the current moment. Sitting in my rocker, I can sense the peacefulness of my home, the quietness of the area where I live, a tweet of a bird, the creaking of the rocker, the warmth of the room's heater, the bright gray of the sky shining in through the window. Sitting here quietly and not typing for a few moments, I could sense God's presence. I breathe in His love and exhale my love for Him. I am at peace. I love the times I am sitting in that awareness while a friend is talking - I can listen with empathy and not feel I need to have an answer ready, but can just inhale God's love and exhale my love for God and my love for my friend/s. 

The author mentions judgment. When I am at that loving place, the only judgment I can pass is love. I don't feel inadequate, scared, insecure or that I think I have or need all the answers. I can not judge my friend/s but just touch their humanity that they are so generously sharing with me.

I wish I could live there always; but I am grateful I know it is possible and God is slowly gifting me with that special place more frequently. I am happy. I am grateful.

p. 141  "Kabbalists call God in exile the Shekinah, the feminine presence of God. It is the queen exiled from her king, and exile persists for as long as the king and queen are not united. It was believed by the early Israelites that the Shekinal dwelled in the Ark of the Temple in Jerusalem.  But Kabbalists believe that, in essence, we are the Shekinah. The king is represented on the Tree by Tifert, the symbol of balance of harmony. Tiferet stands in the spiritual world while we stand in the physical one. Tifert and Shekinah were difided with the Fall of Adam and Eve. Therefore when Kabbalists speak of the union of Tiferet and Malkhut, they're talking about a symbolic union that expresses a desire to reunite the physical and spiritual worlds."

In case anybody reads this, Tifert and Malkhut are each one of the ten circles that diagram Kabbalah thought. Reading it out of that context makes it seem strange rather than a method to better understand the God of the Bible and ourselves in relationship with Him.

As I read that paragraph, it amazed me how it parallels my inner thoughts since having studied the "Song of Songs" about 8 years ago. That book is a beautiful example of God's love and longing for us; and how he awakens us to His love and eventually we're loving Him back and wanting to do things He would do and then discuss them with Him. Studying the "Song of Songs", to me is a beautiful pattern of Christian maturation process that opens our yearning for God and better understand Christ's yearning for us.

At one time my Christian walk was my desire to please God by rule-keeping. About 10 years ago (thanks to my godly 12-step sponsor) that started shifting to desire to know God intimately and personally - and living rules impeccably was secondary and dropping.  Yet, the more intimately and personally I know Him, the less I tend to sin and it seems I more easily see the motives that urge me to sin or to act holy - and, unfortunately, a some of the right things I do are motivated by my desire to serve Christ, but many are my own ego-centric needs trying to get met. Yet, the older I get the more eager I am to go to heaven and see my Heavenly Lover face to face and to enjoy relationships with those who were loved ones here - relationships that have the promise to not get bogged down in the ego needs that tend to boycott relationships here.

It seems odd, but there is a correlation between my desire for non-dual here that seems to grow at the same rate as my desire to be reunited fully with Christ at death.

p. 144 "The Tree of Life is a blueprint of us."  

The next two paragraphs are amazing in the scope of study that is encompassed in Kabbalah and how every aspect of humanity is represented in the tree.

p. 148  "Repair consists of two types: those that restore the world on the outside--on the physical level--and those that restore it on the inside--the psychological and spiritual levels.  The outside is repaired through thoughts, words and actions; the inside is repaired through deveoping spiritual awareness by study, meditation and prayer. If both types work together, there will be good done through conscious intention and awareness." 

I like action plans! Three steps to wholeness and  five steps to good relationships or 12-steps to recovery. These self-help plans have benefited me in the past. And they are beneficial as far as they go; but they seldom find balance between the inside and outside. Of course, God's plans are perfect and balanced - especially if we use His tools in a balanced way.

That takes me through Chapter 5. so I may take quotes from the rest of the book on another day.

Blessings to those who read here.

Thoughts on my Christian Walk - NonDualism and Metaphors

I spent several hours today watching sermon videos and reading Christian blogs. It seemed the overwhelming topic that stuck out to me was dualistic thinking v unitive or non-dualistic mind. I have been understanding this concept for a while but struggle with consistent non-dualistic thinking. I am joyful that I eventually catch myself and then stop petting my ego and looking down on others with dualistic (me vs them) thinking.

I realized today that as I switch from fundamentalism to liturgical, from dualistic to non-dualistic thinking that at times I've switched to a different set of criteria for reverting to dualistic thinking. I won't list the list of my egocentric thoughts; even though I just became aware that I have changed one set of criteria for another to continue to embrace dualistic thinking - even though I know how harmful it is to me, to relationships and especially to my relationship with God.

Jesus was non-dualistic. His teaching was beautifully non-dualistic and at times He even uses metaphors and parables that clash with what He said in other scripture. He's called the Prince of Peace - then says he brings a sword; He says He came to save all - then says he teaches in parables so people won't see or understand.  I know there are many more, but these two pop into my mind. To find any inner peace, I had to find intellectual sense to make them agree or put them into a framework so they would agree or pseudo-agree. I am learning to live with the dissonance and finding joy in the opposites written in Christ's red letters in my Bible.  Sometimes I wonder if God did that to teach me to trust Him even when my mind can't make sense of it; to help me learn faith is not by intellectual understanding but my trusting Him; and to remind me words are symbols of what they point to.

Example:  When I hear the words "Sports Car" what comes to my mind is a white 1994 Mazda Miata with optional hard top that I once owned - the joy of driving on the freeway late at night with the top down and my long hair pinned back so I didn't get a mouth full while driving - speeding around and changing lanes and listening to Christian rock or cool jazz while loving God in the freedom of speed.  I doubt if many people have a deep-seated sense of spiritual freedom or even being fully alive or fully abandoned to Christ when they hear the word "Sports Car".  Every word from baby-babble to a PhD candidate's discipline's vocabulary is a container for the dictionary meaning; however, it is much deeper than that - it carries all the knowledge, education, experience, emotion, hopes and desires that goes along with the word.

When hearing Biblical words, I have to remember they are more than the dictionary meaning, the interpreter's meaning (since I read the Bible in English) but include the denomination meaning, person's historical interpretation and all of the above list I mentioned in the last paragraph. It's no wonder no two people can interpret the Bible the same; in fact, it's a miracle that two people may even agree on any part of the Bible!

That's where metaphors and parables help me accept people even though they have very different interpretations of the Bible then I have. Even the words they tell me about their beliefs are containers for something deeper - for explaining not only what they believe but it also says a lot about who they are. It helps me remember I am a person in process and just because I believe something today - as I experience life and the Holy Spirit deals causing my beliefs and priorities to change that day by day,  how I interpret my faith and practice my faith will change. It's growth  -  scary but an adventure. There's times I like to study the Word from another frame of reference; it may help me grow and change my beliefs; or it may help me embrace stronger what I already believe - but overall, it seems to help me be more loving and accepting of those who hold different concepts of Christianity or different doctrines. Those God-ordained encounters help me grow in non-dualistic thinking and at my current place of faith - I feel God is wanting me, encouraging me and helping me shed the non-dualism as He creates the "mind of Christ" in me.  I am grateful He showed me I'd just changed a few of my dualistic, or thought areas of "me vs them" but was still in the ol' game of proving myself instead of enjoying myself, others and God.

Father God, deliver me from egocentric self who needs dualistic thinking to survive. Please deliver me from the need to be right or prove myself. Help me grow in the compassionate goal of loving others like Christ did. Help me remember when Jesus spoke strongly to those who he didn't agree with - it was done in compassion and not in judgment and help me remember I'm not called to judge or correct since I can't do it from a place of perfect love. Help me to offer a listening ear and compassion.  Amen.

Gratitude List

It's been a while since I've made a gratitude list. I've felt such gratitude welling up inside me - often into silence of God's peace and at times into God's joy - and maybe they are the same: gratitude, peace and joy from Father God.



Tonight I'm grateful for:

1. the warm day and the beautiful colours of leaves on the green grass 
2. my little cottage filled with solitude and peace
3. that my home is warm - physically and, to me, it wraps loving arms of welcome around me and guests.
4. my job that I like
5. my boss's compassion and helpful suggestions
6. that I produced a lot at work today
7. that I know God loves me
8. that I know God's freedom
9. for Richard Rohr's "Falling Upward" that has had such a powerful impact on my life
10. that Father Gerald taught me to meditate and contemplate
11. that I was ready to learn this blessed method of prayer when a teacher was available
12. for my Fundamentalist background
13. for the strength to move from that Fundamentalism into...I know not what to call it but it is such a wonderful place of liberty. It was not an easy transition; but it has helped me love God more and I hope that love spills over into loving others in a more Christ-like way.
14. for being a part of my mothers passing (although I missed the last 18 hours)
15. that Mom saw Rick and our son in heaven as she was rejoicing over the people waiting for her
16. for the vision I had in the airport before I left to be with Mom
17. that God always comes through - always, no exceptions, no errors, no doubts
18. that I am learning to be open to see God's grace more and more
19. that I know that in heaven not only do our physical disease end; but so does the things that held us back and we will ... (no word, but fly high may touch the edge of the word I don't know) in Him without anchors holding us down - anchors like self-doubts, fears, health, aging, limits.
20. that I am grasping a tiny bit of Kabbalah and feel so close to Jesus who would have been trained in this Jewish mysticism as a boy and young man. It helps me understand the gospels better and to feel I know Him better.
21. that I can laugh, unafraid of my deteriorating health - I've named my sick liver Olivia and know she has about 40 million viruses to be her friends and for a few days I've known she has new toys to play with - a lot of liver cysts, that she probably things are balls to play with. Anthropomorphizing my liver to playing with her wounds may seem silly - but it helps me mentally play with my future demise and make sense of it and set goals for the now. 
22. that suffering is a beautiful gift - hand-picked from God to season our life with subtle flavours of Christ-likeness. Yet, I'm not suffering - I'm rejoicing. I could be distraught and angst-laden but I have peace and joy - what a wonderful gift. Yet, even if I would mentally or physically suffer with this disease, God would use it to work all things out to my good (Rom 8.28).
23. that I have grown past the thought of fighting for healing and have come to love resting in God's never-failing arms with abandoned trust... without guilt or shame for choosing that path. In the light of eternity - just resting in Him makes more rational and spiritual sense to me then in spending the rest of my life fighting aging, the devil, sickness or anything. One thing... (Ps 27.4)
24. that God has taught me the joy of suffering - not that I seek suffering, in fact it's hard to notice suffering when joy is the predominant emotion. 
25. that the handy-man will do some maintenance things around the house tomorrow - this is a big blessing because he now works full time but will make room in his busy schedule to help me. I'm so blessed because some things I don't know how to do and some things I'm not strong enough to do. Praise God!
26. for my four friends who I know I can telephone day or night and you'll be there for me - and I know it is reciprocal. I am so blessed. 
27. for this joy that doesn't stop - at times I wonder what I did to deserve it, and realize there is nothing in my life I could have done good enough to get this much joy; so I count it God's grace and am overwhelmed but grateful. 
28. for music
29. for my new Christian instrumental CD with lots of saxophone. I remember loving to hear Dad play the sax and listening to this tape, touches deep places where God is palpable and although I'm laying on the sofa resting, my spirit is worshiping God by dancing around the room.
30. that I have a heart of gratitude - must have been a gift from God as my natural response to life was worry, fear and resentment, but gratitude is a much more restful response.
31. for God's love

Amen.

US Secret Service and Sacrificial Living

Romans 5: 7-8 "We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him."  (The Message Version)

May seem an odd topic to have pondered over the last few days, but I watched a documentary on the US Secret Service who are trained and willing to die for the US President.  That made me wonder who I would be willing to put my life on the line for:  my sons, my grandchildren, my niece and her children, Pope Francis and the current Dalai Lama. It's a fairly small circle in comparison to the 6 billion people in the world. I wish it was larger. I am grateful it's not a list of 0, but it does let me see that I have major room to grow as a Christian.

Although the circle is small of who I would die for; I'm more than willing to use this "earth suit" to help others after my demise. One of my disappointments is when I die that my organs can't be donated to save other lives; neither can my body go to science to train young people to become MDs; nor have I ever been able to donate blood. I have found an organization in the US who will accept my brain as a donation to help learn about brain injuries for athletes who need them so badly they aren't picky! ;)  I am grateful for that.

1 John 3.16 says, "Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren."

I want to learn to live more sacrificially; but I don't have a 21st century model of how that looks for an older woman in frail health.  It will be an adventure, I'm sure. God loves to keep life moving forward and adding excitement.