Deuteronomy 30.19 "Chose Life"

Over a year ago, I posted this quote from a book:  "Thanatos represents the preoccupation with death, with the putting off of death, or with clinging to death-filled objects. By sinning in this way we refuse to fall in love with life, to love what is lovable, to savor life's simple and non-elitist pleasures, to befriend pleasure, to celebrate the blessings of life, to return thanks for such blessings by still more blessing." 

That hit me between the eyes. What a reality check of my egocentric focus on the wrong things. I thank Father God for that reality check. Seeing it, naming it are the first steps to opening to what I want and what I believe God wants for me.

For the first time since starting this journey, I've reread what I've written - well, almost, I'm part-way through. I was rather taken aback how my view of God has changed. I knew I was changing but I didn't realize the rapidity of that change.  Well, maybe I haven't changed as much as my first thought; maybe my vocabulary is just catching up with the changes. I will try to blog more often as a way to do a spiritual check-up that what comes out of my fingertips at the computer is what I want going on in my mine.

But I also realized that after being hospitalized in December and two cancer scares in January and February; that I have been focused on the wrong thing. I've been focused on health and death; rather then life and living. That's an easy thing to change. If I keep focused on the wrong thing, then I will draw it to me. I want to draw the abundant life God promised to me and chose to focus there.

Today has been good. I had several chores planned; it's sunny and warm (for here) out and that draws me. Those things will await; today is a God-n-me day. I've spent time having a 1-day spiritual vacation. I've watched several hours of videos by Rohr, I've read. I've meditated. I've started blogging again. I feel I'm heading in the right direction.

Yay Lent. It might be late in the season, but it is apparently right on time!

Blessings,
Debbie

Update on Life

It's been quite a while since I've written in my blog.  After re-reading the first page, I wanted to type some thoughts that have changed since then.

I've been reading a lot on finding natural ways to boost the body's own physical healing. I've been on a plan since mid-January to increase my body's oxytocin. I love what that does to me. I am grateful for this discovery several years age and the emotional strength to develop this new lifestyle over the last almost 3 months. I've had the support of several people on forums and I am grateful for that. It makes me feel so alive and as I feel alive, I sense my body becoming more alive and more healthy - and I'm grateful that was depicted in the last test results received. It's also helping with being more inclusive and loving because I have such a nesting urge that I want to be there for others in a compassionate, listening, caring way. I am finding I want to make deep eye contact with others when they speak or if we shake hands at church; yet I am not offended when they can't look back with a deep gaze but pray they can some day experience that blessing. I think of Adam and Eve who were "naked and not ashamed" and feel a true looking at others in the face as communication happens is the entry steps to developing deep friendship bonds with others. Yes, it can be intimidating; but it feels good to care enough about others to want to look and empathize.

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The after-effects of the hospitalization are gone. It was a lovely place to visit that calm and peaceful place that was deeply meditative; but it's not a place where God will allow me to vegetate. I don't yet see all the ways that has impacted my life or"ministry" (or whatever it's called when God in me reaches out to others). I think of Rohr's organization: Action and Contemplation. They need to go together. It seems too much contemplation and I'm so heavenly minded that I'm no earthy good (to borrow somebody's phrase) or if I'm all action without gazing at God contemplatively, then I get into good deeds and might as well join the Shriners or Lions Club to help others rather than doing "service" (don't like that word) to others in God's name.
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Physically I'm doing marvelous. My liver function tests are the lowest they've been for several years and they are just slightly above normal instead of double the high normal gauge.  The sonogram showed all the liver cysts are gone except for the two little ones that have been there for 10 years and 20 years or longer.  My platelet counts are increasing and I'm hoping they continue that trend until I can have dental surgery without needing blood products or hospitalization in Halifax. The C/T scan showed improvement in some areas and no further deterioration over the past 6 years. The echocardiogram showed marked improvement in my heart valves (rheumatic heart disease) with only minor damage to one instead of moderate damage to 3 like it was several years ago.

What do I attribute how I got in bad shape?  (1) Not knowing how to deal with the stress of a marriage gone bad; and still perceiving myself as a victim and not knowing how to change that view.  (2) Not believing I "deserved" the foods that had worked so well to regain health in the 90s; and not being assertive in what I needed to live healthy while the discretionary family income went for his alcohol and tobacco. I'm at the place where I'm strong enough to be proactive in my health.  No, I do not blame ex because of my lack of assertiveness. I apparently needed this lesson to hit bottom and decide *I* needed to change and to trust God to teach me how to be compassionately assertive and how to word things in a non combative manner. That has helped me gain self-respect and as I respect self, I discover others respecting me; yet, I know it's not me but God in me so I don't take that respect personally like it was something I deserved, it's God in me who deserves the respect as He brought me to this place.

What do I attribute how I'm getting into better health?  (1)  I've juiced periodically, as I could afford it, since I got single. The past few months, I've made juicing a priority. (2) I've given up the internal pressure to be perfect and exchanging that to being open to be loved by God and loving Him. (3) Letting go of more of the legalism that had bound me.

The so far about 55-60 pound weight loss I attribute to my mother. Because of the life-long stressed relationship with Mom, her beautiful death that healed what had been a deep pain for each of us, I no longer need to be "big" to handle the weight of those hurts and wounds. God can be big and I can be free to be normal sized. She gave me the gift of birth and even in her dying she gave me a different gift - a gift of healing the wounds that had bound us together in a dysfunctional dance.  

I am grateful for the gift of better health. I am grateful for my friend who is a coach and mentor on natural health.  I'm grateful I'm able to make boundaries to protect myself--often from my own self.

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I started this as a journey to determine if I wanted to become a lay Franciscan or 4th order Franciscan. Although I've enjoyed that; I don't think the regimented prayers and practices would work for me when I'm still relatively new at enjoying the freedom of Christ outside of my old-style legalistic religion. It would be too easy for me to get back into legalism. I am currently loving the freedom of spontaneous relationship I have with God. He is so present to me this way.  It may be something I'll want to visit in the future, but maybe not and I'm okay with not knowing. I'm grateful for what I learned.
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I enjoyed learning the little about Kabbalah. I no longer sense a desire to continue with that study. It may be something to revisit, but currently it's not on my spiritual radar. I feel content to have a very basic understanding of what Jesus' education may have included; it helps me feel more united with Him.
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Like often, Lent did not work for me.  I liked the first few years when Father G suggested I don't give up anything but take up something new. He said I'd given up so much that he didn't feel it would be healthy to give up; but it would be healthy to take up new.  This was the first year I chose to give up. I gave up an unhealthy friendship that was pulling me away from God and from the lifestyle I desire. Within the first two weeks of Lent, I realized it was even more unhealthy then I recognized and was almost like an addiction. I'm stabilized. I've grieved and came to acceptance this was the best choice I could make. I am proud of myself.

The first week of Lent, when I went to Psalms 27, especially verse 1, which often is my meditative scripture. I sensed God tell me that during Lent to read the Psalms and pick a new chapter that I am no longer at the place where safety is prime - that I know how to trust God in me for my safety needs. Even if something bad happens to me, He is my safety net. I have not been diligent to do that search. But maybe He knew I needed a few weeks to work through some of the other stuff to be at the place to choose the next chapter.

It seems appropriate.  A new chapter of life.  A new chapter of Psalms.  What a wonderful reminder that God is guiding and directing my life

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I've struggled with wanting more non-dualistic thinking.  I watched several hours of Richard Rohr today and several times he said part of life has to be dualistic thinking, the critical thinking that moves us throughout the day. Do I turn left or right? Do I do this or that?  Those are all dualistic thinking that is needed; but it isn't healthy to have that as the only thinking style.

Does that mean that thinking about what areas to be dualistic and which to be non-dualistic is a dualistic?

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Contentment

It's been a while since I've posted in my blog. It's been a while since I've been on facebook, too. Maybe I graduated to another grade in the school of life where I can enjoy a few minutes on facebook and feel I do not have to spend an hour or more. Whatever it is, I love this new time of life. I love life's freedom. I love life.

I'll start off-topic and then get on topic.  In this blog, I've often talked that I currently don't fear death - and my priest has assured me that is wonderful but when that future time gets near and I'm staring it in the face that I may have fear; he said if I do to not hide it from my supportive friends but talk about it. No stoic stuff trying to keep that mindset. Good advice (like usual).

The first week of December I was in the hospital, I didn't have the energy to even think - just breathing and holding my clinging cross and stuffed moose was all the energy I had. Most of that week and the following two weeks was like extended contemplation. It was wonderful and worth the "tuition" of illness to have gone through it.  God was more real to me then I am to myself. It was a wonderful experience. It still lingers at times and I feel very blessed to have not only the joy and peace that I've been given for several years, but now I also sense a growing contentedness - not based on exterior happenings but inner movements.

1 Timothy 6:6 says:

(KJV)  But godliness with contentment is great gain.

(NLT)  Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.

(MSG)  A devout life does bring wealth, but it's the rich simplicity of being yourself before God.

I was often puzzled by these verses because it seems like another thing to add to my check list that God expects me to do. I'm grateful I'm letting go of that mind set but I think of these things now as hope and a "warning" that God is working to achieve these things while I get a front row seat as He works it in me.

Yet, I didn't do anything to achieve this new phenomenon of contentment. It doesn't seem I have any control over it staying or going; nor does that cause me to feel vulnerable.  While I was flat on my back God gave me contentedness - I didn't see God coming but I sure know He was there by the beautiful gift of contentment.

The day before I was released from the hospital, another doctor used sonogram to know where to put the needle in my back to remove the fluid from my lung. He removed 1,500 ml (6.3 cups). When I got home the next day, I discovered I was 28 pounds lighter - that was a lot of fluid. Tests since then have shown all but two tiny cysts have disappeared, other tests are moving towards normal and I'm slowly regaining my energy.

I stand amazed at the way God continues to move in my life. I'm grateful God has me going through life's little inconveniences and annoyances and He rewards that by giving me His wonderful, eternal heavenly antidote. 

I am taking daily diuretics as a preventative of this happening again and that seems to work well. I am also receiving daily heavenly meds of greater joy, peace and contentment. I trust myself to take my daily pill meds. I trust Him to bring me my daily heavenly meds. He's growing me up!I'm so grateful to be His child.

Reality and Death.

Several times as Mom was in her last week of life, I'd say to those who were trying to encourage her to accept our reality, "Let Mom have her own reality."  She was partly in our reality, partly in her past and partly in her future. It was a lovely experience to watch her move effortless between the three as she did the "work" of binding and loosening in preparation of her transition. She'd be talking to us, then change and parent like we were preschoolers; then she'd be talking to relatives and loved ones who had already passed. This last one often brought joy to her face, light to her eyes and her skin and countenance looked 20 years younger... the wrinkles would almost go and she'd get a rosy glow to her normally pale cheeks.  Watching the switch was endearing, tender, interesting, and at times confusing - and it pulled on many emotions. Yes, it was strange to try to connect with someone who was reaching for connection who was not in the same reality -- but how often am I in the same reality as others I'm trying to communicate with?  Seeing my own reality and not recognizing they are in theirs.  With Mom dying the difference of reality was more pronounced so I noticed it more because of the widening gap of our different realities.

We were created for eternal life. The Christian tradition teaches the fall in the Garden of Eden hindered eternal life and required us to die to go to the other side. Yet, we are already eternal beings, it's just these "earth suits" and their associated paraphernalia (like ego) that hinder us from consistently remembering we're already eternal. Could that be part of the dualistic mind thinking here and there are disconnected?  Would the non-dualistic mind see here and there as the same place that we can spiritually transcend?  Those are weighty questions and not on topic. 

Thus, it seems logical that the reality of the other side is more real then the reality on this side. I am blessed that my parents did not train me to fear death - but to accept it was a normal part of life. That helps me be free to think about death without aversion or fear - and, at times, even with humour and joy. I wonder if I was able to train my children with that same fearlessness and acceptance?  I hope so - it is a wonderful gift.

I'm writing in circles again.  The point of this blog post was to place some new thoughts - or old thoughts in new references - about death so I can look at them.

If I was created to be an eternal being, and through Adam I fell and landed in an earth suit with a life-span of 100 years or less, then isn't eternity more real then this short time in my earth suit (body)?

When somebody dies, we talk about them dying, we grieve their loss, etc.  What if we've gotten it backwards?  We're the ones who are still living in the body of death - they are living in eternal life where the Bible promises God will wipe away their tears and there will be no more sorrow or pain. I'm not diminishing the pain of us who are left behind and our lives have changed so drastically because of the loss - it's real and at times tangible; but it is temporary since we have a life-span before we rejoin our loved ones, friends and strangers.

I've mentioned in this blog, that 7-1/2 hours after Mom died, I realized as I took communion that through the Eucharistic feast that she was now more a part of me then she had been when we were both in earth suits. In her eternal state, she has shed her ego and can be there for me in a way that is humanly impossible if she was bound up in a physical body and the associated stuff that goes with that.  Yeah, I'm still stuck in this earth suit; I'm still egocentric and trying to shed that me-ism for Christ-likeness. But I won't achieve that in fullness until I'm on the other side. Until I reach the other side, I can sense my loved ones presence in the Eucharist and "chew the cud" of that blessing throughout the week: Christ in me; Christ in them; all of in Him. We're so much closer to each other now then we were while wearing these skin-suits with clothes and hang-ups that are associated with living in this fallen, egocentric world.

My prayer is that I learn to live more unitive - more of Christ in me and me in Him as I recognize that since Christ is all in all, then I am closer to others then my gray & white-mattered brain can fathom.

Mental Meanderings on Cheribum and other Types and Shadows

A question I've had for about 10-12 years is "How was Jesus's inner spiritual life?"  What did He do, what did He read, what was He taught, what was spiritual life of his mentors be like? How did a Jew of year 0032 practice His faith? How was it at His time so I can understand how His faith changed the world?  It slowly and meanderingly has compelled my search for knowing Jesus better.  It is my walk and I am not encouraging anybody to follow it or even agree with it - it's just my story and hopefully putting it down will help me be more open to hearing others' stories of how their spiritual growth moves throughout stages of their lives. This first paragraph was the last one written; had I written it first, it might have given me a better diagram to what I wrote so it wouldn't be so helter-skelter.  I find I often write down the particulars (sometimes tiny particles) and that helps me discover the summary.  Rather then rewrite, I'll just leave the disjointed thoughts below.

I have been reading and watching videos on Christian Kabbalah and the Zohar which is apparently a sort of commentary of the Torah (Jewish scriptures or Christian Old Testament).  It is certainly giving me a lot to sort through and think about.

Right now I'm at the grocery store level - I feel like I'm pushing a cart around a new store that is full of marvelous packages of goodies I don't recognize and some I do know but with different packaging, and I get to toss as many or as few of them into my cart to take home and experience or leave on my pantry shelf. I am figuring out whatever I think will be helpful to know God better and to be in a position to best connect to Him and toss it in my cart to sort through. It's like Christmas morning in my heart!

I come from a fundamentalist background where it seems many books had titles of steps:  4 steps to holiness, 6 steps to prosperity, 8 steps to knowing God.... currently it feels a little odd to be looking at a 10 step to enlightenment. Then I thought of a ferris wheel - there's no "right" seat to take for the ride - just get on and enjoy it. So I'm jumping on for short spins and enjoying it and getting off and enjoying the thrill of where I've been and basking in the new knowledge and attempting to see how it can be put into practice in my boring little life. It seems with each spin - I come back feeling more in love with Jesus and more in love or at least more accepting of people.  Having come from a steps to achievement background, the thought of the Tree of Life of Kabbalah is a bit uncomfortable - maybe fearful it is another 10 steps of hard work to miniscule development.  In case anybody reads here the 10 steps called Sefirot are the attributes or emanations of God or how He reveals Himself to humans. If I know how God may reveal Himself, then it might be easier to not be startled if it happens but to remain open to receiving.

When I was married to the children's dad, we would laugh that when he opened his Bible, it was to Revelations and to study it based on US military weaponry and tactics and current events - my old Thompson Chain Reference KJV Bible I used back then has so many markings, I can hardly read the texts in the first few chapters of Genesis.  I would often open to Genesis to try to figure out why we were here and how it all happened. There was probably about 6 consecutive years we read through the full Bible as a family after supper. I am glad my children had that training - not only in Bible reading but in consistency of spiritual disciplines... even if it was often done in legalism and not in joy. 

I said that to point out that Genesis has always held a fascination for me. I feel it is starting to make sense and to be helpful in spiritual formation or Christian growth.

Back to the cherubs. According to one teacher (I've been listening and reading so many, I don't recall which one), said cherubs were baby angels and that was apparent in the Hebrew word. Of course, visions of Renaissance paintings of chubby, naked, dimply knee-ed babies with blonde curls and gossamer wings popped into my mind's eye.  Since Genesis was a Jewish book before it became a Christian book, I quickly switched the blonde cherubs to curly, black-haired, olive-skinned babies with wings - their happy, trustful and open facial expressions remained similar.

I got out my concordance and realized cherubs are mentioned three times.

(1) God put them to guard the Tree of Life in the Garden of Eden. I thought of Jesus teachings to come to Him as a little child - so to get back to the Tree of Life, the kiddie cherubs are a reminder of what I am becoming - childlike.  Yet, I bring my ego-driven self to the Tree where God chips them off and molds me into the image of His Son, my Saviour.

(2) He used gold cherubs to sit on the Ark of the Covenant that sat in the Holy of Holies and held the 10-commandments, Aaron's rod that bloomed, a jar of Mannah and the first scroll Moses wrote. I just realized there are types of shadows of Christ all over those items. Wow! There were also what I consider echoes of the cherubs designed into the curtains of the Tabernacle and the gold-covered walls of the Temple.

(3) Ezekiel's theophany.

For the past couple of years, I have been questioning the difference of dualism vs. peace or unity with God and trying to life in more peace and unity.  When I'm in a dualistic mindset, I am judging and evaluating everything. I don't need to judge, I need to discern - to hear God's heart directing me. As a post-Biblical literalist, I know Jesus sits on the White Throne judgment - humans, including me, don't. So why do I often revert to thinking I have to judge everything now? I struggle with trying to perceive and judge others motives, their accuracy, their humility, their doctrinal correctness, their lovingness, etc. Where did that come from? I finally think I've found the answer:

It came in the Garden of Eden when mankind chose to eat from the tree of dualism (good and evil). What if we would have nibbled at the Tree of Life instead?  The result of that choice could be pondered for weeks. But the point isn't how the would would have been better had we (as a species) not screwed up 6,000 years ago. The point is how do I stop that dualism in my own personal life? For me, the issue is two sided - how do I catch myself being dualistic when I don't have a template of what unity looks like? and how do I find a template of unity besides the glimpses of Jesus in the gospel?  The aspects of love in 1 Corinthians 13 helps some with a word template. But learning meditation and contemplation is very beneficial to me. Thank you Rev. & Mrs. Wesley & Stacey Campbell for your book about praying the Bible and how/why to begin this type of prayer; and thank you Father Gerald for being an example and mentor in beginning to incorporate lectio divina into my prayer life.

I was surprised to discover that some of the Kabbalist writers I've read call the two stages of silent prayer as meditation and unification. For where I am now, that makes sense - the blessed feeling God grants to feel united with Him and through Him with all He has created.

Back to those cute curly-haired cherubs. I know from Genesis they were protecting the Tree of Life from fallen man. I'm not sure what they were doing in Ezekiel's vision as I have read it many times (I love the mental visuals of the Theophanies), but I've never analyzed or studied it.

So back to Exodus where I've done some minimal studies in both the year in Bible College and in my own personal learning. Were the cherubs on the Ark of the Covenant there as decoration? I would have said yes and as a reminder of heaven (as I didn't think of cherub as baby angels back then but more as warring angels like Michael or possibly messenger angels like Gabriel).  So were they a pre-theophany to help Ezekiel wrap his vision into human words so it could be prophesied to the Hebrews? or is it possible the cherubs were on the Ark of the Covenant to protect the contents? 

One Christian Kabbalist said they were there to protect the 10-commandments, which were written on tablets of sapphire. Just as ego got in the way and Adam and Eve chose the tree of good and evil (judging and dualism); many people read the 10 commandments in a dualistic manner.  My first thought was how could they be read any other way then as doing them or not doing them - obedience or disobedience?  But what if they were not rules that earned us rewards or punishments (dualistic and ego driven); but were 10 items to point back to the Tree of Life and the 10 Siferot? My thoughts quickly ran to the Tree is a method to find unity with God, others and self - so the 10 commandments might really be a template that Jesus and the Shema summed up as love God and love others.  That gave me a template that I think will help me unstick from dualism.

Just as I was lead into meditation and praying the Bible because history shows it would have been the method Jesus was taught and what He used, I also wanted to discover what method of mysticism Jesus would have studied and learned. I'm a bit bowled over by what I am learning. Yet, I am cognizant that there is a centering that is spiritually beneficial or deep ends that lead me away from the truth. Having fallen off those deep ends through spiritual excesses (fundamentalism and later the greed Gospel where I was more interested in laying up treasures on earth than in heaven), I know I am susceptible to see (what my friend Jinn Bug) called "something shiny" and I'd go chasing after that instead of after God.

Jesus said He was the Way, the Truth and the Life.  Christian Kabbalists say that is shorthand:  The Kabbalistic Tree of Life is sometimes called the Way by Jewish scholars; the Truth is the scriptures and John tells us Jesus is the Word made flesh; and the Life is Jesus is eternal life thus part of the Trinitarian godhead.

One Christian Kabbalist believes Jesus wrote the Zohar; if so,it is sad that the book God's son wrote, has received such little acclaim. That doesn't mean I'm embracing it as such, I haven't even purchased a copy.  I'm still walking the grocery store and picking out spiritual food from the Kabbalah to help me join more closely with God through Jesus.

Enough rambling for today. It feels good to sort through a few of the points I'm reading. I'm a person in process - this loom exciting and big today; but as life ebbs and flows and I'm responsive to God - that may change tomorrow.  I have learned to accept this as part of who I am.

I've had several Epiphanies in my Christian maturation:

1) Coming to Christ at 3:30 AM on Saturday, October 11, 1975.
2) Baptism in the Holy Spirit two weeks later (didn't yet know what it was)
3) Discovered "Praying the Bible: The Pathway to Spirituality" and started praying like Jesus prayed and even using some of His prayers.
4) Discovered "Song of Songs" mostly through Rev. Mike Bickle but various other writers that gave me language to tell God how much I loved Him and to have language to understand His love for me.
5) Meditation and Contemplation - even though I was a reluctant starter and am still a novice.
6) Right now Kabbalah feels like it will be the next one on my list. I feel more spiritual energy percolating within me then I have for years. I can't wait to get up in the morning and learn and put into practice what I'm learning. I've been blessed with joy and peace for several years, but this dose of excitement added to it is very energizing.

Blessings to anybody who reads here.

Debbie

Reading: "Simple Kabbalah" by Kim Zetter (Part 2)

Chapter 4:  Understanding Genesis.


p. 98  By blocking out the distractions of the world, silencing the chatter in their heads, and focusing their attention on one thing, Kabbalist mystics were able to tap into a level of consciousness in which they could comprehend the divine truths or concepts that otherwise eluded them. 

I believe the same would be true today - focus devotedly on God and wait for Him to teach His truths. I think of the Bible verse, "Be still and know that I am God." from Psalms 46.10. 


p. 106  One of the first legends in Judaism is that God created the world through the letters of the Hebrew alphabet. Actually it says that 974 generations before God created the heaven and the earth.  He created the Torah, and through the Torah He then created the universe.  Through the letters of the Torah, he created all that exists in the Torah; thus He created Creation.  This is an area of Kabbalah called "letter mysticism." 

That is interesting but over my head except as a generalized  understanding: God created the universe through His Words.

p. 116  "Kabbalists believe that the story of Adam and Eve is an allegory for how the concept of duality became actualized in our world, and how the entire aim of Creation is to rejoin the parts into the one." 

Learning to see things as more then the surface story, i.e. Adam and Eve were real people in a real garden; but to go deeper to find the lessons available through the surface story is a new way of thinking for me. I like it as it adds more depth to my faith. I didn't realize the concept of duality would be in my writing again today after having written about it last night. I yearn for holistic, non-dual, non-separate life -- of being at one, at peace. For me that road-to-peace process started when I found peace with God through accepting Christ. But that doesn't mean I automatically have a non-dual peaceful thought life --- my propensity is to see things black/white, right/wrong, us/them. I want to grow out of that egocentric thinking pattern.

p. 119 and p. 120  "Other outside me to define me. I exist as me, because I am not you. Otherwise, without you, without something outside me, I am the whole world."  and "According to Kabbalists, God created in order to "know" Himself.  As we said about the infant, in order for her to fully recognize her identity there has to be someone outside herself. There is no relationship, and no realization of the self, without another. So God sent a part of Himself outside Himself in order to undergo a process of evolution and return to Himself a higher being, a being that knows himself..... God creates in order to know His own goodness...."

I can understand humans require "other" to know self... to learn the boundaries of where they end and the other begins; and then to learn to take responsibility for the self. I can't understand a sovereign God requiring the same or Him becoming more Himself.

p. 120 "While the consequence of the sin of Adam and Eve is a regretful one (there are no rewards or punishment in Kabbalah, only consequences), it is perhaps a necessary one. Unlike the traditional reading of the Bible, which places blame on Adam and Eve and straps us all with original sin before we're born, Kabbalists believe the soul needed to descent in order for it to evolve. The "punishment" was actually an act of love designed to elevate souls from a point of simple knowledge to conscious understanding (it's not just that I now; it's that I know I know). 

I find that interesting because I've read part of Matthew Fox's book, "Original Blessing" so the concepts have a framework to slightly understand the above. I am also starting to understand the difference of punishment and consequences which is a major departure for me from my Fundamentalist background.

p. 121  "The repenter is stronger than the person who is always righteous, because the repenter has had farther to climb back. He's had to batte impulses and overcome them, while the righteous has not even exercised a muscle." 

I really liked that. It reminded me of Jesus's story about the woman who washed his feet with costly perfume and dried his feet with her hair. He said, "her many sins have been forgiven. Her great love proves that. But whoever receives little forgiveness loves very little." (Luke 7:47 God's Word Translation).


p. 125 "Part of the repair work that we have to do, then, is to rejoin the physical and spiritual, to elevate the physical world to its former place of union with the spiritual.  The aim of Kabbalah is to teach us how to reconnect the two:  how to elevate the physical to the spiritual."

I like that. To me, that is one major way of growing in unity and overcoming dualism. Christ exemplifies that in three ways:  (1) by His Incarnation; (2) by His bodily resurrection; (3) by His promise to resurrect us not only spiritually but our dead bodies will be resurrected and we'll be given glorified bodies.

The lesson for me is to learn how to live that Incarnationel, rejoined life in this lifetime; to shed the dualism that so easily pulls me away from Christ and away from others and even shatters the bonds I have with myself.

Chapter 5: The Tree of Life

p. 134  "The word for Elohim, Kabbalists point out, is composed of a feminine singular root with a masculine plural ending, im." 

Very interesting.  After reading about Hebrew words that have gender, it made sense that English interpretations depict God as male since we have no gendered words or articles. I took part of a semester of French at Bethany College in Lindsborg, Kansas. I soon dropped out. Assigning gender to nouns was outside of my realm of practical. I could have cared less if I needed a feminine or masculine pronoun for table, chair or door. But those few weeks gave me enough understanding I could understand why English missed lots of the nuances of Hebrew or Greek.
 
p. 137  "Hochma on the human level represents pure, undifferentiated judgment. It is the act of living in the moment and of simply being aware of our place in the universe." 

I like that. I want to learn to live more in the now - to be aware of God now, not of the historical interactions of God and me or hopes for future interactions of God and me; but to be aware - t be alive to God in the current moment. Sitting in my rocker, I can sense the peacefulness of my home, the quietness of the area where I live, a tweet of a bird, the creaking of the rocker, the warmth of the room's heater, the bright gray of the sky shining in through the window. Sitting here quietly and not typing for a few moments, I could sense God's presence. I breathe in His love and exhale my love for Him. I am at peace. I love the times I am sitting in that awareness while a friend is talking - I can listen with empathy and not feel I need to have an answer ready, but can just inhale God's love and exhale my love for God and my love for my friend/s. 

The author mentions judgment. When I am at that loving place, the only judgment I can pass is love. I don't feel inadequate, scared, insecure or that I think I have or need all the answers. I can not judge my friend/s but just touch their humanity that they are so generously sharing with me.

I wish I could live there always; but I am grateful I know it is possible and God is slowly gifting me with that special place more frequently. I am happy. I am grateful.

p. 141  "Kabbalists call God in exile the Shekinah, the feminine presence of God. It is the queen exiled from her king, and exile persists for as long as the king and queen are not united. It was believed by the early Israelites that the Shekinal dwelled in the Ark of the Temple in Jerusalem.  But Kabbalists believe that, in essence, we are the Shekinah. The king is represented on the Tree by Tifert, the symbol of balance of harmony. Tiferet stands in the spiritual world while we stand in the physical one. Tifert and Shekinah were difided with the Fall of Adam and Eve. Therefore when Kabbalists speak of the union of Tiferet and Malkhut, they're talking about a symbolic union that expresses a desire to reunite the physical and spiritual worlds."

In case anybody reads this, Tifert and Malkhut are each one of the ten circles that diagram Kabbalah thought. Reading it out of that context makes it seem strange rather than a method to better understand the God of the Bible and ourselves in relationship with Him.

As I read that paragraph, it amazed me how it parallels my inner thoughts since having studied the "Song of Songs" about 8 years ago. That book is a beautiful example of God's love and longing for us; and how he awakens us to His love and eventually we're loving Him back and wanting to do things He would do and then discuss them with Him. Studying the "Song of Songs", to me is a beautiful pattern of Christian maturation process that opens our yearning for God and better understand Christ's yearning for us.

At one time my Christian walk was my desire to please God by rule-keeping. About 10 years ago (thanks to my godly 12-step sponsor) that started shifting to desire to know God intimately and personally - and living rules impeccably was secondary and dropping.  Yet, the more intimately and personally I know Him, the less I tend to sin and it seems I more easily see the motives that urge me to sin or to act holy - and, unfortunately, a some of the right things I do are motivated by my desire to serve Christ, but many are my own ego-centric needs trying to get met. Yet, the older I get the more eager I am to go to heaven and see my Heavenly Lover face to face and to enjoy relationships with those who were loved ones here - relationships that have the promise to not get bogged down in the ego needs that tend to boycott relationships here.

It seems odd, but there is a correlation between my desire for non-dual here that seems to grow at the same rate as my desire to be reunited fully with Christ at death.

p. 144 "The Tree of Life is a blueprint of us."  

The next two paragraphs are amazing in the scope of study that is encompassed in Kabbalah and how every aspect of humanity is represented in the tree.

p. 148  "Repair consists of two types: those that restore the world on the outside--on the physical level--and those that restore it on the inside--the psychological and spiritual levels.  The outside is repaired through thoughts, words and actions; the inside is repaired through deveoping spiritual awareness by study, meditation and prayer. If both types work together, there will be good done through conscious intention and awareness." 

I like action plans! Three steps to wholeness and  five steps to good relationships or 12-steps to recovery. These self-help plans have benefited me in the past. And they are beneficial as far as they go; but they seldom find balance between the inside and outside. Of course, God's plans are perfect and balanced - especially if we use His tools in a balanced way.

That takes me through Chapter 5. so I may take quotes from the rest of the book on another day.

Blessings to those who read here.

Thoughts on my Christian Walk - NonDualism and Metaphors

I spent several hours today watching sermon videos and reading Christian blogs. It seemed the overwhelming topic that stuck out to me was dualistic thinking v unitive or non-dualistic mind. I have been understanding this concept for a while but struggle with consistent non-dualistic thinking. I am joyful that I eventually catch myself and then stop petting my ego and looking down on others with dualistic (me vs them) thinking.

I realized today that as I switch from fundamentalism to liturgical, from dualistic to non-dualistic thinking that at times I've switched to a different set of criteria for reverting to dualistic thinking. I won't list the list of my egocentric thoughts; even though I just became aware that I have changed one set of criteria for another to continue to embrace dualistic thinking - even though I know how harmful it is to me, to relationships and especially to my relationship with God.

Jesus was non-dualistic. His teaching was beautifully non-dualistic and at times He even uses metaphors and parables that clash with what He said in other scripture. He's called the Prince of Peace - then says he brings a sword; He says He came to save all - then says he teaches in parables so people won't see or understand.  I know there are many more, but these two pop into my mind. To find any inner peace, I had to find intellectual sense to make them agree or put them into a framework so they would agree or pseudo-agree. I am learning to live with the dissonance and finding joy in the opposites written in Christ's red letters in my Bible.  Sometimes I wonder if God did that to teach me to trust Him even when my mind can't make sense of it; to help me learn faith is not by intellectual understanding but my trusting Him; and to remind me words are symbols of what they point to.

Example:  When I hear the words "Sports Car" what comes to my mind is a white 1994 Mazda Miata with optional hard top that I once owned - the joy of driving on the freeway late at night with the top down and my long hair pinned back so I didn't get a mouth full while driving - speeding around and changing lanes and listening to Christian rock or cool jazz while loving God in the freedom of speed.  I doubt if many people have a deep-seated sense of spiritual freedom or even being fully alive or fully abandoned to Christ when they hear the word "Sports Car".  Every word from baby-babble to a PhD candidate's discipline's vocabulary is a container for the dictionary meaning; however, it is much deeper than that - it carries all the knowledge, education, experience, emotion, hopes and desires that goes along with the word.

When hearing Biblical words, I have to remember they are more than the dictionary meaning, the interpreter's meaning (since I read the Bible in English) but include the denomination meaning, person's historical interpretation and all of the above list I mentioned in the last paragraph. It's no wonder no two people can interpret the Bible the same; in fact, it's a miracle that two people may even agree on any part of the Bible!

That's where metaphors and parables help me accept people even though they have very different interpretations of the Bible then I have. Even the words they tell me about their beliefs are containers for something deeper - for explaining not only what they believe but it also says a lot about who they are. It helps me remember I am a person in process and just because I believe something today - as I experience life and the Holy Spirit deals causing my beliefs and priorities to change that day by day,  how I interpret my faith and practice my faith will change. It's growth  -  scary but an adventure. There's times I like to study the Word from another frame of reference; it may help me grow and change my beliefs; or it may help me embrace stronger what I already believe - but overall, it seems to help me be more loving and accepting of those who hold different concepts of Christianity or different doctrines. Those God-ordained encounters help me grow in non-dualistic thinking and at my current place of faith - I feel God is wanting me, encouraging me and helping me shed the non-dualism as He creates the "mind of Christ" in me.  I am grateful He showed me I'd just changed a few of my dualistic, or thought areas of "me vs them" but was still in the ol' game of proving myself instead of enjoying myself, others and God.

Father God, deliver me from egocentric self who needs dualistic thinking to survive. Please deliver me from the need to be right or prove myself. Help me grow in the compassionate goal of loving others like Christ did. Help me remember when Jesus spoke strongly to those who he didn't agree with - it was done in compassion and not in judgment and help me remember I'm not called to judge or correct since I can't do it from a place of perfect love. Help me to offer a listening ear and compassion.  Amen.