I Would See Jesus

John 12: 20-33 was the theme at the Breakfast Bible Study and the liturgy. The key verse is the middle portion of verse 21 where Philip asks, "Lord, I would see Jesus."  The discussion and homily (sermon) was on how to see Jesus. This topic weighed joyfully on my heart and mind so I came home to meditate on the word and write my thoughts.

The first question I need to ask is where is Jesus so I can see him?  I find the following three scriptures very applicable to answer this question:  

On the night before Jesus was crucified, he prays to the Father for the people who were with him but also for all those who would ever believe in him": :You and I are one—as You are in Me, Father, and I am in You. And may they be in Us so that the world will believe You sent Me. I have given them the glory You gave Me, so they may be one as We are one." (John 17:21-22 - NLB)

"Christ lives in me" (Galatians 2:20; 2 Corinthians 11:10)

"For in him we live, and move, and have our being." (Acts 17:28)

Those scriptures show that God is in Christ; Christ is in God; I am in Christ and Christ is in me.  It's such an easy message that even a child can understand.

In John 20:18, Mary Magdalene begins the first Easter sermon by saying, "I have seen the Lord!"  Seeing the Lord compelled her to tell others the good news and was life-changing. I don't believe she first set down, pen and paper in hand, and wrote out the four steps to come to or see the Lord or the 5 rules of how to know if your eyes are open. She didn't create doctrines on how to see the Lord and what requirements a person had to meet to be eligible to see the Lord. She saw, she was filled with so much joy she wanted to export the joy to others.

John 13:15 says, "I have set the example, and you should do for each other exactly what I have done for you." (CEV) As I read the gospels, over and over I see Jesus, our example, looking for ways to see God in others. Bible scholars say Philip was a gentile who had converted to Judaism. There were women, Roman soldiers, prostitutes, adulterers, nice people who recognized their desire for a deeper faith walk, those burned out on the legalism of their Jewish faith, those who had observed his healing and miracles and were impressed or curious or just wanted more entertainment or free dinner, those who had been healed or delivered, children who rubbed their grubby hands in his Judean beard and weren't punished for it, those who felt his warm acceptance, those who had left their family and vocation to follow him. Overall the main group who did not "see" him were the Pharisees because they were too busy following the rules and finding ways to reject him rather than accept him because he didn't follow their rules and guidelines.

It is so easy to do what the Pharisees did. To look for reasons to not see Christ in others or to even believe Christ would humble himself to live in people our self-righteous mind would point our holy fingers at while saying they are sinful, erroneous, dysfunctional and egocentric. Yet, Jesus was humble and gave up his throne in heaven to come to earth as a tiny embryo inside Mary's womb and grew until he could be born and then he lived a selfless life showing us the type of sacrificial love God loves us with.  (Philippians 5:2-11)

"It's the same way with the Son of Man. He didn't come so that others could serve him. He came to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many people." (Mark 10:45)

I haven't written an evangelistic blog and I guess this is about as close as I'll ever come. Are you ready to see Jesus?  Do you already see God in others?  Do you sense God in yourself? Do you see God in the whispering breeze, in the glorious night sky, in the power of lightening, in the daffodil breaking forth in the straggling winter snow, in the cry of a newborn baby or in the soft caress of a loved one?  The Bible tells us we can see God in his creation (Romans 1:20) Whether you see God in any of the above, you can open your life to let that deep love and acceptance flow. Recognize it is Christ in you that yearns to see Christ in others and nature - to be a person who accepts the flow of love from Him to you and to pass  it on to others. The great commandment Jesus gave says, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." (Matthew 22: 37-39).

Note He does not give us rules on how to do that because he knows he'll be inside us and we'll be inside him and as we feel loved by him, we will have the courage to grow in living a life like his: humble and serving - full of forgiveness and compassion.  We won't need rules to see if we're achieving that because none of us will ever do it perfect.  Apostle Paul summed the above so succulently in Galatians 2:16-21.  

Yet we know that a person is made right with God by faith in Jesus Christ, not by obeying the law. And we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we might be made right with God because of our faith in Christ, not because we have obeyed the law. For no one will ever be made right with God by obeying the law."  But suppose we seek to be made right with God through faith in Christ and then we are found guilty because we have abandoned the law. Would that mean Christ has led us into sin? Absolutely not!  Rather, I am a sinner if I rebuild the old system of law I already tore down. For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God. My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die.

Ash Wednesday

Ash Wednesday was wonderful; being somewhat new to the liturgical stuff - I dearly love Ash Wednesday, Maundy Thursday and Christ the King Sunday - never celebrated them until I started attending the Anglican church in December 2006 and they are so stuffed full with interesting things that help me feel really connected to God. I even like the repeating cycle of the church yearly calendar, it gives a special rhythm to the cycle of life.

During morning group meditation, I had trouble letting my thoughts go and focusing on the Bible words I'd picked, "angels ministered to him." (Mark 1.12-15).  My thoughts were going every which way. I was mostly thinking of how I thought rather than what I was thinking. Example:  I wonder if there's a way to put like a v-shaped snow plow so as thoughts come they are dozed out of the way?  Maybe I'd not struggle so with thoughts if I'd think of going under water where the waves on the surface were the thoughts other than the Word and if I'd go deep enough I couldn't see the turbulence above and could more easily sit with the Word. Then some weird thoughts wanted me to participate and one of the off-the-wall ones is I wondered if Tantric sex (from what I've heard/read is a way to turn our sexual expression into prayer and bond deeper with a mate and with God at the same time). Well, it was an interesting question and I participated with it for a few seconds until I caught myself and let it go.  The interesting thing was that even with the bombardment of thoughts, I still felt a deep closeness to God. I intuited I was cocooned in his love. No guilt that I'd not "performed" meditation perfect but just joy and peace that I knew God was in it.  Afterwards I received a comment that it was emotive and I didn't disagree because there was an emotive element; but it was so much deeper then emotions and was also very and mostly spiritual. But I can't put that into words then or anything more now that I've thought of it.

I also know that any time we put our concept of God into Words, then it is a dead and partial understanding because God is light, vitality and life and cramming Him into words doesn't work. That is also beginning to permeate my understanding of the Word of God - we caged Him into human words and God is not containable - He's much to big to fit in words or concepts or even my emotions.  I think of the parable of the blind men who saw the elephant: when we try to stick God into human words, it only explains a tiny bit of him. Words speak of the now - and God is eternal; so even if we could accurately put God into words; by the time we spoke them time would have moved and they would be imperfect. I think of John who wrote in his gospel that the world couldn't begin to even hold all the books that could be written about what Jesus did. So how can we think it is all contained in the 66 books that were canonized?  I also find it interesting that often the people who are most anti-Catholic are also the ones who are most pro-canonization of those 66 books. But, I still accept that it works for them and I'm okay with that and grateful they have something that helps them feel closer and loved by God.

Over lunch at the community meal, I talked to my pastor a few minutes about the near-death experience I had in December 2013. I hadn't talked to him about it and I think he was a bit surprised.  I periodically think of those few minutes of not being in my body and miss it.. I'm homesick for it. I long for it. I grieve not being there. I don't mind being here; but that thirsting for the other is a powerful longing.

So what is a near death experience doing in the middle of a post on Ash Wednesday?

The way my pastor explained Lent is to die to self or as I think of it as dying to selfishness, that self-absorbed, egocentric spot that is so easy to get into where I think I'm the hub of the universe and forget God is the center - He is the all in all. During this season, we give up something (die to it) so on Resurrection/Easter we can rise again. I think of the Phoenix, which reminds me of when I lived in Atlanta, from the ashes of destruction and death - it rose again and soared. 

I found a deep joy in receiving the ashes this year. It seems my thoughts other years were the ashes were a reminder that death was coming and prepare.  But this year it was a reminder death was coming and to celebrate all of life - both the current in-body and the future in-spirit life. Instead of a reminder of the grim reaper; it was a reminder of the "joy that is set before me." Which was Christ's stance as he went to the cross (Hebrews 12). 

Even with the deep joy of knowing who I am: dust to dust; there was also a somberness about this liturgy. As I unpack it, it seems to be a somberness that the God of glory made humanity out of dust and breathed His life into us as He was preparing the way for Him to come to earth in carnal form to show us who He is.  The humble, loving, forgiving, gentle, sacrificial Jesus. I can only be wow-ed.

Even knowing "From dust you came and to dust you shall return" is full of hope, joy and peace.

During the day I realized what I will lay down or die to for this Lent season and what I will pick up. I've purchased Richard Rohr's book on journeying through Lent.  I'm grateful for this spiritual time to focus on my own (as I wrote in the last blog entry) repent and believe; or  "Be aware and be transformed."

Abba Father,  Help me be aware and be transformed. Help me remember You are the potter and I am the clay - help me learn to see you in more areas of my life and in this snow and in the lives of nature and other people; Help me long for and be transformed into the sweet savor of my Lord. Help me not want to make you in my image; but to stand back and watch as I surrender and I am transformed into the image of Christ.  In the name of the Saviour and Lord, Amen.

Lenten Quiet Day - Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Last week my parish had a Lenten Quiet Day. I didn't put my thoughts on the blog, but I had written them down, so am putting them here now. 

 

Much different then previous years and it was challenging but good.  Historically we’d have Eucharist and then little 10-15 minute meditations with instructions what to write about for the next 30-45 minutes until the next little meditation.  This time we started with reading of the gospel for Lent Sunday 1  (Mark 1:12-15)  about Jesus’ 40 days in the wilderness. As customary, we’re to pick a word of a phrase that stood out to us.  I picked “Repent and Believe” and could sense my inner Pharisee, wringing her hands in glee, and loving that choice that could pull me back into sorting through all my areas of missing the mark and making sure I repented and changed.  Dualism at it’s finest. ; – )  I asked God for a different phrase when the gospel was read the second time. No, I sensed I was to stick with it.  So I did. 40 minutes for meditation/contemplation. I did fairly well watching my thoughts go by rather than thinking my thoughts. Then the Communion and then no instructions except to try to spend the rest of the day with our word or phrase – not for head knowledge but for heart opening.  That nobody would say anything if we read or wrote; but we wee encouraged to try. Whoa!  I am accustomed to letting my brain entertain myself and trying to go 4 hours without mental meanderings really felt like being in the desert... uncomfortable, barren, a bit frightening.

 

A few times I discerned to stick with a thought but most of them I acknowledged and let go.  Here’s the few that were my tutors on de-legalizing that phrase:

(1)  Repent is not just do a 180; but mostly to be aware

(2)  Believe is not the same as behave

(3)  Repent and believe is not childhood echoes of “Deborah Dianne, stop that this instant and behave.”

(4)  Repent and believe is currently more “be aware so you can be transformed”.

 

It was meaningful. I have that peaceful, drowsy, cocooned feeling that comes from hanging out with God; plus my mind is more cooperative because it got a few tidbits to chew over.

God in Daily Life

When I was a kid, about once a month, some activity would travel through town and perform at the school.  In grade school we paid 10 cents to go and I think it was 15 cents in high school.

Out of all of the events I saw, there are two I remember, a trampoline artist – who asked a girl to jump to see how much fun and she jumped wrong and broke her leg and the ambulance and stretcher had to carry her out – which is probably why I remember it.

The other was a black man who gave a verbal oration. I was impressed with his full, round, and deep speaking voice.  His vocal sound was invitational to pay attention and listen. He had his program memorized and when he orated the creation story, it was awesome. God had fun with that, too.  There was loud cracks of thunder and rumbling thunder that perfectly enhanced the wonderful words and the good presentation.  Maybe that was my first thoughts of God being there in daily life and not just in church or when we kneeled as a family and prayed. But it impacted me.

Gratitude List

It's been a while since I've written a public gratitude list.  So here's the things that I'm grateful to God for today:

*  The warmer weather of the last two days
*  That I'm back to reading the gospels and meditating
*  That I'm sleeping well and waking up rested
*  That  know I'm loved by God
*  For my older sister
*  That I love to learn
*  For Star Trek reruns on Netflix
*  For my friends
*  For my church family
*  That I'm learning when to let go and not hang on
*  That if "bad" things happen it's not a reflection on me being bad.
*  For discovering writing by Anthony de Mello - he certainly is giving me a way to look at life differently
*  For my priest who sometimes ticks me off but I know he has the flock (and my) spiritual good as his priority. It's wonderful to know he has my back
*  That I can live a frugal life and only work two days a week
*  That I am learning to speak my truth
*  That I'm learning to be open to hear others hear their truth
*  That I love to make eye contact with people, even if it's not reciprocated
*  That God had me hide the Word in my heart
*  That I'm learning to have confidence in myself, because the depth of myself is God.
*  That I'm getting healthier
*  That I seldom have a down day and, if I do, it only lasts for a few hours
*  That I have so much peace and joy
*  That I have my little home that feels so homey
*  That my Christmas tree is still up and it brings me joy and I'm at a place where I no longer care if others think it's weird that I am enjoying an extra-long holiday season with twinkly lights
*  That the winter has been mild
*  That I have contentment with what is
*  That I still have goals and desires
*  That God loves me
*  That God has given me love for Him
*  That I am learning to love others with God's love
*  That I am starting to understand a few things about quantum physics
*  That I can learn something and state it but not feel I have to export it and talk others into liking it, too.  Aaah, growth.
*  That I enjoy music
*  That I can play music
*  That I have lot of hobbies that can follow me into retrement
*  That I'm learning solid state healing
*  That the solid state healing is working
*  that I have hope and peace about the future
*  that I believe Romans 8:28 that all things work together for good.

Pornographers, Forgiveness & Celibacy

I often wrote a gratitude list on a journal on a site I was active in for about 11 years. I may have put one or two gratitude lists on this blog since I quit going to that site. To me, gratitude is the things I'm giving God the glory and gratitude for blessing my life with. (I think my high school English teacher's pen would have bleed red ink all over that last sentence's construction.)

This is a thank you to people who, in a round-about way, have been catalysts for major spiritual growth. The people whose choices have hit me so hard in the solar-plexis that I've had to run into God's loving arms for healing and protection.

I presume when I wrote my testimony back in the beginning of this blog, I talked about how I hated myself and knew the only way to regain liking me again and seeing myself as more then a filthy victim was forgiving the man who abducted and raped me when I was a young adult. Forgiveness didn't change that atrocity happened to me, but forgiveness helped me heal. It broke that evil tie that was formed. After all, God created sex for bonding in marriage; and outside of marriage the miracle of bonding still happens as it's the nature inherent in sexual union. That incident gave my then-heathen self a basic understanding of the beautiful results of forgiveness.  It paved the way for the time when my life would be blessed with Peter and Paul- what I call a man where I worked and the friendly housewife next door. They showed me Christ's love without hitting me on the head with scripture; after all, I could hear their Christ-like love and was a sponge wanting to soak up that beautiful gift, but I couldn't hear the Word because I didn't have spiritual ears to hear it. I remember how clean I felt when I forgave the rapist and so when I grasped that offered forgiveness of Jesus, I wanted Jesus to feel that clean like I did.  Okay, so that's not how it works as Jesus is sinless and clean, but that's how it came across to me. When God goes fishing, he uses all sorts of bait - flies, worms, lures and maybe doctrinally my understanding was stink bait, but it worked to bring me into His kingdom. As stated in that entry, my salvation prayer is not like any I've ever heard either; but God loved me enough to come into my heart and life even if I didn't understand what I was praying, even if it had a time limit and even if I did it for Jesus instead of for me.

Beverly, the housewife, had been through similar and she helped me see how having forgiven the rapist quickly was good. But she pointed out it had been three years and I also had to forgive the cops who refused to even pick him up but would "talk to him."  I doubt they did that as they seemed to think it was all a joke. My bitterness at those paid to protect and serve the community was not hurting them (they didn't give a hoot) but my bitterness at them was hurting me.  So she helped me pray and cry and move into the forgiveness being activated in my life. 

The trashed out, one-room trailer where I was raped was filled with photos of pornography taped to the wall, pinned to the curtains and stacked in piles plus the old reel to reel movie projector and reels of movies. Now I can see the downward progression how people (women, too) can go from a healthy view of sexuality and allow a little visual titillation to continue to spiral to the place viewers of porn see all people (especially women) as spirit-less body parts for their own need. The inhumanity to humanity. But, it seems their own sense of self deteriorates from seeing themselves as whole human beings to just seeing themselves as genitals that needs orgasm. As I type that, I sit here with tears in my eyes at the way sin destroys, and like the mouse that is wintering in my wall - doesn't stay in one place but makes a racket all over the other walls of the house. Sin (not seeing things God's way) ripples out to affect/destroy so much more then the one act of sin.

I'd forgiven the women and men in porn because one of my best friends in Oklahoma had been sexually molested since preschool. She had been denied the right to wear clothing so her father and brothers had easy access when they wanted to use her for their sexual release and whose mother would beat her for making her husband (the girl-child's father) turn away from her.  She grew up to be a prostitute, exotic dancer and porn star.  How she'd turned her life around when she met Jesus, attended Bible college, and as a single mother managed to go through university and get her bachelors, masters, and doctorate in a special type of education (I know her career path, but won't blog it so she can maintain anonymity since few people have this doctoral major). She's an amazing woman. Unfortunately, we lost touch because my ex was a porn addict and when he discovered one of my best friends had been a porn star, it caused major issues in our marriage as he'd already lost the ability to focus on what he desired but his thoughts turned to what his addiction desired. But knowing this very damaged yet healing and very vivacious woman and having experienced her Christ-like friendship gave me a complete different view of women and men in the sex trade industry. She could tell stories of the backgrounds of the men and women in "the industry" all day and each story would open more compassion for the atrocities people had been through and how their choice was often from deep wounds that they knew not how to heal nor did they know Christ the Healing-one who waits with open arms to help.

There are ripples for everything we do in life. We do something good and it ripples so the person who was recipient may walk away and do good to another.  We may do something harmful (usually unintentionally) and it ripples so it not only affects the injured person but those he/she comes in contact with. My recent interest in quantum physics explains this ripple effect on so many levels that I see God in it. Of course, He invented the world and set quantum physics in place... maybe just to give nerds and semi-nerds a visual to better understand Him and Life.

The same with the rape.  Romans 8:28 promises that ALL things work together for good. Because I've seen the dark side of sexuality, it makes the holy side of sexuality stand out in glowing and delightful light.  Having been through rape and sexual abuse has forced me to study the word and discover what God says and apply it to my life. Back when I was in a celibate marriage (not my choice but his refusal to have sex or to even share a room or often a meal with me as his downward spiral of pornography addiction increased), God helped me see that it was not because of any lack in me - that He'd created me perfect and I had the choice to believe his Word or to believe the lies of the devil.  

During that dark decade of being married to a porn addict, here's some short comments I wrote that were meaningful to me as I adjusted to celibacy:


Purpose of Sex: Sex is one way two people in love may choose to share their love. Although sex may be a validating experience, validation is not the purpose of having sex. Validation of the love comes by honoring the marital commitment.



Sexual self-acceptance comes from what's going on inside - rather than what's going on in my marriage. I do not have to give up my sense of femininity or feeling good about my sexuality. I'm going to embrace it and not let it go. My sexuality is a gift from God that I can choose to embrace. Just because I don't get to have full expression of my sexuality through foreplay and intercourse, it doesn't mean I'm not a fully sexual being during these celibate years. I'm learning to enjoy all of my God-given femininity; even though the full expression of that femininity is limited through a partner's choice 

Now I can add: or through my choice of saving sex for a committed relationship before God.


In hind-sight, the five years of celibate marriage (his choice, not mine), helped me put sex into a more scriptural framework. What I learned during those years, helped me not rush into another dysfunctional marriage but has given me time to heal, to get to know myself and to figure out what I have to bring into a new relationship and what I need (need, not want but need) if I ever decide to commit to an intimate relationship (ie marriage).  Although 11 years of celibacy or 1/4 of my adult life has been without sexual expression; with God's help I've managed that and most of that has been accomplished not gritting my teeth and enduring it but with God's joy and peace flowing like a river. The fact I have been able to do that gives me an inner strength, a new self respect, a trust for God in a new area and a compassion for others who struggle.  I never said I didn't struggle, I just didn't act out and God honors that with more peace and joy. For me, that means no fantasy as it takes me to the dark side of sex; reality keeps me in the brightness of Christ's light. I'm not perfect in staying out of the dark side but I'm recognizing when I slip there and quickly pull myself back into His Light where there is peace and joy instead of frustration and discouragement. 

I realized I can live a few minutes without air, a few hours without shelter in extreme weather, a few days without water and a few months without food.  How long can I go without sex?  Looking at Maslow's hierarchy of needs - I'd put sex in the love/belonging category.  To reach that,  I need the physiological and safety needs met. Have I missed sex?  Very much.  My children's dad and I use to say sex is like aerobics - should be done at least four times a week.

Had it not been for pornographers who made porn, would I know all of that about myself?  Would I have had an incubator to birth those things inside?  Would I understand the sacred side of sex?  Would I have as much enjoyment of sex when I am married?  Would I have the inner liberty to enjoy freedom in sex with a partner?  Would I have the liberty to manage celibacy? Would I have the strength to remain celibate until sexual union would happen in a relationship that is healthy for me and for him and have God's approval?  

Had it not been for pornographers who made porn, would my three husbands not watched it and let it spiral into addiction and inhumaneness?  Would my first husband have not beat me because I wouldn't have sex with another man while he watched?  Had he not beat me, our baby wouldn't have died and the child wouldn't have brought my 97 year old mother comfort in her dying hours. Would I have left him and ended up homeless?  Had I not ran to the military for safety and an education, I would have not met the co-worker and neighbor who showed me Christ and were instrumental in my salvation and starting Bible college to immerse myself in the Word and His people. Had my children's dad not become addicted, would he have remained faithful? Would he have not encouraged one son to watch? Would that son now be married to the strong woman who has set some strong boundaries to protect their marriage and which gives him comfort, joy and an awesomely close marriage?  Would I have rebounded into 10 years of a worse situation that ended in five years of a celibate marriage and abuse and homelessness - well, in a woman's shelter with no passport so I could not go home, no extra clothing until some my size came to the shelter, but I did grab my Bible, my stuffed moose and my vehicle?  Thank God for socialized medicine where I could get X-rays and medical help at a time when I couldn't have afforded insurance that I needed after the abuse.  Plus I discovered I had a potentially terminal disease while I was in the shelter. Had it not been for all of that, who knows what path God would have had to take me through to cause me to grow.  Had I not been through that, then I wouldn't have as secure of future financially; I wouldn't have my calling to help women who are struggling in their marriages or who have had to leave and start over at an age when they should be preparing or enjoying retirement; I wouldn't be struggling to write a book. I wouldn't be who I am today - and I like who God's co-created me to be. Maybe had my faith not been so strong, I would have been like a few of the wives of porn addicts I knew who died young of cancer, either through HPV from their partner's visual unfaithfulness becoming physical unfaithfulness or other types of cancer because the stress of living with a man who saw them as an object and not a human shuts down their immune system.

There's a question on a site I periodically go to. It asks which would I prefer happen to me: good things or interesting things.  I've never grown spiritually when good things were happening, but I've grown when interesting things have happened. Thank God for the interesting things. Thank God that He has walked this journey day by day, hour by hour, and second by second - even when I was too busy focusing on me to see Him and even before I knew him.

I'm not thankful for pornography; however, I have forgiven the pornographers, the porn stars, the cops, the husbands who have used it and became un-husbands because of it. I'm not at the place where I can thank the above for doing what they did; but I do have compassion that their lives went through those low roads and pray it becomes one of the Romans 8:28 events that brings them to Christ and helps them hang onto Him as the Lifeline He is and wants to be. Like Paul, I can count it all joy - because God used these to develop my faith. 

I wrote this because I read a Christian blog of a man who had been a pornographer and pimp before coming to Christ. I'm so grateful we can never fall so far that God's loving arms can't grasp us or Jesus can't save us. God is sooooooooooo awesome. I'm grateful I'm His. I'm grateful He used this man's blog to help me see I had another layer of the onion of my past to shed some tears and take forgiveness to a deeper place.

Merry Christmas - New Birth

Merry Christmas!

It's been a while since I've written in my blog.  I was sincerely surprised that much time had passed.

Advent:  The time to open my heart to more of God and watch the new growth He will birth in me. Although I try not to self-evaluate, it's a bad habit I can't seem to break. In some ways the advent season was great and I give myself an A+ and other ways I flunked. I'm glad God doesn't have a report card on me.  He's put my name in the book of life.  I feel like I'm adjusting more to living my life by the Great Commandment of being loved by God - loving Him and loving others; and less by the check list of if my behavior was right/wrong, good/bad, etc. 

During this holiday season, I started seeing my old "religion" as Santa Clause faith: making a list and checking it twice, seeing if I've been naughty or nice and hoping I'll have presents and not coal in my stocking.  Or, making a list of rules I think God expects of me, loving to add new rules to it so I can do them and be more favorite, checking it twice to assure I complied, seeing if I need to repent or not and hoping I go to heaven and not hell where I'll burn into a lump of coal. Unfortunately, that kept the focus on me.  I realize some people are there and I sooooo understand since I lived in that space for decades and there are benefits to it - at least I was trying to live my life for God.

The big changes in the past 8 months is I've discovered Energy Healing using Solid State Technology.  A dear friend made it possible for me to attend a class and get the tools so I will soon have my certificate as an Energy Healer using this technology.

So, does it work?  It seems to be. Before I started using the technology on myself, my platelets (things that make blood clot) were 63 and normal is 130. A month after using a specialized water they went up to 75.  After adding the solid state technology, it was up to 85. The next month they were down to 78, but I'd had 12 teeth removed during that time AND had not required any human blood products. That meant there was some bleeding so I'd lost platelets, but I hadn't needed to take the risk of transfusion. That is real positive. My ESLD went from 14 to 12 - which feels like a miracle to me. I'm looking forward to all scores getting better.  I've also had more energy and have done more in a day then I'd been doing in three.

Energy Healing has also opened my curiosity to want to learn more about quantum physics. I've been doing some reading and watching YouTube videos on this amazing science. And I thought physics was a major so people could play billiards better! Oh, how wrong I was. I see so much of God in physics.

The people at the class were mostly Christian and it was almost like attending a retreat because He was mentioned so often in both the lectures and in conversation. People's comments on a Russian Christian, Gregori Grabovoi, who holds doctorates in Engineering Physics, Mathematics and Engineering and is a consultant to the US Government. Some people say he is a great seer such as Nostradamus. I am stretching my mind to try to understand some of his work that has been translated into English. A lot is over my head but what I can grasp at this first reading is astonishing. I'm currently reading, "The Resurrection of People and Eternal Life: From Now on Is Our Realty".  

I was blessed to have a few friends invite me to their home for Christmas. Normally that is meaningful to me.  This season I've been grieving the loss of my mother, the inability to have the holy day with family and the loss of nearby family. To have shared the day with a "borrowed" family would have been more than I could have handled with grace. It was less painful to be alone then to be with people.  That was a good decision for me. I enjoyed my day alone.  I texted with my sister a few times, received two e-mails from friends and a phone call from a dear friend. I had a long phone call last night with a dear friend and that helped me feel a connection with humanity.

Rather than New Year's Resolutions, I have been thinking of the newborn baby Jesus and the growth He made in His first year. Since He is my example, there are some growth areas I desire to make and pray God helps me on the things that are His will. Mostly, I want to become more disciplined - and I feel with the better health picture - that has great potential to happen.

Random Thoughts of growth are in being more consistent in:

Prayer

Bible reading/study

Church attendance

Exercise

Healthy eating

Connecting with others

Writing

Playing music

Money management

I'm excited to see how God leads me in the next year. If all of the above will bear fruit or if God and I will work on one thing at a time or just a few. My prayer is to stay open to hear from Him and follow Him.

Blessings,