Two topics that are floating around my brain:
ANGER:
The anger seems it is related to the amount of energy I feel. Some is
probably the anger of the grief cycle of Mom's death, so I acknowledge
it as such and am trying to look deeper into myself to see what I need
to bring to God to heal. On the physical front, after 3 months of on
and off of antibiotics for rotten teeth, and spending hundreds of
dollars to get referred to dentists who may or may not remove the
offending teeth - I am weary. I feel no closer to finding a dentist who
has hospital privileges so he/she can administer the platelets I require
before surgery. The latest hope is an oral surgeon who comes from Nova
Scotia. Unfortunately, the gov't has drastically reduced dental surgery
under socialized medicine - it is unclear if I'll have to pay for the
day in the hospital and buy the blood products and will probably have to
pay $150 per tooth (12 teeth need removed which means upper dentures). I
want local anesthetic, so at least I won't have to pay for an
anesthesiologist. This run-around, this potential financial burden, this
frustrating not knowing is adding to my anger. I just want to feel as
good as possible at this stage of life - and with this infection from my
teeth that has gone to my sinus and lungs, I am weary - so very weary.
DOCTRINE OF HELL:
I've been googling "History of the Doctrine of Hell" because I heard a
place of eternal damnation was not part of the first century church or
part of Judaism. It seems what I heard agrees with Bible scholars. The
words gehenna, tartarus and sheol had the connotation of being purified
while on earth to help us mature - think Malachi 3.3. It seems logical
to me because had Jesus changed the understanding of the afterlife from
what it had been during the millennium of Judaic doctrine, it seems
logical he would have been very specific in defining and explaining that
change. I could delineate some of the scholarly and practical reasons
why I think mankind created hell, but as I "try out" this doctrine to
see if it's the path God has for me as I learn to rightly divide the
Truth of his Word, My first thought is I know I love God because He
loves me but my second thought is how much more I love a God who is so
magnanimous in his loving that He offers forgiveness to those who don't
accept Him, worship Him, or worship other Gods or even ask Him for
forgiveness. It compels me to love God more and to want to cling closer
to Him. It would feel so beautiful to fall at the feet of the Lord,
cast my crown at His feet and know that there is not people He is
punishing with eternal damnation - but that He was Victor in all things -
even over unrepentant sinners. It feels glorious to think of heaven
without thinking of those who are in eternal torment being punished by a
God who tells us He is a God of love.
