Reality and Death.

Several times as Mom was in her last week of life, I'd say to those who were trying to encourage her to accept our reality, "Let Mom have her own reality."  She was partly in our reality, partly in her past and partly in her future. It was a lovely experience to watch her move effortless between the three as she did the "work" of binding and loosening in preparation of her transition. She'd be talking to us, then change and parent like we were preschoolers; then she'd be talking to relatives and loved ones who had already passed. This last one often brought joy to her face, light to her eyes and her skin and countenance looked 20 years younger... the wrinkles would almost go and she'd get a rosy glow to her normally pale cheeks.  Watching the switch was endearing, tender, interesting, and at times confusing - and it pulled on many emotions. Yes, it was strange to try to connect with someone who was reaching for connection who was not in the same reality -- but how often am I in the same reality as others I'm trying to communicate with?  Seeing my own reality and not recognizing they are in theirs.  With Mom dying the difference of reality was more pronounced so I noticed it more because of the widening gap of our different realities.

We were created for eternal life. The Christian tradition teaches the fall in the Garden of Eden hindered eternal life and required us to die to go to the other side. Yet, we are already eternal beings, it's just these "earth suits" and their associated paraphernalia (like ego) that hinder us from consistently remembering we're already eternal. Could that be part of the dualistic mind thinking here and there are disconnected?  Would the non-dualistic mind see here and there as the same place that we can spiritually transcend?  Those are weighty questions and not on topic. 

Thus, it seems logical that the reality of the other side is more real then the reality on this side. I am blessed that my parents did not train me to fear death - but to accept it was a normal part of life. That helps me be free to think about death without aversion or fear - and, at times, even with humour and joy. I wonder if I was able to train my children with that same fearlessness and acceptance?  I hope so - it is a wonderful gift.

I'm writing in circles again.  The point of this blog post was to place some new thoughts - or old thoughts in new references - about death so I can look at them.

If I was created to be an eternal being, and through Adam I fell and landed in an earth suit with a life-span of 100 years or less, then isn't eternity more real then this short time in my earth suit (body)?

When somebody dies, we talk about them dying, we grieve their loss, etc.  What if we've gotten it backwards?  We're the ones who are still living in the body of death - they are living in eternal life where the Bible promises God will wipe away their tears and there will be no more sorrow or pain. I'm not diminishing the pain of us who are left behind and our lives have changed so drastically because of the loss - it's real and at times tangible; but it is temporary since we have a life-span before we rejoin our loved ones, friends and strangers.

I've mentioned in this blog, that 7-1/2 hours after Mom died, I realized as I took communion that through the Eucharistic feast that she was now more a part of me then she had been when we were both in earth suits. In her eternal state, she has shed her ego and can be there for me in a way that is humanly impossible if she was bound up in a physical body and the associated stuff that goes with that.  Yeah, I'm still stuck in this earth suit; I'm still egocentric and trying to shed that me-ism for Christ-likeness. But I won't achieve that in fullness until I'm on the other side. Until I reach the other side, I can sense my loved ones presence in the Eucharist and "chew the cud" of that blessing throughout the week: Christ in me; Christ in them; all of in Him. We're so much closer to each other now then we were while wearing these skin-suits with clothes and hang-ups that are associated with living in this fallen, egocentric world.

My prayer is that I learn to live more unitive - more of Christ in me and me in Him as I recognize that since Christ is all in all, then I am closer to others then my gray & white-mattered brain can fathom.

Mental Meanderings on Cheribum and other Types and Shadows

A question I've had for about 10-12 years is "How was Jesus's inner spiritual life?"  What did He do, what did He read, what was He taught, what was spiritual life of his mentors be like? How did a Jew of year 0032 practice His faith? How was it at His time so I can understand how His faith changed the world?  It slowly and meanderingly has compelled my search for knowing Jesus better.  It is my walk and I am not encouraging anybody to follow it or even agree with it - it's just my story and hopefully putting it down will help me be more open to hearing others' stories of how their spiritual growth moves throughout stages of their lives. This first paragraph was the last one written; had I written it first, it might have given me a better diagram to what I wrote so it wouldn't be so helter-skelter.  I find I often write down the particulars (sometimes tiny particles) and that helps me discover the summary.  Rather then rewrite, I'll just leave the disjointed thoughts below.

I have been reading and watching videos on Christian Kabbalah and the Zohar which is apparently a sort of commentary of the Torah (Jewish scriptures or Christian Old Testament).  It is certainly giving me a lot to sort through and think about.

Right now I'm at the grocery store level - I feel like I'm pushing a cart around a new store that is full of marvelous packages of goodies I don't recognize and some I do know but with different packaging, and I get to toss as many or as few of them into my cart to take home and experience or leave on my pantry shelf. I am figuring out whatever I think will be helpful to know God better and to be in a position to best connect to Him and toss it in my cart to sort through. It's like Christmas morning in my heart!

I come from a fundamentalist background where it seems many books had titles of steps:  4 steps to holiness, 6 steps to prosperity, 8 steps to knowing God.... currently it feels a little odd to be looking at a 10 step to enlightenment. Then I thought of a ferris wheel - there's no "right" seat to take for the ride - just get on and enjoy it. So I'm jumping on for short spins and enjoying it and getting off and enjoying the thrill of where I've been and basking in the new knowledge and attempting to see how it can be put into practice in my boring little life. It seems with each spin - I come back feeling more in love with Jesus and more in love or at least more accepting of people.  Having come from a steps to achievement background, the thought of the Tree of Life of Kabbalah is a bit uncomfortable - maybe fearful it is another 10 steps of hard work to miniscule development.  In case anybody reads here the 10 steps called Sefirot are the attributes or emanations of God or how He reveals Himself to humans. If I know how God may reveal Himself, then it might be easier to not be startled if it happens but to remain open to receiving.

When I was married to the children's dad, we would laugh that when he opened his Bible, it was to Revelations and to study it based on US military weaponry and tactics and current events - my old Thompson Chain Reference KJV Bible I used back then has so many markings, I can hardly read the texts in the first few chapters of Genesis.  I would often open to Genesis to try to figure out why we were here and how it all happened. There was probably about 6 consecutive years we read through the full Bible as a family after supper. I am glad my children had that training - not only in Bible reading but in consistency of spiritual disciplines... even if it was often done in legalism and not in joy. 

I said that to point out that Genesis has always held a fascination for me. I feel it is starting to make sense and to be helpful in spiritual formation or Christian growth.

Back to the cherubs. According to one teacher (I've been listening and reading so many, I don't recall which one), said cherubs were baby angels and that was apparent in the Hebrew word. Of course, visions of Renaissance paintings of chubby, naked, dimply knee-ed babies with blonde curls and gossamer wings popped into my mind's eye.  Since Genesis was a Jewish book before it became a Christian book, I quickly switched the blonde cherubs to curly, black-haired, olive-skinned babies with wings - their happy, trustful and open facial expressions remained similar.

I got out my concordance and realized cherubs are mentioned three times.

(1) God put them to guard the Tree of Life in the Garden of Eden. I thought of Jesus teachings to come to Him as a little child - so to get back to the Tree of Life, the kiddie cherubs are a reminder of what I am becoming - childlike.  Yet, I bring my ego-driven self to the Tree where God chips them off and molds me into the image of His Son, my Saviour.

(2) He used gold cherubs to sit on the Ark of the Covenant that sat in the Holy of Holies and held the 10-commandments, Aaron's rod that bloomed, a jar of Mannah and the first scroll Moses wrote. I just realized there are types of shadows of Christ all over those items. Wow! There were also what I consider echoes of the cherubs designed into the curtains of the Tabernacle and the gold-covered walls of the Temple.

(3) Ezekiel's theophany.

For the past couple of years, I have been questioning the difference of dualism vs. peace or unity with God and trying to life in more peace and unity.  When I'm in a dualistic mindset, I am judging and evaluating everything. I don't need to judge, I need to discern - to hear God's heart directing me. As a post-Biblical literalist, I know Jesus sits on the White Throne judgment - humans, including me, don't. So why do I often revert to thinking I have to judge everything now? I struggle with trying to perceive and judge others motives, their accuracy, their humility, their doctrinal correctness, their lovingness, etc. Where did that come from? I finally think I've found the answer:

It came in the Garden of Eden when mankind chose to eat from the tree of dualism (good and evil). What if we would have nibbled at the Tree of Life instead?  The result of that choice could be pondered for weeks. But the point isn't how the would would have been better had we (as a species) not screwed up 6,000 years ago. The point is how do I stop that dualism in my own personal life? For me, the issue is two sided - how do I catch myself being dualistic when I don't have a template of what unity looks like? and how do I find a template of unity besides the glimpses of Jesus in the gospel?  The aspects of love in 1 Corinthians 13 helps some with a word template. But learning meditation and contemplation is very beneficial to me. Thank you Rev. & Mrs. Wesley & Stacey Campbell for your book about praying the Bible and how/why to begin this type of prayer; and thank you Father Gerald for being an example and mentor in beginning to incorporate lectio divina into my prayer life.

I was surprised to discover that some of the Kabbalist writers I've read call the two stages of silent prayer as meditation and unification. For where I am now, that makes sense - the blessed feeling God grants to feel united with Him and through Him with all He has created.

Back to those cute curly-haired cherubs. I know from Genesis they were protecting the Tree of Life from fallen man. I'm not sure what they were doing in Ezekiel's vision as I have read it many times (I love the mental visuals of the Theophanies), but I've never analyzed or studied it.

So back to Exodus where I've done some minimal studies in both the year in Bible College and in my own personal learning. Were the cherubs on the Ark of the Covenant there as decoration? I would have said yes and as a reminder of heaven (as I didn't think of cherub as baby angels back then but more as warring angels like Michael or possibly messenger angels like Gabriel).  So were they a pre-theophany to help Ezekiel wrap his vision into human words so it could be prophesied to the Hebrews? or is it possible the cherubs were on the Ark of the Covenant to protect the contents? 

One Christian Kabbalist said they were there to protect the 10-commandments, which were written on tablets of sapphire. Just as ego got in the way and Adam and Eve chose the tree of good and evil (judging and dualism); many people read the 10 commandments in a dualistic manner.  My first thought was how could they be read any other way then as doing them or not doing them - obedience or disobedience?  But what if they were not rules that earned us rewards or punishments (dualistic and ego driven); but were 10 items to point back to the Tree of Life and the 10 Siferot? My thoughts quickly ran to the Tree is a method to find unity with God, others and self - so the 10 commandments might really be a template that Jesus and the Shema summed up as love God and love others.  That gave me a template that I think will help me unstick from dualism.

Just as I was lead into meditation and praying the Bible because history shows it would have been the method Jesus was taught and what He used, I also wanted to discover what method of mysticism Jesus would have studied and learned. I'm a bit bowled over by what I am learning. Yet, I am cognizant that there is a centering that is spiritually beneficial or deep ends that lead me away from the truth. Having fallen off those deep ends through spiritual excesses (fundamentalism and later the greed Gospel where I was more interested in laying up treasures on earth than in heaven), I know I am susceptible to see (what my friend Jinn Bug) called "something shiny" and I'd go chasing after that instead of after God.

Jesus said He was the Way, the Truth and the Life.  Christian Kabbalists say that is shorthand:  The Kabbalistic Tree of Life is sometimes called the Way by Jewish scholars; the Truth is the scriptures and John tells us Jesus is the Word made flesh; and the Life is Jesus is eternal life thus part of the Trinitarian godhead.

One Christian Kabbalist believes Jesus wrote the Zohar; if so,it is sad that the book God's son wrote, has received such little acclaim. That doesn't mean I'm embracing it as such, I haven't even purchased a copy.  I'm still walking the grocery store and picking out spiritual food from the Kabbalah to help me join more closely with God through Jesus.

Enough rambling for today. It feels good to sort through a few of the points I'm reading. I'm a person in process - this loom exciting and big today; but as life ebbs and flows and I'm responsive to God - that may change tomorrow.  I have learned to accept this as part of who I am.

I've had several Epiphanies in my Christian maturation:

1) Coming to Christ at 3:30 AM on Saturday, October 11, 1975.
2) Baptism in the Holy Spirit two weeks later (didn't yet know what it was)
3) Discovered "Praying the Bible: The Pathway to Spirituality" and started praying like Jesus prayed and even using some of His prayers.
4) Discovered "Song of Songs" mostly through Rev. Mike Bickle but various other writers that gave me language to tell God how much I loved Him and to have language to understand His love for me.
5) Meditation and Contemplation - even though I was a reluctant starter and am still a novice.
6) Right now Kabbalah feels like it will be the next one on my list. I feel more spiritual energy percolating within me then I have for years. I can't wait to get up in the morning and learn and put into practice what I'm learning. I've been blessed with joy and peace for several years, but this dose of excitement added to it is very energizing.

Blessings to anybody who reads here.

Debbie

Reading: "Simple Kabbalah" by Kim Zetter (Part 2)

Chapter 4:  Understanding Genesis.


p. 98  By blocking out the distractions of the world, silencing the chatter in their heads, and focusing their attention on one thing, Kabbalist mystics were able to tap into a level of consciousness in which they could comprehend the divine truths or concepts that otherwise eluded them. 

I believe the same would be true today - focus devotedly on God and wait for Him to teach His truths. I think of the Bible verse, "Be still and know that I am God." from Psalms 46.10. 


p. 106  One of the first legends in Judaism is that God created the world through the letters of the Hebrew alphabet. Actually it says that 974 generations before God created the heaven and the earth.  He created the Torah, and through the Torah He then created the universe.  Through the letters of the Torah, he created all that exists in the Torah; thus He created Creation.  This is an area of Kabbalah called "letter mysticism." 

That is interesting but over my head except as a generalized  understanding: God created the universe through His Words.

p. 116  "Kabbalists believe that the story of Adam and Eve is an allegory for how the concept of duality became actualized in our world, and how the entire aim of Creation is to rejoin the parts into the one." 

Learning to see things as more then the surface story, i.e. Adam and Eve were real people in a real garden; but to go deeper to find the lessons available through the surface story is a new way of thinking for me. I like it as it adds more depth to my faith. I didn't realize the concept of duality would be in my writing again today after having written about it last night. I yearn for holistic, non-dual, non-separate life -- of being at one, at peace. For me that road-to-peace process started when I found peace with God through accepting Christ. But that doesn't mean I automatically have a non-dual peaceful thought life --- my propensity is to see things black/white, right/wrong, us/them. I want to grow out of that egocentric thinking pattern.

p. 119 and p. 120  "Other outside me to define me. I exist as me, because I am not you. Otherwise, without you, without something outside me, I am the whole world."  and "According to Kabbalists, God created in order to "know" Himself.  As we said about the infant, in order for her to fully recognize her identity there has to be someone outside herself. There is no relationship, and no realization of the self, without another. So God sent a part of Himself outside Himself in order to undergo a process of evolution and return to Himself a higher being, a being that knows himself..... God creates in order to know His own goodness...."

I can understand humans require "other" to know self... to learn the boundaries of where they end and the other begins; and then to learn to take responsibility for the self. I can't understand a sovereign God requiring the same or Him becoming more Himself.

p. 120 "While the consequence of the sin of Adam and Eve is a regretful one (there are no rewards or punishment in Kabbalah, only consequences), it is perhaps a necessary one. Unlike the traditional reading of the Bible, which places blame on Adam and Eve and straps us all with original sin before we're born, Kabbalists believe the soul needed to descent in order for it to evolve. The "punishment" was actually an act of love designed to elevate souls from a point of simple knowledge to conscious understanding (it's not just that I now; it's that I know I know). 

I find that interesting because I've read part of Matthew Fox's book, "Original Blessing" so the concepts have a framework to slightly understand the above. I am also starting to understand the difference of punishment and consequences which is a major departure for me from my Fundamentalist background.

p. 121  "The repenter is stronger than the person who is always righteous, because the repenter has had farther to climb back. He's had to batte impulses and overcome them, while the righteous has not even exercised a muscle." 

I really liked that. It reminded me of Jesus's story about the woman who washed his feet with costly perfume and dried his feet with her hair. He said, "her many sins have been forgiven. Her great love proves that. But whoever receives little forgiveness loves very little." (Luke 7:47 God's Word Translation).


p. 125 "Part of the repair work that we have to do, then, is to rejoin the physical and spiritual, to elevate the physical world to its former place of union with the spiritual.  The aim of Kabbalah is to teach us how to reconnect the two:  how to elevate the physical to the spiritual."

I like that. To me, that is one major way of growing in unity and overcoming dualism. Christ exemplifies that in three ways:  (1) by His Incarnation; (2) by His bodily resurrection; (3) by His promise to resurrect us not only spiritually but our dead bodies will be resurrected and we'll be given glorified bodies.

The lesson for me is to learn how to live that Incarnationel, rejoined life in this lifetime; to shed the dualism that so easily pulls me away from Christ and away from others and even shatters the bonds I have with myself.

Chapter 5: The Tree of Life

p. 134  "The word for Elohim, Kabbalists point out, is composed of a feminine singular root with a masculine plural ending, im." 

Very interesting.  After reading about Hebrew words that have gender, it made sense that English interpretations depict God as male since we have no gendered words or articles. I took part of a semester of French at Bethany College in Lindsborg, Kansas. I soon dropped out. Assigning gender to nouns was outside of my realm of practical. I could have cared less if I needed a feminine or masculine pronoun for table, chair or door. But those few weeks gave me enough understanding I could understand why English missed lots of the nuances of Hebrew or Greek.
 
p. 137  "Hochma on the human level represents pure, undifferentiated judgment. It is the act of living in the moment and of simply being aware of our place in the universe." 

I like that. I want to learn to live more in the now - to be aware of God now, not of the historical interactions of God and me or hopes for future interactions of God and me; but to be aware - t be alive to God in the current moment. Sitting in my rocker, I can sense the peacefulness of my home, the quietness of the area where I live, a tweet of a bird, the creaking of the rocker, the warmth of the room's heater, the bright gray of the sky shining in through the window. Sitting here quietly and not typing for a few moments, I could sense God's presence. I breathe in His love and exhale my love for Him. I am at peace. I love the times I am sitting in that awareness while a friend is talking - I can listen with empathy and not feel I need to have an answer ready, but can just inhale God's love and exhale my love for God and my love for my friend/s. 

The author mentions judgment. When I am at that loving place, the only judgment I can pass is love. I don't feel inadequate, scared, insecure or that I think I have or need all the answers. I can not judge my friend/s but just touch their humanity that they are so generously sharing with me.

I wish I could live there always; but I am grateful I know it is possible and God is slowly gifting me with that special place more frequently. I am happy. I am grateful.

p. 141  "Kabbalists call God in exile the Shekinah, the feminine presence of God. It is the queen exiled from her king, and exile persists for as long as the king and queen are not united. It was believed by the early Israelites that the Shekinal dwelled in the Ark of the Temple in Jerusalem.  But Kabbalists believe that, in essence, we are the Shekinah. The king is represented on the Tree by Tifert, the symbol of balance of harmony. Tiferet stands in the spiritual world while we stand in the physical one. Tifert and Shekinah were difided with the Fall of Adam and Eve. Therefore when Kabbalists speak of the union of Tiferet and Malkhut, they're talking about a symbolic union that expresses a desire to reunite the physical and spiritual worlds."

In case anybody reads this, Tifert and Malkhut are each one of the ten circles that diagram Kabbalah thought. Reading it out of that context makes it seem strange rather than a method to better understand the God of the Bible and ourselves in relationship with Him.

As I read that paragraph, it amazed me how it parallels my inner thoughts since having studied the "Song of Songs" about 8 years ago. That book is a beautiful example of God's love and longing for us; and how he awakens us to His love and eventually we're loving Him back and wanting to do things He would do and then discuss them with Him. Studying the "Song of Songs", to me is a beautiful pattern of Christian maturation process that opens our yearning for God and better understand Christ's yearning for us.

At one time my Christian walk was my desire to please God by rule-keeping. About 10 years ago (thanks to my godly 12-step sponsor) that started shifting to desire to know God intimately and personally - and living rules impeccably was secondary and dropping.  Yet, the more intimately and personally I know Him, the less I tend to sin and it seems I more easily see the motives that urge me to sin or to act holy - and, unfortunately, a some of the right things I do are motivated by my desire to serve Christ, but many are my own ego-centric needs trying to get met. Yet, the older I get the more eager I am to go to heaven and see my Heavenly Lover face to face and to enjoy relationships with those who were loved ones here - relationships that have the promise to not get bogged down in the ego needs that tend to boycott relationships here.

It seems odd, but there is a correlation between my desire for non-dual here that seems to grow at the same rate as my desire to be reunited fully with Christ at death.

p. 144 "The Tree of Life is a blueprint of us."  

The next two paragraphs are amazing in the scope of study that is encompassed in Kabbalah and how every aspect of humanity is represented in the tree.

p. 148  "Repair consists of two types: those that restore the world on the outside--on the physical level--and those that restore it on the inside--the psychological and spiritual levels.  The outside is repaired through thoughts, words and actions; the inside is repaired through deveoping spiritual awareness by study, meditation and prayer. If both types work together, there will be good done through conscious intention and awareness." 

I like action plans! Three steps to wholeness and  five steps to good relationships or 12-steps to recovery. These self-help plans have benefited me in the past. And they are beneficial as far as they go; but they seldom find balance between the inside and outside. Of course, God's plans are perfect and balanced - especially if we use His tools in a balanced way.

That takes me through Chapter 5. so I may take quotes from the rest of the book on another day.

Blessings to those who read here.

Thoughts on my Christian Walk - NonDualism and Metaphors

I spent several hours today watching sermon videos and reading Christian blogs. It seemed the overwhelming topic that stuck out to me was dualistic thinking v unitive or non-dualistic mind. I have been understanding this concept for a while but struggle with consistent non-dualistic thinking. I am joyful that I eventually catch myself and then stop petting my ego and looking down on others with dualistic (me vs them) thinking.

I realized today that as I switch from fundamentalism to liturgical, from dualistic to non-dualistic thinking that at times I've switched to a different set of criteria for reverting to dualistic thinking. I won't list the list of my egocentric thoughts; even though I just became aware that I have changed one set of criteria for another to continue to embrace dualistic thinking - even though I know how harmful it is to me, to relationships and especially to my relationship with God.

Jesus was non-dualistic. His teaching was beautifully non-dualistic and at times He even uses metaphors and parables that clash with what He said in other scripture. He's called the Prince of Peace - then says he brings a sword; He says He came to save all - then says he teaches in parables so people won't see or understand.  I know there are many more, but these two pop into my mind. To find any inner peace, I had to find intellectual sense to make them agree or put them into a framework so they would agree or pseudo-agree. I am learning to live with the dissonance and finding joy in the opposites written in Christ's red letters in my Bible.  Sometimes I wonder if God did that to teach me to trust Him even when my mind can't make sense of it; to help me learn faith is not by intellectual understanding but my trusting Him; and to remind me words are symbols of what they point to.

Example:  When I hear the words "Sports Car" what comes to my mind is a white 1994 Mazda Miata with optional hard top that I once owned - the joy of driving on the freeway late at night with the top down and my long hair pinned back so I didn't get a mouth full while driving - speeding around and changing lanes and listening to Christian rock or cool jazz while loving God in the freedom of speed.  I doubt if many people have a deep-seated sense of spiritual freedom or even being fully alive or fully abandoned to Christ when they hear the word "Sports Car".  Every word from baby-babble to a PhD candidate's discipline's vocabulary is a container for the dictionary meaning; however, it is much deeper than that - it carries all the knowledge, education, experience, emotion, hopes and desires that goes along with the word.

When hearing Biblical words, I have to remember they are more than the dictionary meaning, the interpreter's meaning (since I read the Bible in English) but include the denomination meaning, person's historical interpretation and all of the above list I mentioned in the last paragraph. It's no wonder no two people can interpret the Bible the same; in fact, it's a miracle that two people may even agree on any part of the Bible!

That's where metaphors and parables help me accept people even though they have very different interpretations of the Bible then I have. Even the words they tell me about their beliefs are containers for something deeper - for explaining not only what they believe but it also says a lot about who they are. It helps me remember I am a person in process and just because I believe something today - as I experience life and the Holy Spirit deals causing my beliefs and priorities to change that day by day,  how I interpret my faith and practice my faith will change. It's growth  -  scary but an adventure. There's times I like to study the Word from another frame of reference; it may help me grow and change my beliefs; or it may help me embrace stronger what I already believe - but overall, it seems to help me be more loving and accepting of those who hold different concepts of Christianity or different doctrines. Those God-ordained encounters help me grow in non-dualistic thinking and at my current place of faith - I feel God is wanting me, encouraging me and helping me shed the non-dualism as He creates the "mind of Christ" in me.  I am grateful He showed me I'd just changed a few of my dualistic, or thought areas of "me vs them" but was still in the ol' game of proving myself instead of enjoying myself, others and God.

Father God, deliver me from egocentric self who needs dualistic thinking to survive. Please deliver me from the need to be right or prove myself. Help me grow in the compassionate goal of loving others like Christ did. Help me remember when Jesus spoke strongly to those who he didn't agree with - it was done in compassion and not in judgment and help me remember I'm not called to judge or correct since I can't do it from a place of perfect love. Help me to offer a listening ear and compassion.  Amen.

Gratitude List

It's been a while since I've made a gratitude list. I've felt such gratitude welling up inside me - often into silence of God's peace and at times into God's joy - and maybe they are the same: gratitude, peace and joy from Father God.



Tonight I'm grateful for:

1. the warm day and the beautiful colours of leaves on the green grass 
2. my little cottage filled with solitude and peace
3. that my home is warm - physically and, to me, it wraps loving arms of welcome around me and guests.
4. my job that I like
5. my boss's compassion and helpful suggestions
6. that I produced a lot at work today
7. that I know God loves me
8. that I know God's freedom
9. for Richard Rohr's "Falling Upward" that has had such a powerful impact on my life
10. that Father Gerald taught me to meditate and contemplate
11. that I was ready to learn this blessed method of prayer when a teacher was available
12. for my Fundamentalist background
13. for the strength to move from that Fundamentalism into...I know not what to call it but it is such a wonderful place of liberty. It was not an easy transition; but it has helped me love God more and I hope that love spills over into loving others in a more Christ-like way.
14. for being a part of my mothers passing (although I missed the last 18 hours)
15. that Mom saw Rick and our son in heaven as she was rejoicing over the people waiting for her
16. for the vision I had in the airport before I left to be with Mom
17. that God always comes through - always, no exceptions, no errors, no doubts
18. that I am learning to be open to see God's grace more and more
19. that I know that in heaven not only do our physical disease end; but so does the things that held us back and we will ... (no word, but fly high may touch the edge of the word I don't know) in Him without anchors holding us down - anchors like self-doubts, fears, health, aging, limits.
20. that I am grasping a tiny bit of Kabbalah and feel so close to Jesus who would have been trained in this Jewish mysticism as a boy and young man. It helps me understand the gospels better and to feel I know Him better.
21. that I can laugh, unafraid of my deteriorating health - I've named my sick liver Olivia and know she has about 40 million viruses to be her friends and for a few days I've known she has new toys to play with - a lot of liver cysts, that she probably things are balls to play with. Anthropomorphizing my liver to playing with her wounds may seem silly - but it helps me mentally play with my future demise and make sense of it and set goals for the now. 
22. that suffering is a beautiful gift - hand-picked from God to season our life with subtle flavours of Christ-likeness. Yet, I'm not suffering - I'm rejoicing. I could be distraught and angst-laden but I have peace and joy - what a wonderful gift. Yet, even if I would mentally or physically suffer with this disease, God would use it to work all things out to my good (Rom 8.28).
23. that I have grown past the thought of fighting for healing and have come to love resting in God's never-failing arms with abandoned trust... without guilt or shame for choosing that path. In the light of eternity - just resting in Him makes more rational and spiritual sense to me then in spending the rest of my life fighting aging, the devil, sickness or anything. One thing... (Ps 27.4)
24. that God has taught me the joy of suffering - not that I seek suffering, in fact it's hard to notice suffering when joy is the predominant emotion. 
25. that the handy-man will do some maintenance things around the house tomorrow - this is a big blessing because he now works full time but will make room in his busy schedule to help me. I'm so blessed because some things I don't know how to do and some things I'm not strong enough to do. Praise God!
26. for my four friends who I know I can telephone day or night and you'll be there for me - and I know it is reciprocal. I am so blessed. 
27. for this joy that doesn't stop - at times I wonder what I did to deserve it, and realize there is nothing in my life I could have done good enough to get this much joy; so I count it God's grace and am overwhelmed but grateful. 
28. for music
29. for my new Christian instrumental CD with lots of saxophone. I remember loving to hear Dad play the sax and listening to this tape, touches deep places where God is palpable and although I'm laying on the sofa resting, my spirit is worshiping God by dancing around the room.
30. that I have a heart of gratitude - must have been a gift from God as my natural response to life was worry, fear and resentment, but gratitude is a much more restful response.
31. for God's love

Amen.

US Secret Service and Sacrificial Living

Romans 5: 7-8 "We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him."  (The Message Version)

May seem an odd topic to have pondered over the last few days, but I watched a documentary on the US Secret Service who are trained and willing to die for the US President.  That made me wonder who I would be willing to put my life on the line for:  my sons, my grandchildren, my niece and her children, Pope Francis and the current Dalai Lama. It's a fairly small circle in comparison to the 6 billion people in the world. I wish it was larger. I am grateful it's not a list of 0, but it does let me see that I have major room to grow as a Christian.

Although the circle is small of who I would die for; I'm more than willing to use this "earth suit" to help others after my demise. One of my disappointments is when I die that my organs can't be donated to save other lives; neither can my body go to science to train young people to become MDs; nor have I ever been able to donate blood. I have found an organization in the US who will accept my brain as a donation to help learn about brain injuries for athletes who need them so badly they aren't picky! ;)  I am grateful for that.

1 John 3.16 says, "Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren."

I want to learn to live more sacrificially; but I don't have a 21st century model of how that looks for an older woman in frail health.  It will be an adventure, I'm sure. God loves to keep life moving forward and adding excitement.

Reading: "Simple Kabbalah" by Kim Zetter (Part 1)

Today I finished reading a book on a topic that has interested me since high school,  Kabbalah. I became interested because of the similarities of my last name to this practice. As I read the book, I realized I was right on time - not 45 years late as the calendar may show from the time I had interest until I was ready to read about Kabbalah, or Jewish mysticism.

As I read the book, I had to return to view the author - so much of the information was almost identical to what I'd read and began to love about Richard Rohr's teachings. They were concepts I was not ready to read until I had matured in my faith - started my second stage of life. Slightly different language, but a new depth of understanding to the spiritual and Biblical truths I already embrace.

I not only was pleasantly surprised how the teachings mirror Rohr's teachings, but it helped me understand what Jesus was saying.

Here's a graphic of the Kabbalah Tree of Life. http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/d/d5/Ktreewnames.png/288px-Ktreewnames.png 

Now I'll give some quotes from the book and comments.

Chapter 1:  What is Kabbalah?

p. 1  "What is Kabbalah?  Nothing short of an answer to the questions of our universe and the ages.  More specifically, Kabbalah is the mystical, esoteric side of Judaism that delves into a deeper understanding of the Hebrew Bible (or Old Testament) beyond its literal interpretation to provide us with information abut the soul; the nature of God, Creation, and the spiritual world; and about our individual relationship to God and each other." 

The book explains how Kabbalah is traced back to Moses when he was on the mountain receiving the 10 commandments; and possibly what Moses received was a fuller revelation then what Moses had been taught through tradition from the patriarchs. Through the centuries (millennium?) Kabbalah had times of greater popularity and times only a few were interested in its study.

p. 12  "Just as we are composed of an inner and outer layer--the physical and the spiritual--so, too, is the Torah (i.e. first 5 books of the Old Testament).  The narrative Torah is the outer layer, while Kabbalah is the inner layers."

p. 14  Kabbalah masters...had a strong foundation in the literal interpretatios before they embarked on the spiritual journeys that led them to the knowledge of Kabbalah."

p. 18 "...four levels on which we can read and interpret the Torah:  the literal meaning, the metaphorical meaning; the allegorical; and the secret or esoteric."

I have been wanting to learn new ways, besides literal, to discover deeper truths in the Bible - so it sounds like this might be a method. But one book is certainly not enough information to decide if this is a method for me. As I checked online, I found many occultists have adapted the Kabbalah to their teachings, too. Thus if I feel led this direction, I will have to use discretion and possibly spiritual direction to assure I don't derail my faith.

p. 20  "Further to these four levels of reading the Torah, the work also has, according to tradition, "seventy faces, meaning that spread among these four levels are seventy possible interpretations of the text. Think about the complexity of this." 

It sounds a bit overwhelming.  But it seems it would shove me out of black/white thinking if I accepted there was 70 interpretations and each one was as valid as the next. What a door to greater acceptance of self and others - to unity..... to shed the legalism that so easily trips me.

p. 25  "The purpose of Kabbalah is to teach us that there is a deeper truth to life and to bring us closer to God.  The story of Genesis was not given to us to satisfy our curiosity, it was given to us to teach us the path from which we came, and thus to give us a map back to the source."

As I begin to know my Source (God through Jesus Christ), the better I know myself, accept myself, value myself and the greater propensity I have to know, value and accept others without trying to change them.... but trust God to change them in His timing. As I read the book, I could see Kabbalah would impact every part of life - from time management, emotions, intellect, relationships, ecology, compassion, giving, sexuality, etc. It seems very thorough - but what else would I expect from something that could be a help in redemption - of setting things (me since that's my locus of control) closer to God. Scripture to support that premise: "work out salvation with fear and trembling."

p. 28 "It [Kabbalah] is about living a conscious life, and this is an ongoing, lifelong process."

I've heard this from my priest - maybe in different words, but the concept. My interpretation: living  aware of God in me, and God in the other - and honouring that. Not walking on auto-pilot and living by rote.

Chapter 2:  A Brief History of Kabbalah

p. 32 "Some Kabbalists suggest that the coat of many colors that Joseph received from his father and of which his brothers were envious was actually a metaphor for the secret teachings of God that Jacob passed to his favorite son." 

p. 38  "... about Ezekiel's account. The suggestion that God might be found anywhere by anyone who had the skills to reach him.  God was accessible through a power that we possessed, if only we could learn how to develop it." 

In the New Testament, we know we can do that through Christ, but to have come to that conclusion 1,000 years before Christ shows an enlightenment that surprised me - I knew King David  had reached that knowledge, but hadn't thought of other Old Testament personalities who shared in that truth.

p. 40  "This is knowledge that cannot be obtained through mundane intellectual study.  It comes only through deep meditation, through releasing the rational nature and allowing the spiritual nature to soar in the realms of the divine." 

In just my few years as a novice meditator on the Word of God, I can see the wisdom and practicality of the above statements. What is so wonderful, is it's simple and do-able and, for this woman who struggles with legalism, meditation can't be done wrong!

The next part I'll just summarize.  Just as chemistry has discovered bonds that hold electrons, neutrons and protons together, Kabbalah sees the Hebrew letters in words similar to the periodic chart. The letters tie together spiritual principles the same way elements are held together. It's like spiritual understanding paved the way to scientific understanding.

Chapter 3:  Some Key Principles of Kabbalah

I often said, "Oh" and "Aaah" as I read this chapter. The concepts were easy to understand since I was taught by my father when I was a child to see God in science and in nature.

According to this chapter, the equivalent of black holes were already a spiritual concept centuries before scientists found them and named them. Instead of using quotes, I'll summarize my understanding.  When God chose to create, everything was filled with himself - so he had to contract himself to have a space to create something new - what we call Creation. One example the author used was taking a square piece of paper and cutting a round circle in the middle - then cutting the circle portion into tiny stars until all the pieces were star shaped - then putting them back in the circle. Another example given was breathing - God inhaled part of who he was so he could exhale creation - all was his breath.

p. 82 "It is as if God sucked in a part of the light that was Him, and then blew out a smaller stream of it.  The black space created is at the center of the universe and into this space the emanation is sent.  Recall that Arthur Waskow suggested that the name of God, YHWY, is the sound of breath.  God 'breathes' the letters of his name into the emptiness to create the universe."

Rohr and my priest often teach the last half of the above paragraph; however, I love the deeper (to me) understanding of black space and creation being part of the God-breath, especially when I inhale and exhale His wonderful name. Although it may be an anthropomorphism, I think of God breathing now - still creating, still breathing more life into me (and you, dear reader) since each of us is one of His creations. I like the thought of when I meditate that God's exhaled breath is my inhaled breath, and as I exhale, he inhales it. It's probably that way when I'm not aware or not meditating - but just how spirituality works. 


As the author discusses breathing in and out - or stepping back and moving forward, she says on page 84:  [stepping back and forward]..." led Kabbalists to the concepts of sinning and making mistakes as steps toward redemption and renewal."  

I hadn't thought like that. Yet, in hindsight I can see each sin and mistake has brought me to a new level - of self awareness, self-denial or God-awareness and grace. This "narrow path" is often meandering through the mountains and valleys and not straight or easy.    

p. 93 "For Kabbalists, Creation is not a question of Darwin or God, but of Darwin and God. They see no contradiction between the two paths.  As far as they are concerned, scientists and theologians are describing the same events. Scientists are describing Creation as it occurred on the material level--involving measurable energy forces and matter--and theologians are describing Creation as it occurred on the immaterial level - the source behind those energy forces and matter." 
_______________________

That's the first three and now it's time to decide if I want supper or to just go to bed and sleep.   I'll comment on a few more chapters in the next few days.  

Blessings to those who read here. 

Anger and Hell

Two topics that are floating around my brain:

ANGER:

The anger seems it is related to the amount of energy I feel. Some is probably the anger of the grief cycle of Mom's death, so I acknowledge it as such and am trying to look deeper into myself to see what I need to bring to God to heal. On the physical front, after 3 months of on and off of antibiotics for rotten teeth, and spending hundreds of dollars to get referred to dentists who may or may not remove the offending teeth - I am weary. I feel no closer to finding a dentist who has hospital privileges so he/she can administer the platelets I require before surgery. The latest hope is an oral surgeon who comes from Nova Scotia. Unfortunately, the gov't has drastically reduced dental surgery under socialized medicine - it is unclear if I'll have to pay for the day in the hospital and buy the blood products and will probably have to pay $150 per tooth (12 teeth need removed which means upper dentures). I want local anesthetic, so at least I won't have to pay for an anesthesiologist. This run-around, this potential financial burden, this frustrating not knowing is adding to my anger. I just want to feel as good as possible at this stage of life - and with this infection from my teeth that has gone to my sinus and lungs, I am weary - so very weary.


DOCTRINE OF HELL:

I've been googling "History of the Doctrine of Hell" because I heard a place of eternal damnation was not part of the first century church or part of Judaism. It seems what I heard agrees with Bible scholars. The words gehenna, tartarus and sheol had the connotation of being purified while on earth to help us mature - think Malachi 3.3. It seems logical to me because had Jesus changed the understanding of the afterlife from what it had been during the millennium of Judaic doctrine, it seems logical he would have been very specific in defining and explaining that change. I could delineate some of the scholarly and practical reasons why I think mankind created hell, but as I "try out" this doctrine to see if it's the path God has for me as I learn to rightly divide the Truth of his Word, My first thought is I know I love God because He loves me but my second thought is how much more I love a God who is so magnanimous in his loving that He offers forgiveness to those who don't accept Him, worship Him, or worship other Gods or even ask Him for forgiveness. It compels me to love God more and to want to cling closer to Him. It would feel so beautiful to fall at the feet of the Lord, cast my crown at His feet and know that there is not people He is punishing with eternal damnation - but that He was Victor in all things - even over unrepentant sinners. It feels glorious to think of heaven without thinking of those who are in eternal torment being punished by a God who tells us He is a God of love.

Immigration, Families & Grieving

I have felt quite angry lately. I don't even like to spend time with myself because of my poor attitude. I realize anger is a part of grieving and I must be grieving. It was two weeks ago today that Mom died and I have not had a deep, boo-hoo, hiccup-making cry yet. May or may not - time will tell. There are many times that I think of something humorous that happened that I'd like to tell her next time we talk on the phone; then I remember she can no longer hear well enough to hear me on the phone; then I remember she isn't near a phone. I laugh at myself because I know it will take a while to adapt to the new change. Yet, I know she was ready to go and she's with Dad and I'm happy for her and him and for Jesus who orchestrated the whole thing. 

Yet, I know in heaven she knows and she is known. (1 Cor. 13.12 - "I shall fully know, as also I was known")  I believe she now fully knows me and fully accepts me. That was not possible when she was on earth. It gives me comfort and joy to experience that now. I am happy for that. I am happy for her that she is now known by God and accepted fully.  I love the story of the prodigal son and am reading Henri Nouwin's book, "The Return of the Prodigal." Fully loved and accepted - whether the returning prodigal or the stay-at-home bitter older son. Both are loved and accepted. So am I. I feel accepted by God - just as I am... a little bit younger son and a little bit older son included in my character.

I have become dissatisfied with my life. I love when I recognize that gentle, inner gnawing that makes me uncomfortable and dissatisfied; because it is God's way of growing me up. I no longer fear those times of mild or intense dissatisfaction because I know the rewards of growth will become great. (I just re-read the Beatitudes and they fit here beautifully.)

I was mentally itemizing what things might be annoying me and can be changed to grow me into greater life satisfaction. It hit me in church - like a ton of bricks.  I love my church family and feel accepted and loved; the people's unconditional love and acceptance has given me the courage and strength to grow. I am grateful for Father Gerald who has touched my life with that type of love... which doesn't mean he can't be a burr under my saddle at times... yet I try to pass on to others the Christ-like, brotherly love he's shown me. Okay, so I have a terrific church. Hallelujah! But that's only a few hours on Sunday for 4-5 months a year and more the other 7-8 months - so that means I can't expect my church activities to meet that need to accept and be accepted. Although that helps meet my need for belonging, there is still a big gap in filling that need.  I think that will be the growth - how to feel I belong when it's sporadic and very transitional; or what can I do to fill the gap, even with my limited energy?

The first thought was take in foster children and give them a place to feel accepted and where they belong (at least temporarily).  I don't think my health or age would allow that.I doubt if I'd meet the requirements for such a responsibility.

Next thought was finding a partner.  Then I laughed at myself. Not because I'm against remarriage, but hunting for an intimate, rest-of-my-life relationship so I feel I belong would be the wrong motive. I won't do that to me or some man.  It's an unrealistic expectation to place that "make me feel I belong" onto one person. What a weight to expect one person to carry. No way! A few days before she passed, Mom said her and Dad had discussed me and they were hoping I would remarry - parental pressure from the grave, eh? That's left me a bit confused since Mom was so against that after I divorced 5 years ago. It's a moot point since there's nobody I'm interested in or that has shown interest in me. I'll let God figure it out and I'll remain open to God.  Most of the time, I'm very content solo; I have a few good women friends who are there for me and I feel very blessed.

Next thought was finding ways to connect with my children. When both sons and 8 of my 10 grandchildren were together at Mom's bedside, it was so wonderful to have extended family near. Sharing history, enjoying laughter, comforting each other, nursing Mom and getting reacquainted.  I miss that long-term connectedness so much.  It was the first time my two sets of grandchildren met each other and they had a blast. Two of the little girls cousins enjoyed dance and were having a terrific time talking about that and dancing around the common room at the rest home - to the smiles of the residents. The boy and one girl cousins enjoyed art and they were busy making posters for my mother and others.  The teen girl was practicing her ASL (American Sign Language) with one of the deaf residents. The toddler was enjoying the attention of being the only preschooler. My two daughters-in-law were talking like old friends. My niece, her partner and her oldest daughter were there and I gained a greater respect for the compassion, intuition and giving that Gypsy ministered to others - took my breath away. What a powerful woman.  I discovered her partner, Patrick, is a wonderful man and see why my niece is crazy-in-love with him.  It was so wonderful to be a part of it all. It was amazing to watch the dynamics between people develop and grow.  Because of our grief, we were able to put down the defenses and walls and be there for each other in new ways. I am so very grateful for that time. That healing time.  As my sister said, even in her death, Mom was still teaching us.

I love living here, but there are times I miss family so much I can hardly stand it. If the US government doesn't increase the retirement age, in four more years I'll be eligible to come back to the US. That means all but two grandchildren will be teens. I will have missed their infant through childhood years and have almost-adult grandkids. I love children and wanted a dozen; but I love my two sons deeply and I'm grateful God chose them to grow next to my heart and in my heart and in my life. I love them very much. But they are so far away. It is so hard to stay close so far away. It is hard to stay connected when they are busy with their families of 5 children each (so far) and working on their MBA degrees while working full time. I'm grateful they want to continue to grow educationally - they learned that from me! I'm not complaining, just stating the time constraints and respect that as I know their families are priority - and I taught them that. It's great to see that happening - they are both wonderful daddies... the youngest quit work for several years to be the stay-at-home-daddy. They are awesome men and picked compatible wives.

Like I usually do when something is upsetting, I read about it, study it, figure out what it's about and then experience it. I was surprised to read there is grieving after immigration and it hits missionaries particularly hard. I'm obviously not a missionary; but a woman who followed her heart to an island that has it's own national culture (as it was it's own country until 1949); but the island somewhat shares the same English language but some dialects and words are still confusing to me. Yes, it was an adjustment but I adapted to the changes when I arrived out of my love for ex. After his betrayal, I had to remain here because I am unable to get health insurance nor am I able to work full time if a company could hire and insure me in the US. One thing Obamacare has done is lowered the pre-existing disease to 12 months, so I'd only have to wait a year after working full time to be insured and hope my disease didn't flare up and I'd lose everything I've worked for to pay the medical bills; but I don't think I am able work 40 hours a week, thus, I'm not eligible for insurance.  That means Canada is home for 4 more years minimum or whenever I'm eligible for US old-age health insurance. 

I've often tried to look at the bright side:  at least living 4,313 KM away, I can't be accused of being a meddling mother-in-law. So that is the silver-lining blessing. It's 3,722 KM from where I live to London, England. OMG, I'm a long way away and I didn't bring Toto with me on this yellow-brick road.

I am done grieving the loss of my exes, my children, my US citizenship, my health, etc... but I haven't grieved not getting to dandle grand babies on my knee. Seeing them for a few days a year just isn't enough to carve a relationship or have sleep-overs. So, I need to grieve that loss and maybe that will help me figure out how to grieve for Mom.

I miss my offspring.  I miss my beloved niece.  I miss I didn't have the chance to know my great-nieces.Yet, I live in the age of e-mail, phones, flights - and I know in my grandmothers' time, women left their homes to travel to other countries or other parts of the country when they may only get to share a letter every few years. I know I need to grieve; but I know I am blessed, too.

I don't know what God is growing in me; but first I will grieve and I trust He will show the next step. I pray it brings me into feeling greater belonging and connectedness - to not feel so isolated or alienated. I talked to Mom about that once.  She said from age 47 when dad died until she turned 70 and her co-workers and friends' husbands start to die like flies, then she finally felt greater  acceptance by other widows/women. She said single mature women are alienated which is why many rush out and remarry so they will be socially accepted.  That is comforting and discomforting.  That may mean 7 more years; and it means grief and pain for others as they adjust to losing a loved one; but it is comforting that I may not always feel so alienated. Or maybe God will teach me to feel belonging even if it's on such a sporadic basis. I will continue to trust Him to lead me on the journey that He has planned for my good.

Well, that's a vulnerable blog entry. A bit more self-disclosing then I'm really comfortable with. But it is where I am right now.

Gone From My Sight

Gone From My Sight
by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

 

______________________________________

I figure there are two ways to go with today's entry: about Mom's life, or processing my loss.  The song I am compulsively listening to and celebrating Mom's passing is "Great is the Lord" by Maranatha. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaOIdhPLqeQ (male voices) or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMwi86QVMTQ (female lead - my favourite).  I know Mom's been wanting to go home to heaven for at least 15 years and has talked about it often with hope and joy. She has not had an easy life, but seldom complained. With the two new breaks in her spine and the pain she's had for 70 years since her first broken back - there is no way I could want her back to endure more pain. The main thing I've heard her complain about is her advanced age meant she had so many more people to grieve and that was becoming a burden. She lost her dad at age 7 and got sick during his funeral and ended up living apart from her mother and brother for almost a year while her mother's friends nursed her back to health. She lost her best friend who was pregnant, her friend's husband and her boy friend in the car wreck that broke her back as a young lady, next she lost her beloved step-father Bob, followed in a few years by my birth and having to leave me at the hospital for a month while she went home until I was big enough to survive life out of the incubator, a year later she lost her mother who had lived with them for several years.  A few years later she lost her her husband and was left with two pre-teen girls, funeral expenses and hospital bills.  Yet, she plugged away, held tight to God and saw the cup of life as half full. I remember some of the miracles we saw as God provided; once there was no money for groceries so she got out the guest book from Dad's funeral to read all the names of people who had loved him and found a $20 bill - enough for a few weeks groceries back then.

One time I told her how hard it was to be single in a couples' world. She laughed and doled out some of her common-sense, practical advice:  "Just hang in there; when you reach your early 70s, other women's husbands will start dropping like flies and then you'll get the deep friendships you need and desire." She said the first 20 years after Dad's death the isolation of being single in a coupled world had been very hard for her. Another "momism" that was instrumental in my parenting was when my oldest was going through his terrible two's and he'd tried my patience all day, "Honey, if you can't control him when he's 2 and you can pick him up, what are you going to do when he turns 14 and borrows the car keys?"  Another that was beneficial was after a day when I'd threatened my child punishment several dozen times, and Mom gently said, "Debbie, do you realize how many times you've told your son there would be punishment and he didn't get punished?  What you've really taught him is that it's okay to lie." I know there were many more, but that's the ones that come to mind today.

I'm sure I'll be blogging more about Mom in the next few weeks as I process her death. 

________________________

After a complimentary upgrade to executive class for the last leg of the journey back to Newfoundland, I arrived, 2 hours late, bone-tired, rain-drenched and glad to be in my own bed; but sad because I wouldn't be there to share Mom's home-going and frustrated because my disease hinders me from travel medical insurance of longer than 2 weeks. It's too dark to see my yard from my car; but during a break in the rain, I carry my sopping wet bags into the house, check e-mail, call my sister at the care facility to assure her I arrived home safely.  I lecture her to follow the direction of the hospice care team who told us how important it is that we take time off, use volunteers to sit with Mom so she can get adequate sleep, rest and just re-energized for the demanding work of sitting and waiting and loving and caring and remembering. 

Moms are always Moms. About 20 minutes after Pat tells Mom that I'm home safely, she passes to heaven gently in her sleep... knowing her youngest child is home safely.  Pat says she just stopped breathing. She died like she lived: no fuss, no muss, no drama. Continuing to teach her children through her death and even now as we process it.

I am grateful for the most marvelous slumber party with us "girls."  Mom, Pat, Gypsy and me. It was my night to hold Mom's hand and Pat and Gypsy's night to do some Mother-Daughter fun; plus Pat would get to sleep in a bed instead of in the chair or a thin mat on the floor.  Pat and Gypsy had attended an outdoor theatre of Les Miserables and had a wonderful time.  I texted them just as it was over (God's perfect timing) Gypsy drove Pat straight there at midnight. I'm so grateful for this holy slumber party. Mom laid in bed and talked to us, talked to Dad, talked to her mother and others who had gone before. We laughed, we joked, we sang old hymns, we sang songs Mom had sung to us as children. We cried. We held each other. We talked about the now, the past and the future - things seen and things unseen. We let Mom know she was such a good Mom that we knew we were strong enough to live our life without her tender care. We played peek-a-boo. We were loud. We were quiet. We were comfortably and companionably silent. The staff did the minimum to give us this wonderful time together uninterrupted. Nobody complained about the noise. Pat even tried to start a pillow fight. We prayed together, and Mom shouted "Amen, amen and amen" at the end - the loudest her voice had been since I arrived.  That opened a round of the spiritual song "A-men, A-men, A-men, A-men." before Pat and Gypsy left shortly after 2:30 AM. It was a wonderful, blessed, bonding time of pure grace from our heavenly Father.  Thank you, Father God, for this time of healing and bonding; I know it's a beautiful love gift you granted us girls. 

__________________________

Father Gerald often talks about Christ in us the hope of glory; and how we are in Christ. He has often said how important knowing that truth is when we lose a loved one to death. He says that person may be closer to us in death then they were in life - because we are both part of the body of Christ.  Father Peter was presiding today's mass.  I tried to arrive a few minutes late, so I could sneak in and not have anybody ask me how Mom was - because (1) I didn't want to cry in public and (2) Sunday is about Christ and not about me.  Donna was the first I saw and she asked and held me.  Father Peter was presiding and ready to start of the liturgy but waited a second to ask me. He said at the prayer before the readings that today's liturgy would be dedicated to Mom.  That meant a lot to me.  His homily was about the Lord's prayer and he talked about how some people who are our nemesis are gifts from God to help us grow and to help us pray. (not in the beautiful context it was presented but my rough synopsis). As the liturgy proceeded, I started to sense Mom's presence as part of the body of Christ and the unity that is found in Him. It was very comforting and reassuring.  As some dear friends took me out to dinner after church, I realized ... well, I'll start a new paragraph and put it into context.

If you're female and have been through the terrible two's or through puberty - then you understand the "mother as a nemesis" thoughts. Some of us let go of that mind-set easier then others. I won't say Mom was a perfect mother or I was a perfect daughter - I want to remember her for who she is with her gifts and her faults recognized because those are what made her unique and herself.  One of the things she said on the slumber party night was, "Ory told me all the horrible things you've been through and I had no idea about them or what a strong and courageous woman you'd become."  That night Mom started to see me for who I am (warts and all) and I started to see her for who she is. We dropped our own neediness, wants, agendas, expectations and hurts; something new was placed inside me and I presume her. A gift from God; a gift of healing and restitution.

Like the above poem.... she is an object of beauty and strength. 

I'm honored to be her daughter.  I'm honored she lives in the unity of the Spirit - in Christ, Christ in her, and both in me. 

I wish I could call you and tell you, Mom. But I know you know.

Rude Phone Call That Brought Insight & Healing

I wanted to blog about something that happened last night and my delayed response from this morning.

I have a last name that isn't very common. I've looked at both Canada and US people search engines and often the names listed have given names that are quite different then traditional Western names. To give examples, I looked again today and quickly found these given names:  Fatouma, Zeeshan, Blerim, Diaka, Makoya, Souleymane, Sekou, Hassan, Rameez, Sekou, Yaya, Kerfala, Gulamali, Ibis, Shqipe, Mohamed, Saibou, Ajfer,  Abakar, Adama, Ai, Almas, Badrudin, Yared, Sitan, Kasamali, Moussa, Nabil, etc.   Thus it's not surprising that every few months I will receive a phone call from somebody telling me about a mosque that is starting, or a Muslim event politely asking if I have interest.  I'm usually polite and friendly and thank them for the information.

I received a phone call last night. I found it belittling, annoying and a time-waster. At first, the man refused to talk to me, he wanted to talk to the "man of the house."  Of course, this not only sets off my anti-feminine button; but it also makes me question my safety. I threw caution to the wind and said, "I am the head of this house" .which doesn't say I live alone, but hints that way.  Maybe next time I'll say, "He can't come to the phone...." and so I'm not lying state under my breath "because he doesn't exist."


Then the man on the phone tells me that I need a man to teach me the Koran. Then he says in a very condescending manner that his group could teach me. His prideful sexism and  just oozed through his vocal inflections with mega-condescension; and I could tell his invitation was part of a script and not offered with anything but dutiful scorn. I thanked him and quickly hung up. It bothered me but I couldn't state why I was annoyed. I've been treated rude before by nameless people on telephones and I didn't have that gut-level reaction.

I knew it wasn't because of him being Muslim because Greg and I had a young Muslim man I taught with to our house for meals several times when we lived in Tulsa. We even had a young gay man stay at our home almost every weekend one spring when he was in university. It seems there was some flak from a few friends who were purists who thought Christians never should befriend anybody until they became homogenous to our denomination's beliefs. But, back to the story.

I was using the weed whip in anticipation of mowing. The rude conversation returned to my mind and I'd try to shake it off. I thought it wasn't worth a second thought. Forgive and move on works great for these little offenses.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Wham.

I felt the same way when the man was rudely belittling to me on the phone as I felt back in the early 70s when people would come to my door or stop me on the street or be a pest at my work desk and start telling me I was going to hell if I didn't accept Jesus. I use to get the giggles at Rick (may he rest in peace) who'd say to them with the same amount of disdain:  "I would not want a religion where I'd have to become an unloving, self-righteous prig like you." I agreed with Rick.

It was through two couple's love, acceptance, taking time for me, listening to me, asking gentle but probing questions, their humour and their love that I eventually came to want Christ in my life.  My theory of evangelism is similar: "Make a friend, be a friend, bring your friend to Christ."

There was one time I went door-to-door witnessing and I hated every minute of it. I liked being part of the group that went; but inside my gut was churning and my mind was yelling "wrong, wrong" - which I now believe was the Holy Spirit directing me to stop the self-righteousness bullying of others. I believe in evangelism, but I don't believe in pushy, better-than-you evangelism - even if the pushy person thinks he/she is doing it from a place of love.  I know that some people think the apostles witnessed that way, but I don't see it when I read my Bible.  There are a few accounts of public preaching - and had that been the norm, I doubt if they would have made it into the Word. Most of the New Testament talks about worshiping in small home groups or at synagog. Public preaching isn't bad, in my opinion; people have the right to join and listen and move on or to not stop and listen - its not hindering their free choice. But knocking on somebody's door, bugging them on the phone, cornering them at a store or hanging over their work space is a form of religious bullying and shouldn't be tolerated.... by Christians, Muslims or any other religion.

I was glad I was able to not negate the emotions the phone call called forth last night; they helped me see the unity of the right-wing no matter what denomination or even religion a person chooses. Maybe teams composed of all religions should go together when they go door knocking - at least it would give people options instead of negating their uniqueness by robbing them of their individuality.

Having said all that: I do believe Jesus is fullness of God incarnate, and He is the only way for human kind to enter that fullness.  But let's treat people respectfully when we tell them, after all:  God gave us two ears and one mouth for a good reason.  Christ treated people with respect and dignity; there is no example where he cornered anybody and tried to push his beliefs on them - he was loving and waited for them to come to him.

Count the Cost

Count the Cost

Do I recognize I've paid a cost to be a Christian?

June 30, 2013

Today my priest preached on the cost of discipleship. At breakfast Bible study, I said I could not think of any cost associated with following Christ. Maybe I am not understanding the word "cost" accurately.  After church I talked to him a few minutes and he suggested I think about it because there is a cost associated with following Christ.  I agreed to do so and this short study is my introductory journey into understanding what my cost has been to follow the Lord. The gospel reading was from Luke 9. 51-62 and the discussion was mostly on the three examples:  (1) vs 58 "And Jesus said unto him, Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head."  (2) vs 60 "Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God." and (3) vs 62 "And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."

Several people at the study said the third one was an especially hard saying. I will start by looking at various online information and commentaries to better understand this text in it's 1st century context.

Comments on vs 58, "And Jesus said unto him, Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head." 

"The saying refers to the continuing hardship and loneliness involved in following the Son of Man."  - F.F. Bruce

"But Jesus said to him - First understand the terms: consider on what conditions thou art to follow me." - Wesley

Comments on v60, "Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God.":

"I'm hoping Jesus is saying: Make sure that following me is what guides all that you do. Don't put me aside to go bury your father; make following me guide you as you bury your father" - David Ewert

"They are best taken to mean "Leave the (spiritually) dead to bury the (physically) dead”—there are people who are quite insensitive to the claims of the kingdom of God, and they can deal with routine matters like the burial of the dead, but those who are alive to its claims must give them the first place."   - F.F. Bruce

Comments on v 62, "And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God."  

Note: Elisah was plowing with oxen when Elijah called him to follow. "Elijah was a very important person, outstandingly engaged in the service of the God of Israel, but he offered no objection to Elisha’s taking time to bid his family and friends farewell in a suitable manner. But the business of the kingdom of God, on which Jesus was engaged, was much more urgent than Elijah’s business and brooked no such delay. Once again it is evident that, in Jesus’ reckoning, family ties must take second place to the kingdom which he proclaimed." - F.F. Bruce (cf. 1 Kings 19:19–21)

"the plowman who looks back will not  drive a straight furrow."  - F. F. Bruce

Overall Quotes:

'The most difficult choices in life are not primarily between good and evil, but the most difficult choices in life are between what is good and what is best.' - George Caird

Next is to find the definition of cost from my Bible dictionaries:

From Strong`s:  (to devour); expense (as consuming): - cost.   

 Unfortunately, the word "cost" is only used once in the New Testament so it is difficult to grasp the meaning. Luke 14:28  "For which of you, wanting to build a tower, doesn't first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? "  When Jesus called me to follow Him, at 3:30 am on Saturday morning, October 11, 1975, there was only joy and weeping - no time to stop and count the cost or even consider what following Christ meant. I was compelled to be drawn by that love. I wasn`t knocked to my knees like Apostle Saul (Paul); but I was knocked off my high horse and was beautifully humbled before my new Lord and King. Marvelous, Mystical and Miraculous. Two weeks later when the emotional and spiritual high of meeting Christ was starting to wane, God gave me a vision of Christ on the cross, robed in His splendorous white robes, His face shining with love. Without words, I knew He loved me and His love would never fade but would compel me to continue following Him. For years I was concerned that this vision wasn't scripturally accurate. Jesus was a bloody, meatball of a human when He hung on the cross. But when I discovered Anglican liturgy, the vision made sense during the Eucharistic prayer, "Christ has died, Christ is risen, Christ will come again." All three were represented in my short vision.

Maybe the word "cost" could be exchanged for "persecuted" to determine if I've given up anything to follow Him.

Especially when I was a new believer, I lost some friends - including a boyfriend - a decade later I was privileged to lead this man to Christ so He would now be my brother in the Lord.

Since I was trained to tithe as a child, I never saw financial support of my parish family as a cost but somewhere between duty, responsibility, pride and humility. The only thing I financially feel was a personal cost was when I felt the Lord tell me to decrease my giving back to 10% gross since I was already at the governmental standards of poverty. That was a hard time to be obedient and it still is hard to give such a small amount when I want to give more. But there is a joy that comes with being obedient to Abba.

Has it been a cost to hide the Word in my heart? My 12-step sponsor had me start to memorize scripture that depicted a loving shepherd that helped me erase the judgmental despot I had envisioned. At one time I had about 40 chapters of the Bible memorized - most teaching me about a Loving and Caring Abba but some to help me revamp doctrine to go along with a Loving Abba. Was that a cost?  No, I don't see it as a cost. Since I'd sustained a brain injury prior to the memorization season, it was a challenge but it not only taught me a better understanding of God, of myself, helped overcome the reason I was in 12-step, and gave me a different type of loving the Word. 

Was there a cost to reading the Bible?  For me there wasn't. I enjoy reading. I am grateful that as a family my ex, children and myself read through the Bible annually for several years until their teenaged years became so scheduled dysfunctional it was a challenge to have meals together let alone time to read the Bible. It wasn't a cost - it was a joy to share our love of God and His Word with our children. 

Has it been a cost to be faithful to attendance to parish liturgy and other events?  Goodness no. There may be times when I don't want to get up on Sunday morning; but there are times I don't want to get up to go to work, either. Thus, I don't view either as a cost because I know when I show up that God will bless me and I'll leave grateful I went.

Has it been a cost to develop a prayer life?  I have struggled in this area, but I don't see it as a cost. My prayer life has changed through the decades I've followed Christ. Prayer has had seasons and Ecclesiastes has explained that well and I am learning to feel content in whatever season I'm in. If it's a season to sit and bask silently in his presence, or a season to walk the floor in loud intercession, or lay prostate before Him and pour out my heart. I have learned to accept the season and not feel defective because it grows and changes and evolves and may start over with the same outward manifestation as it matures deeper. I am learning the joy of being sensitive and accepting of the prayer season.

Has it been a cost to hold to my moral code? Sometimes it has been an inner battle, but I don't see that as a cost of following Christ. Before I knew Christ or maybe that is back when I was still a heathen, I still had a moral code and at times battled to have my actions agree with those morals. That wasn't a cost of following Christ, that was just part of the human condition.

Has it been a cost to share my story of following Christ in prayerful hope of others finding Christ? No. I enjoy talking about my grandchildren, but try to keep it to a minimum so I don't push people away. I love Jesus more and try to keep my conversation about Him to the times when it flows naturally or I feel lead by the Spirit to share my story; and I'm careful to remember I have one mouth and two ears and rry to openly listen to the other person's story without interrupting, judging or rolling my eyes, too. I'm currently not active on any self-help boards and I miss sharing and hearing; yet that is not a cost because I am being obedient and I know the joy of obedience. This is not the season to reach out but a season to reach inside. It is not a cost, it is just what is and I am following it, sometimes with curiosity of what the next season will bring.  

 
These scriptures keep coming to mind as I write this:

James 1.2 "Let it be all joy to you, my brothers, when you undergo tests of every sort."

Hebrews 12.2 "We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting Him, He endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now He is seated in the place of honor beside God's throne."

Paul wrote of his life of the stonings and beatings and shipwrecks. I seldom tout what I've been through as mine were not because I was out being an apostle but just living my life. Abuse and the scars my body carries from that, three divorces, the humiliation of a cheating spouses, two children in heaven (one was miscarried by abuse), three opportunities to press criminal charges against me for violent crimes, homelessness twice, times of disenfranchisement, alienation from my children, a brain injury from a car wreck, three college degrees yet I live below this nation's poverty level. Some were poor decisions on my part; others were just life happening. All were instrumental in making me the person I am today. I like myself and love my life, so how can I consider the lessons in the school of life a cost?

People who are into exercise often use the term, "no pain - no gain" and that is true as a Christian.  Is there a cost associated with it?  Let's see the Words in red from Luke 14:28-33 (MSG) which is the only New Testament use of the word cost:

"Is there anyone here who, planning to build a new house, doesn't first sit down and figure the cost so you'll know if you can complete it? If you only get the foundation laid and then run out of money, you're going to look pretty foolish. Everyone passing by will poke fun at you: 'He started something he couldn't finish.' "Or can you imagine a king going into battle against another king without first deciding whether it is possible with his ten thousand troops to face the twenty thousand troops of the other? And if he decides he can't, won't he send an emissary and work out a truce? "Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can't be my disciple."

I remember when my oldest son was a few months old, I received flowers from him and his dad, Greg Kahrs. We put the baby in his little plastic "pumpkin" seat with the flowers in front and took a photo to commemorate that day. Greg's mother had a hissy fit. She said with the baby laying there with flowers in front it looked like we were having his funeral and blah, blah. We stood firm and didn't destroy the photo like she desired. We told her the child had not came with a written guarantee that he wouldn't die an infant. (Thank God he's a healthy adult with four little girls of his own and a fifth on the way.) We had dedicated him to the Lord as an infant and his life was in God's hands and out of ours. Yes, we were responsible to nurture and raise Him up to be a godly man, but he was no longer ours but Gods. When I read of Hannah and how she gave her precious toddler Samuel into Eli's keeping, raising and training... even knowing Eli had raised his biological children who did evil things (1 Sam 2.23).

Yes, there is emotional pain I don't have a close relationship with my children and thus grandchildren; however, that is not a cost of following Christ. That happens to non-Christians, too. Some was life happening, some was how I parented and how their dad parented, etc. I've repented, apologized and am making amends for my part. Just as I gave my children to the Lord as infants -  they stay in His arms as adults.

Another scripture is Acts 20.24a "But none of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself, so that I might finish my course with joy"

One of my recent questions I struggle with is "What did I do to deserve so much joy?"  Nothing. I mess up royally. But I know the heavenly Royalty who is the Bestower of gifts and He chose to grace me with joy. I don't deserve this much joy based on what I've done - and maybe that is why this joy is so sweet. I didn't earn it so I can't un-earn it by messing up, or call that sin if you prefer. I do sin routinely; my human capacity for egocentric selfishness often amazes me. I think I'm at the place where most sins are sins of omission rather than of commission - but occasionally God graciously allows me to see myself without my own filters and blinders of prideful self-protection. Then He teaches me tenderness towards others and self so I'm not paralyzed with inability to move forward but to be tender towards myself. Tenderness or kindness is a fruit of the spirit. As I practice tenderness towards myself, I can pass it to others. 

I could have self-pity that sometimes life hasn't felt fair. But nobody's life is fair. Believer or unbeliever - life happens and it causes pain and we either move through it or stay stuck. For me, being a Christian is a blessing because I was given the vision of Jesus to lead me back to Him. Through the pain and tears of whatever earthly thing is causing the grief, I feel the tug to let the God who died, rose and is coming again to comfort me. The God whose been through what I've been through and who empathizes and understands and hurts with me. The God who lives in me and I in Him; who is also the God on the heavenly throne with the four beings, the 24 elders and the choirs who surround Him. I love to envision Revelations 4 & 5 and mentally move the furniture to where I think it is depicted in John's vision and meditate on the significance of those present and the furniture. Then remembering it's that same regal, crown-wearing, throne-sitting God who lives in me in unity and intimacy.... well, it's so amazing words can't describe it. Cost?  Hardly. Blessing?  Yes.

There are only two things I consider might possibly be a cost - and they are things I am not permitted to do with my parish family. I seldom mention them because I seldom think of them. I can do that because I know there is joy set before me. I stay aware that I can count it as joy or an unfair burden. I chose joy. Discipline proves I'm not a bastard child but a true, cherished and accepted child. (Heb 12).

Have I given up things to be a Christian? Yes.  Had I not yielded to come to Christ when He called my name in 1975, would I still have given up things?  Yes. When a baby takes her first step, the parents rejoice - but a part of them grieves their infant is becoming a toddler, too. When my sons became fathers, I rejoiced in my grandchildren but I also grieved the loss of hands-on parenting. There is a letting go to grasp something more mature - and that is a natural part of growth rhythm.  Thus, the giving up is part of the human condition and not just part of being a follower of the Lord. One of the myriad benefits of being a Christ-follower is that I can count it all JOY rather then counting it as a cost knowing He is in me and I am in Him and He is orchestrating the whole of my life.

Phil 2.13 says, "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him."  Thus, I don't see it has been a cost to me as it is God who called me, trains me, equipped me, changes me, enables me, matures me and loves me.  How can it have been a cost to me when it's not about me? The struggle is when I forget I died on October 11, 1975, and it is Christ who lives in me. (Romans 6.6)

I hoped this study would help me understand the cost of discipleship; but I haven't found it yet. It might be a topic worth revisiting or conversing with my spiritual director.