Prayer of Agreement

"Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven." - Matthew 18:19. 

I'm not praying for healing or to live longer. I am praying to maintain the best quality of life for as long as I can, then peacefully pass.  My prayer for my end-of-life journey is to have it a miraculous spiritual journey where I grow closer to Christ. And that's what God has been blessing me with. It's a more casual and relaxed relationship - yet I feel known by Him as He shows me more about Him. It's not always "spiritual" things God and I do as we hang out. We may watch a rerun of Star Trek, and He seems as real and involved and loving me as He is when I read my scriptures or pray. Okay, so it's a rerun for both of us - but we may laugh together and enjoy our camaraderie of just being together.  I use to feel that spiritual intimacy when walking in nature; but I have to drive the 20 yards to the mail box now, so not much hope of enjoying God while I enjoy hiking in his beautiful creation. So we adapt.

If we put the prayer of Agreement scripture and my prayer for this end-time together, I can find few people willing to pray that prayer with me. 

I think Western culture is messed up. Many African and Eastern culture do not fear or find death degrading or shameful or terrorizing; that seems to be the norm for Western culture. From my reading, death in many cultures is just part of the cycle of life (not all who see death this way are into reincarnation but even some Christian groups worldwide see it as a normal, natural part of life that releases our spirit into God). I was raised to see death as a normal, natural part of life. I'm born, I give birth, I grow old, I die. The same cycle that has been in effect since Adam. A cycle created by our loving Father God. A beautiful cycle. A cycle of joy and delight.

I've heard North American Christians pray for others. I find it sad that they don't find out what the prayer recipient desires in prayer but projects their own wants onto the prayer for the other person; it feels to me like spiritual bullying. I've even heard people say things like "nobody wants to die" or "she deserves to be healed".  Some may say our revulsion of death is a distinguishing characteristic of being human; but what if that's wrong and our prime distinguishing characteristic is desiring eternity with God. It changes the whole formula of Western thought.

The last 15 years of my mother's life, just about every week when we'd talk, she'd express her disappointment that God hadn't come to take her home to heaven yet. She was so eager to join Jesus and family who was living in eternity. Heavenly homesickness. As my health worsens, I have that attitude of longing for eternity and the desire grows weekly. I don't talk about it much but cherish it in my heart because most people don't understand.

I have an aversion to people praying for me. If it's at church and people know I'm sick; they take their eyes of Jesus and look at me. I don't like that. We're there to worship our Lord, not to evaluate my health picture. Give attention to God, not to my liver. 

It seems when people pray for the sick, they use a uniform prayer begging God to heal the person so they can live a longer life. Mom would scoff that 97 years were plenty long enough and she didn't want people to pray more longevity for her.  I can pray in agreement for people who actually want a healing and longevity; I certainly wouldn't pray God lets them have a beautiful death before they are ready.  I just with Christians had more compassion: to find out what the person desires and then honestly state if you can pray agreement with that prayer. Asking and saying, "No, I can't pray that." is a loving and honest response. I'd be quite willing to hear a no; because I'd probably hear lots of Yes that means others were supporting me with prayer during this time.

I don't think people who like to project their wishes onto sickly people are bad or uncaring; they are just naive. It's too bad the church doesn't do better teaching in how to be supportive to sickly people. 

I just thought of something that would draw a funny cartoon. A person ready to go to heaven and accepting of his soon-coming death, and Jesus chasing him around screaming Jesus wanted to pray for him to get healed.  I'm grateful Jesus is a gentleman.

I'm grateful Jesus has given me scriptures that He is supportive of this desire - that I believe He put into my heart.  Psalm 90:10.

Choosing Hospice

I went to the oncologist this morning. He says people with mostly functioning livers can go through oral chemo with minimal nasty side effects, but patients with severally compromised livers, like mine, usually get every bad side effect and often no change in cancer or longevity. We discussed pros and cons of me taking it. Since it was only pallative for me, I couldn't decide which way to choose.
We (me, my sister and doctor) made the hard decision to not take chemo but to start hospice soon. We talked to one hospice company a few weeks ago, will interview the other. Then decide.

My sister and I were both wet faced. No, we made the water ourselves, doc didn't have to throw buckets of it on our faces. Although after treating only liver cancer for 35 years, he's probably given that speech thousands of times and probably most with him shedding a tear of compassion and a bear hug - like today. 

I asked the question of how long I have. He said enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas with my loved ones. He said 3 to 6 months. I am grateful he didn't hide the probabilities.
I've known for six weeks this day would happen soon. I didn't know it would hit me emotionally so hard. 

This afternoon, I am learning to find comfort in 1 Peter 2. 21: "Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps." and Hebrews 12.2: " Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."

I don't feel brave right now. But I do hold my faith in Christ to be brave and strong through me as he meets me in my weakness and self-grieving. 

There are so many things to joyfully look forward to in the afterlife. My late first husband, our unborn baby, my parents, grandparents, my cousins Donny and Kurt, aunts and uncles - especially Joe and Madonna who helped raise me, classmates, friends - so many who have already passed. Of course, for me, the best will be seeing Jesus face to face. 

I'm not hoping to live longer. I am looking to maintain the best quality of life for as long as I can, then peacefully pass, have a green burial and have a live oak tree planted on me so my remains will give back to nature that has fed and nourished me, shown me the beauty of my Creator for so many years. There's a part of me with a feeling of great satisfaction for the life I lived...mistakes and all.