Choosing Hospice

I went to the oncologist this morning. He says people with mostly functioning livers can go through oral chemo with minimal nasty side effects, but patients with severally compromised livers, like mine, usually get every bad side effect and often no change in cancer or longevity. We discussed pros and cons of me taking it. Since it was only pallative for me, I couldn't decide which way to choose.
We (me, my sister and doctor) made the hard decision to not take chemo but to start hospice soon. We talked to one hospice company a few weeks ago, will interview the other. Then decide.

My sister and I were both wet faced. No, we made the water ourselves, doc didn't have to throw buckets of it on our faces. Although after treating only liver cancer for 35 years, he's probably given that speech thousands of times and probably most with him shedding a tear of compassion and a bear hug - like today. 

I asked the question of how long I have. He said enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas with my loved ones. He said 3 to 6 months. I am grateful he didn't hide the probabilities.
I've known for six weeks this day would happen soon. I didn't know it would hit me emotionally so hard. 

This afternoon, I am learning to find comfort in 1 Peter 2. 21: "Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps." and Hebrews 12.2: " Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."

I don't feel brave right now. But I do hold my faith in Christ to be brave and strong through me as he meets me in my weakness and self-grieving. 

There are so many things to joyfully look forward to in the afterlife. My late first husband, our unborn baby, my parents, grandparents, my cousins Donny and Kurt, aunts and uncles - especially Joe and Madonna who helped raise me, classmates, friends - so many who have already passed. Of course, for me, the best will be seeing Jesus face to face. 

I'm not hoping to live longer. I am looking to maintain the best quality of life for as long as I can, then peacefully pass, have a green burial and have a live oak tree planted on me so my remains will give back to nature that has fed and nourished me, shown me the beauty of my Creator for so many years. There's a part of me with a feeling of great satisfaction for the life I lived...mistakes and all.