Over a year ago, I posted this quote from a book: "Thanatos represents the preoccupation
with death, with the putting off of death, or with clinging to
death-filled objects. By sinning in this way we refuse to fall in love
with life, to love what is lovable, to savor life's simple and
non-elitist pleasures, to befriend pleasure, to celebrate the blessings
of life, to return thanks for such blessings by still more blessing."
That hit me between the eyes. What a reality check of my egocentric focus on the wrong things. I thank Father God for that reality check. Seeing it, naming it are the first steps to opening to what I want and what I believe God wants for me.
For the first time since starting this journey, I've reread what I've written - well, almost, I'm part-way through. I was rather taken aback how my view of God has changed. I knew I was changing but I didn't realize the rapidity of that change. Well, maybe I haven't changed as much as my first thought; maybe my vocabulary is just catching up with the changes. I will try to blog more often as a way to do a spiritual check-up that what comes out of my fingertips at the computer is what I want going on in my mine.
But I also realized that after being hospitalized in December and two cancer scares in January and February; that I have been focused on the wrong thing. I've been focused on health and death; rather then life and living. That's an easy thing to change. If I keep focused on the wrong thing, then I will draw it to me. I want to draw the abundant life God promised to me and chose to focus there.
Today has been good. I had several chores planned; it's sunny and warm (for here) out and that draws me. Those things will await; today is a God-n-me day. I've spent time having a 1-day spiritual vacation. I've watched several hours of videos by Rohr, I've read. I've meditated. I've started blogging again. I feel I'm heading in the right direction.
Yay Lent. It might be late in the season, but it is apparently right on time!
Blessings,
Debbie
Tuesday 8 April 2014
Update on Life
It's been quite a while since I've written in my blog. After re-reading the first page, I wanted to type some thoughts that have changed since then.
I've been reading a lot on finding natural ways to boost the body's own physical healing. I've been on a plan since mid-January to increase my body's oxytocin. I love what that does to me. I am grateful for this discovery several years age and the emotional strength to develop this new lifestyle over the last almost 3 months. I've had the support of several people on forums and I am grateful for that. It makes me feel so alive and as I feel alive, I sense my body becoming more alive and more healthy - and I'm grateful that was depicted in the last test results received. It's also helping with being more inclusive and loving because I have such a nesting urge that I want to be there for others in a compassionate, listening, caring way. I am finding I want to make deep eye contact with others when they speak or if we shake hands at church; yet I am not offended when they can't look back with a deep gaze but pray they can some day experience that blessing. I think of Adam and Eve who were "naked and not ashamed" and feel a true looking at others in the face as communication happens is the entry steps to developing deep friendship bonds with others. Yes, it can be intimidating; but it feels good to care enough about others to want to look and empathize.
__________________________
The after-effects of the hospitalization are gone. It was a lovely place to visit that calm and peaceful place that was deeply meditative; but it's not a place where God will allow me to vegetate. I don't yet see all the ways that has impacted my life or"ministry" (or whatever it's called when God in me reaches out to others). I think of Rohr's organization: Action and Contemplation. They need to go together. It seems too much contemplation and I'm so heavenly minded that I'm no earthy good (to borrow somebody's phrase) or if I'm all action without gazing at God contemplatively, then I get into good deeds and might as well join the Shriners or Lions Club to help others rather than doing "service" (don't like that word) to others in God's name.
______________________
Physically I'm doing marvelous. My liver function tests are the lowest they've been for several years and they are just slightly above normal instead of double the high normal gauge. The sonogram showed all the liver cysts are gone except for the two little ones that have been there for 10 years and 20 years or longer. My platelet counts are increasing and I'm hoping they continue that trend until I can have dental surgery without needing blood products or hospitalization in Halifax. The C/T scan showed improvement in some areas and no further deterioration over the past 6 years. The echocardiogram showed marked improvement in my heart valves (rheumatic heart disease) with only minor damage to one instead of moderate damage to 3 like it was several years ago.
What do I attribute how I got in bad shape? (1) Not knowing how to deal with the stress of a marriage gone bad; and still perceiving myself as a victim and not knowing how to change that view. (2) Not believing I "deserved" the foods that had worked so well to regain health in the 90s; and not being assertive in what I needed to live healthy while the discretionary family income went for his alcohol and tobacco. I'm at the place where I'm strong enough to be proactive in my health. No, I do not blame ex because of my lack of assertiveness. I apparently needed this lesson to hit bottom and decide *I* needed to change and to trust God to teach me how to be compassionately assertive and how to word things in a non combative manner. That has helped me gain self-respect and as I respect self, I discover others respecting me; yet, I know it's not me but God in me so I don't take that respect personally like it was something I deserved, it's God in me who deserves the respect as He brought me to this place.
What do I attribute how I'm getting into better health? (1) I've juiced periodically, as I could afford it, since I got single. The past few months, I've made juicing a priority. (2) I've given up the internal pressure to be perfect and exchanging that to being open to be loved by God and loving Him. (3) Letting go of more of the legalism that had bound me.
The so far about 55-60 pound weight loss I attribute to my mother. Because of the life-long stressed relationship with Mom, her beautiful death that healed what had been a deep pain for each of us, I no longer need to be "big" to handle the weight of those hurts and wounds. God can be big and I can be free to be normal sized. She gave me the gift of birth and even in her dying she gave me a different gift - a gift of healing the wounds that had bound us together in a dysfunctional dance.
I am grateful for the gift of better health. I am grateful for my friend who is a coach and mentor on natural health. I'm grateful I'm able to make boundaries to protect myself--often from my own self.
____________________________
I started this as a journey to determine if I wanted to become a lay Franciscan or 4th order Franciscan. Although I've enjoyed that; I don't think the regimented prayers and practices would work for me when I'm still relatively new at enjoying the freedom of Christ outside of my old-style legalistic religion. It would be too easy for me to get back into legalism. I am currently loving the freedom of spontaneous relationship I have with God. He is so present to me this way. It may be something I'll want to visit in the future, but maybe not and I'm okay with not knowing. I'm grateful for what I learned.
____________________________
I enjoyed learning the little about Kabbalah. I no longer sense a desire to continue with that study. It may be something to revisit, but currently it's not on my spiritual radar. I feel content to have a very basic understanding of what Jesus' education may have included; it helps me feel more united with Him.
____________________________
Like often, Lent did not work for me. I liked the first few years when Father G suggested I don't give up anything but take up something new. He said I'd given up so much that he didn't feel it would be healthy to give up; but it would be healthy to take up new. This was the first year I chose to give up. I gave up an unhealthy friendship that was pulling me away from God and from the lifestyle I desire. Within the first two weeks of Lent, I realized it was even more unhealthy then I recognized and was almost like an addiction. I'm stabilized. I've grieved and came to acceptance this was the best choice I could make. I am proud of myself.
The first week of Lent, when I went to Psalms 27, especially verse 1, which often is my meditative scripture. I sensed God tell me that during Lent to read the Psalms and pick a new chapter that I am no longer at the place where safety is prime - that I know how to trust God in me for my safety needs. Even if something bad happens to me, He is my safety net. I have not been diligent to do that search. But maybe He knew I needed a few weeks to work through some of the other stuff to be at the place to choose the next chapter.
It seems appropriate. A new chapter of life. A new chapter of Psalms. What a wonderful reminder that God is guiding and directing my life
____________________________
.
I've struggled with wanting more non-dualistic thinking. I watched several hours of Richard Rohr today and several times he said part of life has to be dualistic thinking, the critical thinking that moves us throughout the day. Do I turn left or right? Do I do this or that? Those are all dualistic thinking that is needed; but it isn't healthy to have that as the only thinking style.
Does that mean that thinking about what areas to be dualistic and which to be non-dualistic is a dualistic?
____________________________
I've been reading a lot on finding natural ways to boost the body's own physical healing. I've been on a plan since mid-January to increase my body's oxytocin. I love what that does to me. I am grateful for this discovery several years age and the emotional strength to develop this new lifestyle over the last almost 3 months. I've had the support of several people on forums and I am grateful for that. It makes me feel so alive and as I feel alive, I sense my body becoming more alive and more healthy - and I'm grateful that was depicted in the last test results received. It's also helping with being more inclusive and loving because I have such a nesting urge that I want to be there for others in a compassionate, listening, caring way. I am finding I want to make deep eye contact with others when they speak or if we shake hands at church; yet I am not offended when they can't look back with a deep gaze but pray they can some day experience that blessing. I think of Adam and Eve who were "naked and not ashamed" and feel a true looking at others in the face as communication happens is the entry steps to developing deep friendship bonds with others. Yes, it can be intimidating; but it feels good to care enough about others to want to look and empathize.
__________________________
The after-effects of the hospitalization are gone. It was a lovely place to visit that calm and peaceful place that was deeply meditative; but it's not a place where God will allow me to vegetate. I don't yet see all the ways that has impacted my life or"ministry" (or whatever it's called when God in me reaches out to others). I think of Rohr's organization: Action and Contemplation. They need to go together. It seems too much contemplation and I'm so heavenly minded that I'm no earthy good (to borrow somebody's phrase) or if I'm all action without gazing at God contemplatively, then I get into good deeds and might as well join the Shriners or Lions Club to help others rather than doing "service" (don't like that word) to others in God's name.
______________________
Physically I'm doing marvelous. My liver function tests are the lowest they've been for several years and they are just slightly above normal instead of double the high normal gauge. The sonogram showed all the liver cysts are gone except for the two little ones that have been there for 10 years and 20 years or longer. My platelet counts are increasing and I'm hoping they continue that trend until I can have dental surgery without needing blood products or hospitalization in Halifax. The C/T scan showed improvement in some areas and no further deterioration over the past 6 years. The echocardiogram showed marked improvement in my heart valves (rheumatic heart disease) with only minor damage to one instead of moderate damage to 3 like it was several years ago.
What do I attribute how I got in bad shape? (1) Not knowing how to deal with the stress of a marriage gone bad; and still perceiving myself as a victim and not knowing how to change that view. (2) Not believing I "deserved" the foods that had worked so well to regain health in the 90s; and not being assertive in what I needed to live healthy while the discretionary family income went for his alcohol and tobacco. I'm at the place where I'm strong enough to be proactive in my health. No, I do not blame ex because of my lack of assertiveness. I apparently needed this lesson to hit bottom and decide *I* needed to change and to trust God to teach me how to be compassionately assertive and how to word things in a non combative manner. That has helped me gain self-respect and as I respect self, I discover others respecting me; yet, I know it's not me but God in me so I don't take that respect personally like it was something I deserved, it's God in me who deserves the respect as He brought me to this place.
What do I attribute how I'm getting into better health? (1) I've juiced periodically, as I could afford it, since I got single. The past few months, I've made juicing a priority. (2) I've given up the internal pressure to be perfect and exchanging that to being open to be loved by God and loving Him. (3) Letting go of more of the legalism that had bound me.
The so far about 55-60 pound weight loss I attribute to my mother. Because of the life-long stressed relationship with Mom, her beautiful death that healed what had been a deep pain for each of us, I no longer need to be "big" to handle the weight of those hurts and wounds. God can be big and I can be free to be normal sized. She gave me the gift of birth and even in her dying she gave me a different gift - a gift of healing the wounds that had bound us together in a dysfunctional dance.
I am grateful for the gift of better health. I am grateful for my friend who is a coach and mentor on natural health. I'm grateful I'm able to make boundaries to protect myself--often from my own self.
____________________________
I started this as a journey to determine if I wanted to become a lay Franciscan or 4th order Franciscan. Although I've enjoyed that; I don't think the regimented prayers and practices would work for me when I'm still relatively new at enjoying the freedom of Christ outside of my old-style legalistic religion. It would be too easy for me to get back into legalism. I am currently loving the freedom of spontaneous relationship I have with God. He is so present to me this way. It may be something I'll want to visit in the future, but maybe not and I'm okay with not knowing. I'm grateful for what I learned.
____________________________
I enjoyed learning the little about Kabbalah. I no longer sense a desire to continue with that study. It may be something to revisit, but currently it's not on my spiritual radar. I feel content to have a very basic understanding of what Jesus' education may have included; it helps me feel more united with Him.
____________________________
Like often, Lent did not work for me. I liked the first few years when Father G suggested I don't give up anything but take up something new. He said I'd given up so much that he didn't feel it would be healthy to give up; but it would be healthy to take up new. This was the first year I chose to give up. I gave up an unhealthy friendship that was pulling me away from God and from the lifestyle I desire. Within the first two weeks of Lent, I realized it was even more unhealthy then I recognized and was almost like an addiction. I'm stabilized. I've grieved and came to acceptance this was the best choice I could make. I am proud of myself.
The first week of Lent, when I went to Psalms 27, especially verse 1, which often is my meditative scripture. I sensed God tell me that during Lent to read the Psalms and pick a new chapter that I am no longer at the place where safety is prime - that I know how to trust God in me for my safety needs. Even if something bad happens to me, He is my safety net. I have not been diligent to do that search. But maybe He knew I needed a few weeks to work through some of the other stuff to be at the place to choose the next chapter.
It seems appropriate. A new chapter of life. A new chapter of Psalms. What a wonderful reminder that God is guiding and directing my life
____________________________
.
I've struggled with wanting more non-dualistic thinking. I watched several hours of Richard Rohr today and several times he said part of life has to be dualistic thinking, the critical thinking that moves us throughout the day. Do I turn left or right? Do I do this or that? Those are all dualistic thinking that is needed; but it isn't healthy to have that as the only thinking style.
Does that mean that thinking about what areas to be dualistic and which to be non-dualistic is a dualistic?
____________________________
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