Pornographers, Forgiveness & Celibacy

I often wrote a gratitude list on a journal on a site I was active in for about 11 years. I may have put one or two gratitude lists on this blog since I quit going to that site. To me, gratitude is the things I'm giving God the glory and gratitude for blessing my life with. (I think my high school English teacher's pen would have bleed red ink all over that last sentence's construction.)

This is a thank you to people who, in a round-about way, have been catalysts for major spiritual growth. The people whose choices have hit me so hard in the solar-plexis that I've had to run into God's loving arms for healing and protection.

I presume when I wrote my testimony back in the beginning of this blog, I talked about how I hated myself and knew the only way to regain liking me again and seeing myself as more then a filthy victim was forgiving the man who abducted and raped me when I was a young adult. Forgiveness didn't change that atrocity happened to me, but forgiveness helped me heal. It broke that evil tie that was formed. After all, God created sex for bonding in marriage; and outside of marriage the miracle of bonding still happens as it's the nature inherent in sexual union. That incident gave my then-heathen self a basic understanding of the beautiful results of forgiveness.  It paved the way for the time when my life would be blessed with Peter and Paul- what I call a man where I worked and the friendly housewife next door. They showed me Christ's love without hitting me on the head with scripture; after all, I could hear their Christ-like love and was a sponge wanting to soak up that beautiful gift, but I couldn't hear the Word because I didn't have spiritual ears to hear it. I remember how clean I felt when I forgave the rapist and so when I grasped that offered forgiveness of Jesus, I wanted Jesus to feel that clean like I did.  Okay, so that's not how it works as Jesus is sinless and clean, but that's how it came across to me. When God goes fishing, he uses all sorts of bait - flies, worms, lures and maybe doctrinally my understanding was stink bait, but it worked to bring me into His kingdom. As stated in that entry, my salvation prayer is not like any I've ever heard either; but God loved me enough to come into my heart and life even if I didn't understand what I was praying, even if it had a time limit and even if I did it for Jesus instead of for me.

Beverly, the housewife, had been through similar and she helped me see how having forgiven the rapist quickly was good. But she pointed out it had been three years and I also had to forgive the cops who refused to even pick him up but would "talk to him."  I doubt they did that as they seemed to think it was all a joke. My bitterness at those paid to protect and serve the community was not hurting them (they didn't give a hoot) but my bitterness at them was hurting me.  So she helped me pray and cry and move into the forgiveness being activated in my life. 

The trashed out, one-room trailer where I was raped was filled with photos of pornography taped to the wall, pinned to the curtains and stacked in piles plus the old reel to reel movie projector and reels of movies. Now I can see the downward progression how people (women, too) can go from a healthy view of sexuality and allow a little visual titillation to continue to spiral to the place viewers of porn see all people (especially women) as spirit-less body parts for their own need. The inhumanity to humanity. But, it seems their own sense of self deteriorates from seeing themselves as whole human beings to just seeing themselves as genitals that needs orgasm. As I type that, I sit here with tears in my eyes at the way sin destroys, and like the mouse that is wintering in my wall - doesn't stay in one place but makes a racket all over the other walls of the house. Sin (not seeing things God's way) ripples out to affect/destroy so much more then the one act of sin.

I'd forgiven the women and men in porn because one of my best friends in Oklahoma had been sexually molested since preschool. She had been denied the right to wear clothing so her father and brothers had easy access when they wanted to use her for their sexual release and whose mother would beat her for making her husband (the girl-child's father) turn away from her.  She grew up to be a prostitute, exotic dancer and porn star.  How she'd turned her life around when she met Jesus, attended Bible college, and as a single mother managed to go through university and get her bachelors, masters, and doctorate in a special type of education (I know her career path, but won't blog it so she can maintain anonymity since few people have this doctoral major). She's an amazing woman. Unfortunately, we lost touch because my ex was a porn addict and when he discovered one of my best friends had been a porn star, it caused major issues in our marriage as he'd already lost the ability to focus on what he desired but his thoughts turned to what his addiction desired. But knowing this very damaged yet healing and very vivacious woman and having experienced her Christ-like friendship gave me a complete different view of women and men in the sex trade industry. She could tell stories of the backgrounds of the men and women in "the industry" all day and each story would open more compassion for the atrocities people had been through and how their choice was often from deep wounds that they knew not how to heal nor did they know Christ the Healing-one who waits with open arms to help.

There are ripples for everything we do in life. We do something good and it ripples so the person who was recipient may walk away and do good to another.  We may do something harmful (usually unintentionally) and it ripples so it not only affects the injured person but those he/she comes in contact with. My recent interest in quantum physics explains this ripple effect on so many levels that I see God in it. Of course, He invented the world and set quantum physics in place... maybe just to give nerds and semi-nerds a visual to better understand Him and Life.

The same with the rape.  Romans 8:28 promises that ALL things work together for good. Because I've seen the dark side of sexuality, it makes the holy side of sexuality stand out in glowing and delightful light.  Having been through rape and sexual abuse has forced me to study the word and discover what God says and apply it to my life. Back when I was in a celibate marriage (not my choice but his refusal to have sex or to even share a room or often a meal with me as his downward spiral of pornography addiction increased), God helped me see that it was not because of any lack in me - that He'd created me perfect and I had the choice to believe his Word or to believe the lies of the devil.  

During that dark decade of being married to a porn addict, here's some short comments I wrote that were meaningful to me as I adjusted to celibacy:


Purpose of Sex: Sex is one way two people in love may choose to share their love. Although sex may be a validating experience, validation is not the purpose of having sex. Validation of the love comes by honoring the marital commitment.



Sexual self-acceptance comes from what's going on inside - rather than what's going on in my marriage. I do not have to give up my sense of femininity or feeling good about my sexuality. I'm going to embrace it and not let it go. My sexuality is a gift from God that I can choose to embrace. Just because I don't get to have full expression of my sexuality through foreplay and intercourse, it doesn't mean I'm not a fully sexual being during these celibate years. I'm learning to enjoy all of my God-given femininity; even though the full expression of that femininity is limited through a partner's choice 

Now I can add: or through my choice of saving sex for a committed relationship before God.


In hind-sight, the five years of celibate marriage (his choice, not mine), helped me put sex into a more scriptural framework. What I learned during those years, helped me not rush into another dysfunctional marriage but has given me time to heal, to get to know myself and to figure out what I have to bring into a new relationship and what I need (need, not want but need) if I ever decide to commit to an intimate relationship (ie marriage).  Although 11 years of celibacy or 1/4 of my adult life has been without sexual expression; with God's help I've managed that and most of that has been accomplished not gritting my teeth and enduring it but with God's joy and peace flowing like a river. The fact I have been able to do that gives me an inner strength, a new self respect, a trust for God in a new area and a compassion for others who struggle.  I never said I didn't struggle, I just didn't act out and God honors that with more peace and joy. For me, that means no fantasy as it takes me to the dark side of sex; reality keeps me in the brightness of Christ's light. I'm not perfect in staying out of the dark side but I'm recognizing when I slip there and quickly pull myself back into His Light where there is peace and joy instead of frustration and discouragement. 

I realized I can live a few minutes without air, a few hours without shelter in extreme weather, a few days without water and a few months without food.  How long can I go without sex?  Looking at Maslow's hierarchy of needs - I'd put sex in the love/belonging category.  To reach that,  I need the physiological and safety needs met. Have I missed sex?  Very much.  My children's dad and I use to say sex is like aerobics - should be done at least four times a week.

Had it not been for pornographers who made porn, would I know all of that about myself?  Would I have had an incubator to birth those things inside?  Would I understand the sacred side of sex?  Would I have as much enjoyment of sex when I am married?  Would I have the inner liberty to enjoy freedom in sex with a partner?  Would I have the liberty to manage celibacy? Would I have the strength to remain celibate until sexual union would happen in a relationship that is healthy for me and for him and have God's approval?  

Had it not been for pornographers who made porn, would my three husbands not watched it and let it spiral into addiction and inhumaneness?  Would my first husband have not beat me because I wouldn't have sex with another man while he watched?  Had he not beat me, our baby wouldn't have died and the child wouldn't have brought my 97 year old mother comfort in her dying hours. Would I have left him and ended up homeless?  Had I not ran to the military for safety and an education, I would have not met the co-worker and neighbor who showed me Christ and were instrumental in my salvation and starting Bible college to immerse myself in the Word and His people. Had my children's dad not become addicted, would he have remained faithful? Would he have not encouraged one son to watch? Would that son now be married to the strong woman who has set some strong boundaries to protect their marriage and which gives him comfort, joy and an awesomely close marriage?  Would I have rebounded into 10 years of a worse situation that ended in five years of a celibate marriage and abuse and homelessness - well, in a woman's shelter with no passport so I could not go home, no extra clothing until some my size came to the shelter, but I did grab my Bible, my stuffed moose and my vehicle?  Thank God for socialized medicine where I could get X-rays and medical help at a time when I couldn't have afforded insurance that I needed after the abuse.  Plus I discovered I had a potentially terminal disease while I was in the shelter. Had it not been for all of that, who knows what path God would have had to take me through to cause me to grow.  Had I not been through that, then I wouldn't have as secure of future financially; I wouldn't have my calling to help women who are struggling in their marriages or who have had to leave and start over at an age when they should be preparing or enjoying retirement; I wouldn't be struggling to write a book. I wouldn't be who I am today - and I like who God's co-created me to be. Maybe had my faith not been so strong, I would have been like a few of the wives of porn addicts I knew who died young of cancer, either through HPV from their partner's visual unfaithfulness becoming physical unfaithfulness or other types of cancer because the stress of living with a man who saw them as an object and not a human shuts down their immune system.

There's a question on a site I periodically go to. It asks which would I prefer happen to me: good things or interesting things.  I've never grown spiritually when good things were happening, but I've grown when interesting things have happened. Thank God for the interesting things. Thank God that He has walked this journey day by day, hour by hour, and second by second - even when I was too busy focusing on me to see Him and even before I knew him.

I'm not thankful for pornography; however, I have forgiven the pornographers, the porn stars, the cops, the husbands who have used it and became un-husbands because of it. I'm not at the place where I can thank the above for doing what they did; but I do have compassion that their lives went through those low roads and pray it becomes one of the Romans 8:28 events that brings them to Christ and helps them hang onto Him as the Lifeline He is and wants to be. Like Paul, I can count it all joy - because God used these to develop my faith. 

I wrote this because I read a Christian blog of a man who had been a pornographer and pimp before coming to Christ. I'm so grateful we can never fall so far that God's loving arms can't grasp us or Jesus can't save us. God is sooooooooooo awesome. I'm grateful I'm His. I'm grateful He used this man's blog to help me see I had another layer of the onion of my past to shed some tears and take forgiveness to a deeper place.