Merry Christmas - New Birth

Merry Christmas!

It's been a while since I've written in my blog.  I was sincerely surprised that much time had passed.

Advent:  The time to open my heart to more of God and watch the new growth He will birth in me. Although I try not to self-evaluate, it's a bad habit I can't seem to break. In some ways the advent season was great and I give myself an A+ and other ways I flunked. I'm glad God doesn't have a report card on me.  He's put my name in the book of life.  I feel like I'm adjusting more to living my life by the Great Commandment of being loved by God - loving Him and loving others; and less by the check list of if my behavior was right/wrong, good/bad, etc. 

During this holiday season, I started seeing my old "religion" as Santa Clause faith: making a list and checking it twice, seeing if I've been naughty or nice and hoping I'll have presents and not coal in my stocking.  Or, making a list of rules I think God expects of me, loving to add new rules to it so I can do them and be more favorite, checking it twice to assure I complied, seeing if I need to repent or not and hoping I go to heaven and not hell where I'll burn into a lump of coal. Unfortunately, that kept the focus on me.  I realize some people are there and I sooooo understand since I lived in that space for decades and there are benefits to it - at least I was trying to live my life for God.

The big changes in the past 8 months is I've discovered Energy Healing using Solid State Technology.  A dear friend made it possible for me to attend a class and get the tools so I will soon have my certificate as an Energy Healer using this technology.

So, does it work?  It seems to be. Before I started using the technology on myself, my platelets (things that make blood clot) were 63 and normal is 130. A month after using a specialized water they went up to 75.  After adding the solid state technology, it was up to 85. The next month they were down to 78, but I'd had 12 teeth removed during that time AND had not required any human blood products. That meant there was some bleeding so I'd lost platelets, but I hadn't needed to take the risk of transfusion. That is real positive. My ESLD went from 14 to 12 - which feels like a miracle to me. I'm looking forward to all scores getting better.  I've also had more energy and have done more in a day then I'd been doing in three.

Energy Healing has also opened my curiosity to want to learn more about quantum physics. I've been doing some reading and watching YouTube videos on this amazing science. And I thought physics was a major so people could play billiards better! Oh, how wrong I was. I see so much of God in physics.

The people at the class were mostly Christian and it was almost like attending a retreat because He was mentioned so often in both the lectures and in conversation. People's comments on a Russian Christian, Gregori Grabovoi, who holds doctorates in Engineering Physics, Mathematics and Engineering and is a consultant to the US Government. Some people say he is a great seer such as Nostradamus. I am stretching my mind to try to understand some of his work that has been translated into English. A lot is over my head but what I can grasp at this first reading is astonishing. I'm currently reading, "The Resurrection of People and Eternal Life: From Now on Is Our Realty".  

I was blessed to have a few friends invite me to their home for Christmas. Normally that is meaningful to me.  This season I've been grieving the loss of my mother, the inability to have the holy day with family and the loss of nearby family. To have shared the day with a "borrowed" family would have been more than I could have handled with grace. It was less painful to be alone then to be with people.  That was a good decision for me. I enjoyed my day alone.  I texted with my sister a few times, received two e-mails from friends and a phone call from a dear friend. I had a long phone call last night with a dear friend and that helped me feel a connection with humanity.

Rather than New Year's Resolutions, I have been thinking of the newborn baby Jesus and the growth He made in His first year. Since He is my example, there are some growth areas I desire to make and pray God helps me on the things that are His will. Mostly, I want to become more disciplined - and I feel with the better health picture - that has great potential to happen.

Random Thoughts of growth are in being more consistent in:

Prayer

Bible reading/study

Church attendance

Exercise

Healthy eating

Connecting with others

Writing

Playing music

Money management

I'm excited to see how God leads me in the next year. If all of the above will bear fruit or if God and I will work on one thing at a time or just a few. My prayer is to stay open to hear from Him and follow Him.

Blessings,

Deuteronomy 30.19 "Chose Life"

Over a year ago, I posted this quote from a book:  "Thanatos represents the preoccupation with death, with the putting off of death, or with clinging to death-filled objects. By sinning in this way we refuse to fall in love with life, to love what is lovable, to savor life's simple and non-elitist pleasures, to befriend pleasure, to celebrate the blessings of life, to return thanks for such blessings by still more blessing." 

That hit me between the eyes. What a reality check of my egocentric focus on the wrong things. I thank Father God for that reality check. Seeing it, naming it are the first steps to opening to what I want and what I believe God wants for me.

For the first time since starting this journey, I've reread what I've written - well, almost, I'm part-way through. I was rather taken aback how my view of God has changed. I knew I was changing but I didn't realize the rapidity of that change.  Well, maybe I haven't changed as much as my first thought; maybe my vocabulary is just catching up with the changes. I will try to blog more often as a way to do a spiritual check-up that what comes out of my fingertips at the computer is what I want going on in my mine.

But I also realized that after being hospitalized in December and two cancer scares in January and February; that I have been focused on the wrong thing. I've been focused on health and death; rather then life and living. That's an easy thing to change. If I keep focused on the wrong thing, then I will draw it to me. I want to draw the abundant life God promised to me and chose to focus there.

Today has been good. I had several chores planned; it's sunny and warm (for here) out and that draws me. Those things will await; today is a God-n-me day. I've spent time having a 1-day spiritual vacation. I've watched several hours of videos by Rohr, I've read. I've meditated. I've started blogging again. I feel I'm heading in the right direction.

Yay Lent. It might be late in the season, but it is apparently right on time!

Blessings,
Debbie

Update on Life

It's been quite a while since I've written in my blog.  After re-reading the first page, I wanted to type some thoughts that have changed since then.

I've been reading a lot on finding natural ways to boost the body's own physical healing. I've been on a plan since mid-January to increase my body's oxytocin. I love what that does to me. I am grateful for this discovery several years age and the emotional strength to develop this new lifestyle over the last almost 3 months. I've had the support of several people on forums and I am grateful for that. It makes me feel so alive and as I feel alive, I sense my body becoming more alive and more healthy - and I'm grateful that was depicted in the last test results received. It's also helping with being more inclusive and loving because I have such a nesting urge that I want to be there for others in a compassionate, listening, caring way. I am finding I want to make deep eye contact with others when they speak or if we shake hands at church; yet I am not offended when they can't look back with a deep gaze but pray they can some day experience that blessing. I think of Adam and Eve who were "naked and not ashamed" and feel a true looking at others in the face as communication happens is the entry steps to developing deep friendship bonds with others. Yes, it can be intimidating; but it feels good to care enough about others to want to look and empathize.

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The after-effects of the hospitalization are gone. It was a lovely place to visit that calm and peaceful place that was deeply meditative; but it's not a place where God will allow me to vegetate. I don't yet see all the ways that has impacted my life or"ministry" (or whatever it's called when God in me reaches out to others). I think of Rohr's organization: Action and Contemplation. They need to go together. It seems too much contemplation and I'm so heavenly minded that I'm no earthy good (to borrow somebody's phrase) or if I'm all action without gazing at God contemplatively, then I get into good deeds and might as well join the Shriners or Lions Club to help others rather than doing "service" (don't like that word) to others in God's name.
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Physically I'm doing marvelous. My liver function tests are the lowest they've been for several years and they are just slightly above normal instead of double the high normal gauge.  The sonogram showed all the liver cysts are gone except for the two little ones that have been there for 10 years and 20 years or longer.  My platelet counts are increasing and I'm hoping they continue that trend until I can have dental surgery without needing blood products or hospitalization in Halifax. The C/T scan showed improvement in some areas and no further deterioration over the past 6 years. The echocardiogram showed marked improvement in my heart valves (rheumatic heart disease) with only minor damage to one instead of moderate damage to 3 like it was several years ago.

What do I attribute how I got in bad shape?  (1) Not knowing how to deal with the stress of a marriage gone bad; and still perceiving myself as a victim and not knowing how to change that view.  (2) Not believing I "deserved" the foods that had worked so well to regain health in the 90s; and not being assertive in what I needed to live healthy while the discretionary family income went for his alcohol and tobacco. I'm at the place where I'm strong enough to be proactive in my health.  No, I do not blame ex because of my lack of assertiveness. I apparently needed this lesson to hit bottom and decide *I* needed to change and to trust God to teach me how to be compassionately assertive and how to word things in a non combative manner. That has helped me gain self-respect and as I respect self, I discover others respecting me; yet, I know it's not me but God in me so I don't take that respect personally like it was something I deserved, it's God in me who deserves the respect as He brought me to this place.

What do I attribute how I'm getting into better health?  (1)  I've juiced periodically, as I could afford it, since I got single. The past few months, I've made juicing a priority. (2) I've given up the internal pressure to be perfect and exchanging that to being open to be loved by God and loving Him. (3) Letting go of more of the legalism that had bound me.

The so far about 55-60 pound weight loss I attribute to my mother. Because of the life-long stressed relationship with Mom, her beautiful death that healed what had been a deep pain for each of us, I no longer need to be "big" to handle the weight of those hurts and wounds. God can be big and I can be free to be normal sized. She gave me the gift of birth and even in her dying she gave me a different gift - a gift of healing the wounds that had bound us together in a dysfunctional dance.  

I am grateful for the gift of better health. I am grateful for my friend who is a coach and mentor on natural health.  I'm grateful I'm able to make boundaries to protect myself--often from my own self.

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I started this as a journey to determine if I wanted to become a lay Franciscan or 4th order Franciscan. Although I've enjoyed that; I don't think the regimented prayers and practices would work for me when I'm still relatively new at enjoying the freedom of Christ outside of my old-style legalistic religion. It would be too easy for me to get back into legalism. I am currently loving the freedom of spontaneous relationship I have with God. He is so present to me this way.  It may be something I'll want to visit in the future, but maybe not and I'm okay with not knowing. I'm grateful for what I learned.
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I enjoyed learning the little about Kabbalah. I no longer sense a desire to continue with that study. It may be something to revisit, but currently it's not on my spiritual radar. I feel content to have a very basic understanding of what Jesus' education may have included; it helps me feel more united with Him.
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Like often, Lent did not work for me.  I liked the first few years when Father G suggested I don't give up anything but take up something new. He said I'd given up so much that he didn't feel it would be healthy to give up; but it would be healthy to take up new.  This was the first year I chose to give up. I gave up an unhealthy friendship that was pulling me away from God and from the lifestyle I desire. Within the first two weeks of Lent, I realized it was even more unhealthy then I recognized and was almost like an addiction. I'm stabilized. I've grieved and came to acceptance this was the best choice I could make. I am proud of myself.

The first week of Lent, when I went to Psalms 27, especially verse 1, which often is my meditative scripture. I sensed God tell me that during Lent to read the Psalms and pick a new chapter that I am no longer at the place where safety is prime - that I know how to trust God in me for my safety needs. Even if something bad happens to me, He is my safety net. I have not been diligent to do that search. But maybe He knew I needed a few weeks to work through some of the other stuff to be at the place to choose the next chapter.

It seems appropriate.  A new chapter of life.  A new chapter of Psalms.  What a wonderful reminder that God is guiding and directing my life

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I've struggled with wanting more non-dualistic thinking.  I watched several hours of Richard Rohr today and several times he said part of life has to be dualistic thinking, the critical thinking that moves us throughout the day. Do I turn left or right? Do I do this or that?  Those are all dualistic thinking that is needed; but it isn't healthy to have that as the only thinking style.

Does that mean that thinking about what areas to be dualistic and which to be non-dualistic is a dualistic?

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Contentment

It's been a while since I've posted in my blog. It's been a while since I've been on facebook, too. Maybe I graduated to another grade in the school of life where I can enjoy a few minutes on facebook and feel I do not have to spend an hour or more. Whatever it is, I love this new time of life. I love life's freedom. I love life.

I'll start off-topic and then get on topic.  In this blog, I've often talked that I currently don't fear death - and my priest has assured me that is wonderful but when that future time gets near and I'm staring it in the face that I may have fear; he said if I do to not hide it from my supportive friends but talk about it. No stoic stuff trying to keep that mindset. Good advice (like usual).

The first week of December I was in the hospital, I didn't have the energy to even think - just breathing and holding my clinging cross and stuffed moose was all the energy I had. Most of that week and the following two weeks was like extended contemplation. It was wonderful and worth the "tuition" of illness to have gone through it.  God was more real to me then I am to myself. It was a wonderful experience. It still lingers at times and I feel very blessed to have not only the joy and peace that I've been given for several years, but now I also sense a growing contentedness - not based on exterior happenings but inner movements.

1 Timothy 6:6 says:

(KJV)  But godliness with contentment is great gain.

(NLT)  Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.

(MSG)  A devout life does bring wealth, but it's the rich simplicity of being yourself before God.

I was often puzzled by these verses because it seems like another thing to add to my check list that God expects me to do. I'm grateful I'm letting go of that mind set but I think of these things now as hope and a "warning" that God is working to achieve these things while I get a front row seat as He works it in me.

Yet, I didn't do anything to achieve this new phenomenon of contentment. It doesn't seem I have any control over it staying or going; nor does that cause me to feel vulnerable.  While I was flat on my back God gave me contentedness - I didn't see God coming but I sure know He was there by the beautiful gift of contentment.

The day before I was released from the hospital, another doctor used sonogram to know where to put the needle in my back to remove the fluid from my lung. He removed 1,500 ml (6.3 cups). When I got home the next day, I discovered I was 28 pounds lighter - that was a lot of fluid. Tests since then have shown all but two tiny cysts have disappeared, other tests are moving towards normal and I'm slowly regaining my energy.

I stand amazed at the way God continues to move in my life. I'm grateful God has me going through life's little inconveniences and annoyances and He rewards that by giving me His wonderful, eternal heavenly antidote. 

I am taking daily diuretics as a preventative of this happening again and that seems to work well. I am also receiving daily heavenly meds of greater joy, peace and contentment. I trust myself to take my daily pill meds. I trust Him to bring me my daily heavenly meds. He's growing me up!I'm so grateful to be His child.