Update on My Path

Today I went to spiritual direction and confession. I talked to my Benedictine rector who was very understanding of my desire to become Franciscan. I have e-mailed for the application. I feel very excited yet a but nervous about this big step.  Yes, I realize excitement and nervousness are very similar in the physical manifestations they create. I will say it is mostly excitement as that sets in a more peaceful place emotionally.

I sense no reason to be nervous about this new journey. Nervousness seems to imply that this journey becomes a goal rather than a path of adventure. I can see various outcomes:  (a) I find I love the blessings of being Franciscan and it becomes a major part of my practice of Christianity.  (b) I find it helpful in spiritual formation but decide it's not for me; in which case I will have the good lessons learned by the exercise and can step away guilt-free. (c) I discover Third Order life is not for me. I am growing to the place where I will not beat myself up no matter what the outcome but will do my best to listen to God and follow Him. Becoming Franciscan is not a goal for me, it is a potential method to help reach my goal of loving God more and because of that love, being able to love people more.

Instead of finishing the Matthew Fox book, I will follow the directions of my spiritual director. These are my two of my three recommended readings that I will probably journal about here:

Conferences of John Cassiun
Sayings of the Desert Fathers

The day it became available online, I signed up to take Richard Rohr's online class "Beyond the Bird Bath:  Richard Rohr Teaches the Courageous Heart of the Franciscan Way."  It starts April 17 and I am looking forward to it. Hopefully I will have moved into the home I am in the process of purchasing about the time the class starts.  New journey into Franciscianism, New home, New freedom in Christ.


Today at spiritual reading group, the leader had us sit quietly while God gazed at us; later she had us sit quietly to gaze at God. It was only a few years ago and I would have felt shame, guilt and dirty/sinful to have participated in God gazing at me.  Yet, today I could feel the sunshine of God's love pouring into me like a sweet and warm honey. I love sitting quietly and letting God gaze at me; and sitting quiet and gazing at God. It was through the inner quiet of contemplation that I came to befriend the God I have studied in the Bible for decades. The God I meet in contemplation much more resembles the God my Saviour Jesus emulated and taught: the God of love and dignity rather then a God of reward and punishment based on rule-keeping.

I am concerned the next will sound vain; however, it is not coming from that egocentric space, but from great humility, reverence and incredible awe.  The more I know God, the more I know me; the more I know me, the more I know God.  That makes Biblical sense as John 14:20 and many other verses explain God in me and me in God. It is a wonderful concept that gives me... the fruit of the spirit... the joy, the happiness, the ability to be kind when part of me wants to be rude. Paul tells us that we are dead and the life we now live is Christ. Knowing this truth is why I can sit and openly let God gaze at me without feeling shame, inadequate or fear.

I am soooo blessed by my loving Father.

Debbie