Sex, Celibacy and Hebrew Words

Ezer Kenegdo.  Interesting Hebrew words that didn't mean anything to my English-as-my-only-language background.  In Genesis 2:18, God says, "I will make him an help meet for him."   Help meet.  Ezer Kenegdo.  Woman was created to be ezer kenegdo. A help meet for her husband. 

My English speaking, western world mindset related ezer kenegdo to being a floor mat to be walked on and used or abused by a man at the worst; or fetch and carrying his beverage or tool belt at the best and picking up his messes without complaining. That did not agree with being "the Beloved" as the Bible calls women in the Song of Songs.

I went to my Bible concordance and at first glance, reading the words didn't change that opinion of being a door mat to a partner.  But when I looked at how the word ezer was used in the Bible it is only used two ways.  A woman is ezer to her husband; and God is ezer to the people of Israel. Whoa!  There are about 20 times ezer is used for God-man relationships; they are used when without getting God's help, the man/men will be in major problems and possibly die - especially in the Psalms.  Times when enemies are on each side, backed into a corner and enemies with swords and spears aimed and ready to kill and the psalmist or man of God screams out in fear and terror for God to "ezer" him. It is a cry of desperation knowing God is the only way to make it through successfully. I am humbled by thinking the Bible would use that same word, ezer, for what God created a wife to be. 

I found 12 other words for "help" in the Hebrew Old Testament. Not one of them are used with God-man relationship or woman-man relationship.

From that I extrapolated in God's economy, woman must be much more important in a marriage then my westernized mind can begin to comprehend. I couldn't grasp how it fit together but it was intriguing and I wanted to figure it out. I wanted to understand the Jewish roots of my Christianity concerning the woman's role.

God, in his infinite wisdom and patience, brought two orthodox Jewish men into my life through the internet who were as comfortable with Torah and speaking Hebrew as they were with English. They started shining more light on ezer kenegdo. I was actually grasping it correctly only very dimly and I still don't fully grasp the magnitude of woman as ezer of man. Both men told me the same thing.  Women were very honored in the Bible and in their Jewish culture.  As Jews, they understood the holiness of marriage and family and the desire for that to be a life-long commitment and knew God had the methods to make his creation of marriage prosper and be fulfilling for both parties.

I found it interesting that both said the wife's home is the house; but the men's home is not the house but the woman. She is the home for him.  They both said that the center of Jewish worship is not the synagogue but the home. Woman is in charge of the house (and is her husband's home); thus, she is primary leader of worship in the home. The woman isn't required to go to synagogue or temple to say the daily prayers because God trusts her to find the time in her busy schedule to pray. Women aren't required to wear a prayer shawl to help them remember to behave in public like a God-honouring person because women more naturally assimilate that relational role with God.

Another surprise was if a Jewish woman marries a non-Jewish man, the children are considered Jewish because of their Jewish mother.  If a Jewish man marries a non-Jewish woman, the children are considered heathen because of their non-Jewish mother. Thus, Jewishness seems to be passed-on through the mother rather than the father.

Women, not men, received the blessing to light the candle that start the Sabbath - the day of rest and worship. In absence of a woman in the home, the man could fulfill that role. Women were chosen as a way God had to honour women for being faithful to God when the men gave their gold and jewels made the golden calf when Moses was receiving the 10 Commandments but the women later gave generously of their gold and jewels to build the tabernacle. I didn't find that in the English Bible, but in Hebrew it is apparently quite understandable or else it's part of Jewish tradition.  The New Moon festival, Rosh Chodash, was to honour women as the shekhinah (glory) of God. During this one or two day monthly festival, women did no sewing and little housework and spent their time in the company of other women; apparently as a bonding experience.

This concept of the high regard of women or women as leaders in the home, was reinforced when I watched the Jewish movie filmed in Hebrew in Jerusalem, "Ushpinzin."   The lead rabbi asked Moshe, the husband and Torah student, "How are things at home?"  Moshe answers, "Fine, thank God. The Lord has been very generous. No complaints. We've seen miracles."  The rabbi says. "Nice. How's your wife?"  Moshe answers, "My wife's fine."  The rabbi, "She happy?"  Moshe, "Sort of happy."  The rabbi stops and looks intently in Moshe's eyes and replies, "You should make her happy. Always remember that. Your wife comes first. She's the most important, it is your way or worshiping....   sit with her.  Talk with her.  Make her happy.  That's what matters. Go pray now."   The full movie is on youtube and I'd recommend it.

There were three Old Testament reasons a woman could divorce her husband: (a) he didn't provide her with food, (b) he didn't provide her with clothing and (c) he didn't supply her with adequate and pleasurable sex. That's in Ex 21.10 concerning female slaves; and if that was minimal for slave wives, then how much greater for a wife who was chosen?  Later abuse and some other reasons were added giving the wife the ability to divorce as found in the books that delineate the laws of the Torah.  In fact, both men I knew said they were taught that the woman was the sexual leader because of the Law of Onah states the husband must make sex pleasurable for his wife. Sex is considered a woman's need and a man's obligation. Whoa! Read that again:  Sex is considered a woman's need and a man's obligation.  From what the men said about Jewish life, sex is a right of a wife; but it is not a right of a husband. Double whoa! My western, Christian mind is still boggled by that!  Part of the reason the Jewish woman is in charge of sex is because of the Law of Niddah - her time of ceremonial uncleanliness (uncleanliness is not sin and the difference of uncleanliness and sin is an interesting Bible study especially when learning how their faith is practiced when unclean and the rules if they are in sin).  Yet, the wife is not required to ask for sex or take the initiative; the husband is suppose to pay attention and recognize when she is receptive and respond to that in a loving, honorable way.  Aaah, that means his religion requires him to pay attention to his wife; close enough attention that by her scent, her touch, her words, her posture that he will know when he is to lovingly approach her to fulfill his sexual obligation to her.

The Hebrew law was adamant on the man learning to be a pleasing husband. Deuteronomy 24:5 says, "A man who has recently been married will be free from military duty or any other public service. For one year he is free to stay at home and make his new wife happy."  And all the women said, "Amen!"  ."  I like it's the husband to make his wife happy and not the wife is to make her husband happy. I think God implemented this in his law because women innately want to please their husbands and God pointed that out in Genesis 3:16. Because of the fall, men have to learn how to please their wife. Women started learning the skill as toddlers who played dolls, had tea parties, toy ovens and wanted to have domestic skills because of their innate desire to be good partners before they could even put that desire into words.

During the approximately 2 weeks of Niddah, a couple was not allowed to sleep together or even touch. If she wanted to hand him a book - she had to place it on a table and him pick it up from there so they did not touch and he become ceremonial unclean and unable to fulfill his daily obligations at temple. During this time, I presume it would be like chaste dating where they got in touch of each others lives without the pressure of sex - and learned to express their desire for each other in words, flirting and other communication, but not by touching.  How hot the sex must have been after two weeks of no contact.  I think they'd have needed smoke alarms and fire extinguishers in the bedroom!

Having sex on Sabbath was considered a double mitzvah (a double blessing) and very sanctioned by God.  Well,  people didn't invent sexual pleasure - God created it as innate need of the human body and psyche.  I believe good sex helps partners bond but also helps us better understand the pleasure of loving God which bonds us to Him.  It's a win win - both a spiritual and physical growth opportunity. For me, a celibate, celibacy works the same way as sex - it brings me closer to God and helps me understand my own, unique sexuality and feminism.  I remember the day at church I couldn't stop singing the Rogers and Hammerstein song, "I enjoy being a girl...."  It was the first time I remember being fascinated, thrilled and acceptance of my feminine gender. It surprised me I didn't get to that place by the validation of a sexual partner; but through paying attention to my body, my sexuality and my Lord during my decade of celibacy.

The Jewish men went on to say that the woman leads in the home and the man leads in spiritual, community and his vocation; thus the husband when he is home is under her leadership.  She respects him and makes his life comfortable -- and what sane woman wouldn't want to honor her husband if he was paying attention to her and treating her as a valuable, unique, loved partner who was capable of autonomy?  If he was being a jerk and jeopardizing the marriage; what woman wouldn't want the comfort of knowing her religious community was backing her leadership and encouraging his following in the home?  In fact, Proverbs 31 is read in the Jewish marriage.

A Biblical example of the woman leading even contrary to the husband's wishes was Sarah in Genesis 21:10-12.  Sarah commands Abraham to kick Hagar and Ishmael out of the camp. Abraham did not laugh at her for making such a demand and say, "What, a wife telling me what to do with my concubine, how dare she, the bossy broad...."  No, Abraham went away by himself to talk to God about it.  God didn't say, "Aaah, poor Abraham, being married to a bossy shrew."  No, God told Abraham to obey his wife.  Shocker. In 1 Peter 3, we are told to act like Sarah. Yes, she showed him respect by calling him "Lord" or as the Message version says, "my dear husband" but she forcefully lead because she knew it was the right thing, the holy thing to do.

Although I haven't yet typed it up, I've also studied the New Testament writings about wives and husbands and after studying the Greek words and historical data - it agrees with the wife as lead - ezer kenegdo. This makes sense to me.  I like the way Gary Smalley said, "I found that women had a built-in marriage manual: They seem able to explain what makes up a good relationship and how to arrive at that kind of relationship."  He says men have a built in repair manual and excel at fixing things.  When the man will honour his wife's inner marriage manual and honour his skill to fix things - they will have a wonderful and fulfilling marriage. Both need to feel free to use those gifts appropriately and lovingly.

I do not believe women are superior to men; nor do I believe men are superior to women. I believe each has been designed as equal, holy, complete and beautiful before God. We just have different skills that are imperative to create a loving, long-term marriage and society.