But I don't wanna' read.....

I felt like writing tonight, so decided to blog.  It's been several months and; I am almost embarrassed to say. I don't want to read. I made myself read a little this morning. I read a few pages of "Spiritual Torrents" by Julian of Norwich. It was interesting. I highlighted a few sentences to review..... some day... maybe.... I'll want to finish it.

Here I set, university educated, blessed because I was taught to read as a child and have hundreds of books that I could plop down and read... or over 200 books on my Kindle (mostly free downloads of Christian literature).

I figure there is one of several things going on:

Idea 1:  I've gotten lazy in my old age.  Living in Western society with drive-in restaurants and drive-through banks and media on demand - I've lost the ability to patiently wade through the typed words to make sense of what I'm reading and to find ways to apply it to my life. If that's the reason, than I'm in sad shape and need to pull myself up by the boot straps and get a life.

Idea 2:  I'm too tired to read with intentionality and comprehension.  I'm still recuperating from moving, tired from the last bit of unpacking, tired from trying to work and get my yard in shape, weary from a half of year of urinary tract infection and a couple rounds of anti-biotics, depleted from this latest round of antibiotics (that are not liver friendly), exhausted from the liver disease.  If that's the reason, then it looks like not reading is good self-care.

Idea 3:  God is pulling me out of books so I will incorporate what I've read during the last few months of compulsive reading and apply what I've learned to my life.  If so, then not reading is a good thing and a growing thing.

I don't know if any of the above are accurate, or partially accurate or just completely wrong. The blessing is that I'm not overly concerned about the why's because I know my life is in God's hand and trust He is directing me this way.  I love the fruit of the spirit "Gentleness" and am so grateful I am learning to apply gentleness to my own self.  I do not intuit I am out of His will; but deep in his heart of love. I feel close to God and sense His indwelling presence. I talk to Him and spend time with Him. I just don't want to read what others say about Him at this time.

The only icky feeling is what if I'd never have the desire to cuddle under a warm blanket and read a good book cover to cover - underlining beautiful sentences that I want to explore later or that make me feel closer to God?  Part of me would miss that.  Part of me would rejoice that I am feeling God in ways other then reading and/or intellectual.

As Ecclesiastes says, there is a time and a season. I am grateful I can accept this is not the season for more head knowledge and am content.

I'm so grateful to be God's beloved daughter.