Humbled by a First Day Fizzle

As I reviewed what I wrote yesterday, I read, "I want to develop a more intimate relationship with my God. I want to learn how to grow in protecting and nurturing my planet as I learn how God protects and nurtures me."

That is partially true. But I also pray God uses me to help others develop a more intimate relationship with Father and with themselves. I want to learn and grow how to better protect and nurture others in an interconnected and inter-dependent (not co-dependent) manner.

As for starting the journey into Franciscan spirituality, it didn't start with a bang, but with a fizzle. For several months I have been starting my day with the morning office from the BAS and have found that helpful. My next step was to add evening prayer and a set time for daily meditation/contemplation. I woke up a half hour before the alarm was due to ring, checked there was no snow to remove and realized I had a full hour instead of my traditional half hour. Instead of starting with the office, I decided to check e-mail... next I realized I had 40 minutes to shower, dress, eat, and drive the 12 minutes to work. Oops, no time for morning prayer.

The blessing for me is that I have learned not to beat myself up when I don't do what is best for me or follow my plan.  God encourages me with a carrot going before me - like the column of smoke by day and fire by night in the Hebrew 40 year wilderness wanderings.  That carrot is His wonderful love that doesn't keep track of my wrongs (if 1 Cor 13 is to be believed).  Since I'm His beloved, He doesn't walk behind me with a stick. The biggest punishment or a better description of "missed blessing" is that I forfeited the wonderful intimacy of starting my day with my Lord and Treasure.

I'm so grateful when I get to heaven that Jesus is not going to ask me if I got my doctrine right or my performance flawless - I fully believe He is thrilled with me and with my progress.  After all, it's the Holy Spirit who transforms me so I'm right on schedule.... His schedule for my life. How many millions of people never even think about Him and I often think about Him, talk to Him, listen to Him, have play-time with Him, dance with Him, and just set lovingly in His presence. I agree with Mike Bickle that God is thrilled with any small movement of my heart towards Him.

Tomorrow I will probably wake up while most of North and South America are still asleep which is one of the advantages of living in the Newfoundland time zone (GMT +3.5).   I will have another chance to rub sleepy dreams from my eyes and spend time with my Treasure.    And if I don't, I won't beat myself up.   It is not by my works that I stand but by his love and grace.   He is the Potter and I am the clay; and sometimes the lump is on the shelf and not being worked on the wheel. 

Richard Rohr's books often mention that he prays that he has at least one opportunity a day to be humbled. Today my humbling came from two things:

(a)   Realizing I can't earn God's favour and realizing how easily I forget that and get back into works.  There is a part of me that is so achievement or win motivated that I want to get into that adrenaline rush of being a human DOing and earning something from God. I'd probably just earn a few giggles from God who knows His beloved daughter has a human DOing streak a mile wide; and then He would gently remind me that I'm a human BEing - in Him I live and move and have my BEing.  Not of works least anyone may boast (as 'postle Paul says).

(b) From allowing my boss to send me home from work early because of snow and she could see how tired and weak I was feeling. It's humbling to recognize I don't have the energy I enjoyed 15 or 50 years ago.  It's humbling to recognize that my best intentions and even self-promises don't always result in corresponding action. That's a good opportunity to remember not to judge myself on my intentions or to judge others on their actions.... it's a good time to not judge - not even judge myself.

I like the World English Dictionary's first definition of humble: "conscious of one's failing."  It is important to me to walk in awareness and not live on autopilot.  I'm humble enough to realize that this is an area where I have lots of room for improvement and I'm trusting that God put that awareness in me because He plans to gently modify that. 

This also points to why I need the discipline and feedback of others to help me stay on track, to encourage me to grow, to care enough to gently remind me when I'm getting out of balance and off track.  Without family nearby, that means I have to discover my own network of safe people to meet that need; and to possibly help them meet their needs. That is one thing I want to discover about becoming Franciscan; if that would broaden that needed support of giving and receiving into each others' spiritual lives.